I've thought of myself of being pretty much together, not super confident or accomplished, but OK with myself. Today my wife and I had a counseling session. I came out to my wife in July, but we just haven't been talking about that. Today I just laid all my cards out. It was weird - once I had a really clear realization, and I tried to say it out loud, but I immediately forgot it. It was like my self-protection was desperately trying to keep me safe. Tied in with all this, I've been making a lot of mistakes at work lately, and feeling pretty lousy about it. Near the end of the counseling session, I said, "I feel like a loser", then I cried and cried. Toward the end of the day, there was a paper I had to sign. I was by myself at the time. I looked at the way my signature came out (it's a little different each time). Out of my mouth came the word, "faggot". It was like someone else said it. It surprised me. This all sounds rather bleak, but it's not. It's more like, I need to see the wounds in order for them to heal. I've been wanting to share this with you, my friends here on EC. Hugs- =Sevn
Sevn I don't think this is uncommon at all for guys like us. I can relate to all that you wrote including making errors at work. In my business, that's not a good thing at all. You are a lot calmer than I was. I, pretty much, had a month long melt down. We are desperate to hide a part of us. It is no surprise that when we let that out that we have issues with it. I've even used the word "faggot" when I looked in the mirror and I have never been homophobic...I thought. You are correct that you will heal. But, there is a lot of pain that comes with this too. Big hug
When I've been confronted by internal stuff I don't like the way it affects me, but then I try thinking of it as a gift... at the very least an indicator and figuring out that something that I hadn't dealt with before is somehow ready now (or I'm ready for it) to come to the surface. Whatever it was that slipped away from you knows how to come to the surface, and can do it again so it isn't really lost. Congrats on going to a joint counseling session with your wife. That's a big change. Thanks for sharing on EC. We're here!
I can relate to this wholeheartedly...everything I thought was set in life becomes a blur and at which point am I lying to myself? Or living a lie?
Sevn, Your encouragement of coming OUT is huge to me. Thank you for being so honest. My heart feels for you right now. Hugs, FooFight54
Thanks FooFight54! If my posts are useful for you, that really helps to make the effort worth while. I'm in an odd situation where I've gotten the process going, and it continues whether or not I want it to. At the same time I have to keep making an effort in order to keep the process going the way I want it to go. I was going to say that the process started when I came out to my wife in July, but then I thought maybe the starting point was in January when I started pouring my heart out on EC. I think I'll just say it started a long, long time ago because it simply has everything to do with who and what I am. But it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that we're on this journey together. Hugs- =Sevn
Sevn, Two questions for you: 1. During your couple's therapy session and you showing vulnerability, did your wife show/express support toward you? 2. Today, do you feel accepted by your wife for who you are (being a bisexual man)? thanks again for your honesty. Hugs, FooFight54
1) Yes. During our session and immediately afterward, my wife was understanding and supportive. We walked to the car holding hands. 2) Not really. Today, it feels like all we accomplished in our counseling session has slipped back into the realm of That Which Shall Not Be Discussed. We're getting along well. I think my wife still feels threatened by my not straight-and-narrow sexuality. I think I'm more in-touch with her need to take care of others. Thanks for asking, and for helping me to stay on the path.
Thanks Sevn for your sharing ! What are some areas of your life do you need to be your true authentic self to achieve happiness? General question, what is your wife's view on LGBT community? I'll share a little: - I can look at other attractive women and men (3 second rule) in the presence of my wife - I can have friends who are either gay, lesbian, or bisexual and be able to spend time with them. - I can participate in 'Coming Out day, 10/11/18" in some fashion - I can lead the Denver LGBTQ chapter at work - To participate at PRIDE next summer as a member thru my work Lastly, my wife was very supportive of the LGBT community prior to me coming out. Now, she feels threaten and I think she feels ashamed of this community and wants no part of it. I don't feel that direct loving acceptance of my sexual identity. FooFight54
I'm glad you got to do the counseling, and I am so sorry you are also experiencing the yo-yo, roller coaster days later. I hope with more time and talking the swings don't dip so low. It sounds nice that you got to the holding hands part!
The area of my life that I need right now is to openly reach out to the LGBT community socially. I'm not looking to hook up, I just want to talk with people in a venue where I can say what I think and feel, without being on guard. My wife is fine with the LGBT community, although I don't think she has much such interaction. I don't ever hear her saying anything derogatory about any groups, LGBT or otherwise. @FooFight54, are all those things you listed, starting with, "I can", things you and your wife have agreed to, or things you want to have? What's in it for your wife? She would likely be more supportive of your needs if she felt her needs were being addressed too. Good on ya, man! Keep moving forward! Hugs- =Sevn
There's that voice again! This time, after looking in the mirror and saying to myself, "You're gay" (I was barely able to do it at first) I heard the words come from my mouth, "... and you're beautiful".
Thanks DecentOne! In counseling, with a counselor we respect and trust, it's like having a safety net. We can venture into risky areas that we don't explore on our own, with our counselor there to guide us back if we get into trouble. My goal is for us to get good enough at talking about everything that we can do it on our own. I think the big reason that we slip back into the realm of Avoiding That Which Shall Not Be Discussed is that we're scared of going over a cliff.
Thanks DecentOne for your support. I think my wife was blindsided with me coming out to her and she put up her defenses. Up to me to show her, tell her that I love her and will not leave her. FooFight54
Thanks Sevn for your support. Yes, my wife is very loving toward me. I feel from her the struggles of being married to a sex addict and a Bisexual man. I try to show my love toward her but I know she needs more love and support from me (daily). I need to be more patient with her, affirm her, and continue to laugh with her. hugs, Foofight54
@FooFight54 , I think you're on the right track. Ideally this is how this should work: as we become more aware of who and what we really are, our lives become more congruous so that the struggle lessens and the joy flows more freely, so that we're better suited to facilitate the vitality of our loved ones. I've tasted that, but I'm not living it ... yet!
