I've made it known I'm non-binary. Not only on here, but in person, too. The thing is, I'm a very female-presenting person, and so I'm misgendered a lot. My school restrooms, and really any public restrooms, always make me really nervous. Do I go into the female bathroom and affirm other people's beliefs about my gender, or do I go into the male bathroom and get possibly bullied? There aren't any gender neutral bathrooms at the school I go to. This is such a tiny thing, but it just makes me so nervous. And I know there are other non-binary people who feel this way, but it's just I don't know what to do. I've been told to swap between male and female restrooms, but then I might be ridiculed for being in the "wrong bathroom". I feel like if I looked more androgynous, this would be easier. But right now, I have such a feminine voice and appearance, and so all anybody ever sees me as is a woman. Even if I don't identify specifically as one. Any advice is appreciated. I know this is such a random question, but I've heard so many stories similar to mine from trans/enby people, and I just want an answer.
In my opinion, you should go to the restroom you feel safest in. I'm a trans guy, pre-t, so it doesn't matter which restroom I go to, I'll always get weird looks. I've boiled it down to a few 'rules': - If the restroom is in a safe space (people are fine and/or I know the staff will take my side if someone is rude) (usually certain cafes), I'll go to the men's - If the entire restroom is for only one person, I'll go to the men's - If the space isn't safe (either too broad (mall), or in a space where I'm not out to everyone (university)), I'll go to the women's. That's because there's a smaller chance I'll get attacked, and I can also very easily talk in a high pitch tone and the women there understand I'm 'a girl'. I can't do that in the men's. It sucks, it really does. I feel a lot of anxiety whenever I need to use the public restroom too. But I think your safety is more important than you being read as your identity (which is horrible, I'm aware). The people who respect you will see you as your gender regardless of which restroom you use, the rude ones will not regardless of it as well. And you'll still be your gender regardless of the restroom you use. You could also just, use the restroom during classes, if that's a possibility. I used to do that a lot, one because I didn't want anyone to see me, and two because it was more convenient anyway - no more wait lines, no more break ruined by having to pee. Good luck
The advice from @redstatic seems very sensible to me. I've never had to make a choice like this, but I can offer some broader thoughts: 1 - Can you vary your decision making, depending on the place and time ? Getting through school is challenging enough even before pressures related to gender and bathrooms. And it's a situation where you have to see the same people every day, which could subject you to frequent bullying. Is school the place where you want to put yourself at risk ? 2 - But affirming your truth as a nonbinary person is also important to your mental health and dignity. It would be good for you to exercise that right at least part of the time. Can you choose to do that in places where you are more anonymous, or at times when you can be more vigilant about your surroundings ? 3 - You said your school has no gender-neutral bathrooms. That may be the case for students, but are you sure there are no single-person toilets in the entire facility ? Are there any separate facilities for wheelchair users? Or a faculty-use toilet, if the school would allow you access? 4 - Have you considered using a "portable" toilet, at least for urinating ? I'm not joking here - middle aged men develop bladder issues and I have to urinate very frequently. For years I've been pissing in a bottle at night rather than trudging downstairs to the toilet of my house, and it saves me a huge amount of trouble. This is also something tourists increasingly do when visiting big cities, because there are often no public restrooms available - and also motorists in 3rd world countries where they can be stuck in their cars for hours due to traffic jams. Obviously this method is easier if you have a penis, but there are simple devices (Amazon, etc) for those who don't.
Thank you for your reply. <3. These are all pretty good advice, but I'm not sure I'll be able to use much of it. Most of the teachers at my school misgender me, so I know they probably wouldn't take my side in that kind of scenario (or, they'd be hesitant). Secondly, there aren't any one-person restrooms at my school that I'm aware of. The only ones I could think of would be the teachers' restrooms, but those are both gendered and for the teachers only. Also as for going during classes, my school is pretty strict about no passes. I live in more of a ghetto-ish area, and there's a lot more skipping and stuff. :/ I do appreciate the advice. I hope you're able to pass as a man and use whatever restroom you're comfortable with, without anxiety. Maybe one day I will, too ;w;
Thank you for your response. For the first two pieces of advice, I don't think I'd be able to do it too often. Usually during classes, nobody is allowed to leave to use the restroom. (unless it's an emergency) You and red's advice make a lot of sense, but it's very possible I might have to stick to only women's restrooms for my own safety. I'm not sure I'd get physically bullied if I used both the men and women's restroom, but I'd likely get verbally bullied. Now as for 3 and 4, I'm pretty sure there are no gender neutral bathrooms in the school. Even the teachers' restrooms have gender labels on them, and that kind of defeats the entire purpose. Even if there was a one-person toilet in the school, I doubt the teachers would let me use it. I've told all of my teachers I'm non-binary, and only a few respect that. I don't think I could use a portable toilet, either. I don't have any money, and that would be a very odd thing to ask my parents (who are already against me being non-binary.) I appreciate both of your responses, and you did bring up some good points. I will keep them in mind when deciding which restroom to use
If it's possible you could always band together with other non-binary students and petition the school for a gender neutral bathroom. Sure, you will experience some pushback, but it might be worth fighting for.
I was thinking about this, too... The problem is, there are very few trans/enby kids at my school. It's definitely worth a shot, but I'm not sure how far we'll get. Thank you for your response though
I haven't had any problems with it. I just use both. Sometimes the one side is cleaner, than other or it's preoccupied and if I'm in a hurry it really don't matter. I've been to mens bathrooms several times, though sometimes I'm female presenting.
