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Prom - feeling unable and pressured not to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Malikiah, Apr 11, 2018.

  1. Malikiah

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    So today must of been one of the worst days that I have had in a long time, my mother and grandmother forced me to go prom shopping.
    Before I go further let me state that I have not come out yet as trans and that my family is very transphobic (emphasizing the very part).
    the first thing my mother says to me is that "Girls cant wear suits" as "its against the dress code". so there I was trying on dresses and my nan commenting on how it "shows my figure nicely" at this point I'm having a break down inside. but this was not the worst part as I was not cooperating with her fully she asked shop assistants and other shoppers their views on each of the dresses. she has brought one (against my wishes) and sent photos to family and her friends.
    I now feel terrible and violated, anyone got any ideas for me as I just cant handle it anymore.
     
  2. theaymes

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    This is a really tough thing to deal with. If there isn't anyway to convince them to let you wear a suit, would you feel comfortable covering up some with a jacket and would they agree to that, since you aren't in a safe position to come out? Or maybe there is a dress style that wouldn't make you feel as awful? Leggings might help under the dress to make it feel less like you are wearing a dress? If not, maybe you could find an excuse not to go to prom and instead do something fun with some supportive friends? I hope things work out.
     
  3. quebec

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    Malikiah..... Yeah....this is a difficult situation. I'd like to suggest that you repost this on the forum here on empty closets titled "Gender Identity and Expression" There are a lot of people there who will understand and can offer you suggestions! By the way....welcome to empty closets! So glad that you have found us.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. PlantSoul

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    Don't know how to advise you. Trans or tomboy, I struggled with this. I've been completely humiliated before while shopping. It is my number one reason for why I no longer like to go shopping for clothes. Online can be difficult too. Sometimes I don't have the balls to be firm with my department choices. Sometimes I'm a people pleaser. Wish you luck though.
     
  5. Malikiah

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    Lets just say my nan has given me permission to kill myself as she said it would be easier to get me in a dress and take me to prom.
     
  6. Blue Nails

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    This happened to one of my friends as well-
    do you think you would be able to bring some nicer clothes (like a suit or a shirt and pants) in a bag and change right before prom? Or maybe ask your mom to drop you off at a friend's house and change into a suit there? I'm really sorry this happened to you- but I hope that we can figure out a way for you to feel comfy at prom :slight_smile:
     
  7. MaybeBenji

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    ugggghh prom.

    Prom as a transperson SUCKS MAJORLY. I wasn't out to anyone as trans at prom (but everyone thought i was a lesbian) and I wore a suit. I LOVED my suit. Do you think your mom would be open to a women's pant suit? I wore a "ladies" suit jacket and black pants with a waistcoat and mens dress shirt (and crappy binder that I DIY-ed). Like others on this thread said, can you bring clothes to change into? I'm really sorry you're going through this. If you're forced to wear a dress, try to embrace it. Dress or not, you are a man.
    Just try to enjoy yourself but remember that this isn't how it will always be. yeah, family may not accept you right now and dysphoria can be a real burden but one day it'll be okay. I'm sorry I can't be more use. All I can say is wear what you want and face backlash or wear what your mother wants and feel crappy. There really isn't much of a way to make it easy. Just know that it will be okay someday. Hopefully you can look back and laugh one day. I try to do that about my prom (i looked a wreck and had my very first panic-attack). Prom is bad for most people.

    It will be okay. You'll get through it. You'll be happy.

    Good luck!
    ben
     
  8. Malikiah

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    I have decided after much debate that I should try to come out to my mother fully (before I go crazy), I would like to write her a letter, don't know what kind of things to say.Just some insight I still look female and have long hair (due to them not letting me get it cut and my fear of hair dressers). I have decided now I the hopes she will change her mind about prom but also holding it in is affecting my grades at school (which are low anyway because of some problems I have). Does anyone have any ideas to what I should say? and when is the best time to give it to her?
     
  9. Hidden One

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    I don't have advice on when but I do have a bit on what to write. I'm only out to my main friend circle and I'm planning to come out in the same format. So the first thing your mother might think is that you are going through a faze. Make it very clear that this isn't the case. Also say you will love your family no matter what and that you don't want to be a guy and that you are a guy. Sadly when my boyfriend came out it didn't blow over so well. I hope that you get support! Best of luck!
     
  10. WillowVal

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    I think it’s wonderful you’ve found the courage to come out. It’s extremely brave of you. The best time to come out, in maybe opinion, would be when your mother is happy or in a good mood. If she is angry or annoyed, I don’t believe it would go as well. Also, try and pick a non-important day. Something where nothing is really happening. If they are already doing stuff in preparation for holidays or otherwise, she might not be in “the right mindset”, per say. Try getting a time where she can be focused on what you have to say or write to her.
    I’d suggest breaking it to her in a slow, yet informative manner. Don’t lay it all on her at once, but get your point across. However, it depends on the type of person she is. You may have to just give a letter to her that states it plain and simple or some 5 page essay explaining everything. It all depends.
    Important Side Note! You need a backup plan if things go South. If you have a friend or family member that knows you are transgender and is okay with it, ask if you can come over if it doesn’t go well. Maybe even have them with you while they read or talk with you after. If things start getting verbal (she starts yelling at you, etc.), you don’t have to take the nonsense. You can leave and not turn back to that shouting. Of course, come back eventually if she’s cooled off, but don’t stick around if nothing but fighting is being accomplished. If it gets physical, god forbid, then please have 911 (or the emergent contact of your country) on speed dial.
    Stay safe, and I hope everything goes well!