It's been ages since I've been on here but hi, I'm back. Long story short I'm out to part of my family now, I have therapist, I've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I should be on hormones in a few months if all goes well, but I'm having some weirdness with pronouns Right now everyone calls me she pretty much. I don't like it, but I can put up with it. Everyone in my life right now knows me as a female and that's not going to change much anytime soon and I recognize that... But when I'm away and around people who don't know me, I want to pass, desperately. When I'm trying to pass things like my brith name and female pronouns will make me literally cry. I can't tolerate them. I feel like I'm passing and doing good until I hear them and I break down realizing that I appear female. But here's the thing, when strangers call me he I feel euphoric, but on the off chance someone who knows I'm trans calls me he I feel weird??? I feel like they are just humoring me, and all of the sudden I hate it?? It's like I haven't earned the right pronouns cause I'm not passing yet. By no means would I prefer they call me she or they or anything else for that matter. It's like I just don't want to hear any pronouns in reference to myself at all. It makes me wonder if no matter what pronoun I use I'm gonna not gonna be happy with it, this makes me feel like a huge biological fuck up, wondering if I wasn't suppose to exist in the first place because everything makes me feel wrong. Sometimes when people who know me call me he it feels weird, uncomfortable, sometimes I just get this ASMR ish fuzzy head feeling which I'm not sure quiet how to interpret as an emotion. I would like to be called he and seen as male. I feel like I can't go about insisting on pronouns until I'm on hormones. I'll probably much more comfortable when I'm passing but right now it all just feels so strange and awkward. I'm really really desperate to pass and this is steadily leading to some unhealthy habits, like foregoing eating to loose hip fat and all that.
I've had similar feelings. Male pronouns never bothered me with new people or strangers, but it still feels awkward coming from my family (they only just started using male pronouns with me). I think, for me at least, it's because I feel like they're humouring me, and also because I know it's awkward for them to use, so I feel weird about it when they say that. With people that don't know I'm trans, I know they're saying "he" because they see me as male, but with people who know, it's different. I think it's probably just something that will taking adjusting to, probably. It's hard being in that "in between" type stage where you're out but not necessarily passing. Not sure if this helps at all, but I can relate I guess.
It was weird at first hearing it from people I knew. I wasn't used to it and it took a couple weeks of hearing it before it felt natural.
