Pretty sure I'm trans, but could use some love and assurances.

Hey, guys. This is my very first post here, so… here goes. Like I said, I’m new here, so apologies if I’ve posted this in the wrong place. This might get a little graphic, so… fair warning. Oh, and sorry for the long post. I’ve got some stuff to get off my chest.

I’m twenty years old, and I feel like something’s dawned on me. Like, things have been pretty rough, but, well let me just start at the beginning. I don’t think I’ve ever been classically “feminine.” But I mean, it’s strange. When I was little, I was kind of excited about getting a chest and waited for my period to come; I’m actually thinking now that I was just excited to be growing up, because as soon as I started getting my period it SUCKED and I wanted Mother Nature to take it the frick back. And you could say, “sure, nobody LIKES getting their period.” And that’s true. Women commiserate about that. But, would any of them go as far as considering a hysterectomy, or trying all these crazy experiments with natural cures/supplements to try to get it to go away forever? And hearing my mom and sister say that I’m getting all upset and emotional is because I’m “hormonal” and on my period just makes me feel like absolute SHIT. I mean, other women just accept it and the jokes about it or whatever, and say it’s just part of “being a woman.” But me? I’ve NEVER been able to accept that.

And that’s just one side of the dice. I’ve honestly had trouble getting to sleep some nights because I feel like I’m missing a body part (I’m sure you can guess which one). And I mean, I feel like I sound crazy, but I’ve literally TOSSED AND TURNED IN BED over it. Even more than this, even thinking about doing things with a man or getting pregnant myself is enough to turn me off completely. On the other hand, even looking at pictures of attractive women is enough to get me going, I’d prefer to be the “man” and I’ve even had the thought of getting a girl pregnant.

Oh, and I’ve been “man”ed, “sir”ed and “he”ed without even trying. People (even kids) have asked if I’m a boy or a girl. I feel like something is vibing from me even at a subconscious level sometimes. All of this is leading me to question (and I’m sure that’s not even all of it). But here comes the brakes.

My family and I? We’re Christians. My relationship with Jesus means a lot to me, and He really probably isn’t judging me as much as I’m judging myself. But my parents (in particular, my mom) really just wouldn’t have this. I’m pretty sure neither of them know I’m trans (or that I'm even considering the possibility), but the being attracted to women thing came out in a terrifying way. My mom basically told me that if that’s the way I want to go (being with women), that I can leave home. That hurt like SHIT, because me and my mom are actually fairly close. I’m still trying to figure out if she didn’t mean it or just said it in the heat of the moment, because the issue hasn’t come up since. But in that one argument, I remember her trying to beat into my head “you are a GIRL, and you like BOYS.” And I mean, like, that doesn’t change what’s going on in my mind. You can’t just tell somebody that they are/aren’t something. But another thing that happened: recently, she forced me to go bra shopping with her (because apparently some of the sports ones I was wearing were too tight). She started to get mad at me while we were in the store. But I mean, she was picking out ones that were too loose or had the padding that made my chest feel even HUGER, and I remember starting to cry in the middle of the dressing room (but quietly, so no one could hear). I tried to resist her, and we went home that day not having bought anything. I also went home with an angry mother who yelled at me the whole ride home. I eventually compromised with her on some looser ones another day (which I wear for sleep so that they weren’t a total waste of money), but I have to wear the sports ones. Otherwise I just don’t feel right, I feel… self-conscious, awkward, on display. I feel like something is there that's just so very wrong.

I’ve even self-harmed over all of this. I’ve self-harmed on lots of different occasions for lots of different reasons, but there were instances where this was the specific thing in my head. Thinking about my male friends that could be themselves and do whatever they wanted and not have a care in the world. Thinking about how effed-up in the head I am. About how I’m overcome with the thought that I have a boy trapped in me somewhere, and he can never get out. I’m stuck this.

Even though I barely managed to get the words out of my mouth at first, I was able to talk about some of this with a good friend the other day. This was a Christian friend who I’ve confided with in the past, and is really understanding. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him, because I don’t even feel like I can talk to my own parents about this shit. But even having to talk about feeling like a boy in the mind with a female body though made me feel, for lack of a better word, emasculated. It was a conversation where I cried and cried. But I don’t know if he’ll ever see me as anything other than a “young lady.” He at least acknowledged that I’m afraid and gave me hugs and stuff. That counts for something in my book.

But I’m just so afraid. I’m TERRIFIED. I can’t transition, I can’t do ANYTHING. Hell, I can barely dress in boyish clothes without catching flack from my mom (not that that stops me from doing it anyway). I’m just so scared because I'm almost certain this is who I am (and any reassurances from you fine people would be great), but I can’t do a damn thing about it. I’ll never be my dad’s son. I can never have a relationship with a girl. I don’t WANT to have to deal with this, it’s painful, uncomfortable… but what can I do? Suicide shouldn’t have to be the way I go (even though I came close this morning). It’s just been so confusing, and I hope you don’t mind I had to get all of that off my chest. I guess I could use some love.

 

Firstly, thank you all for the welcomes, replies and support.

"Do you have the opportunity to move out? Or could you see a gender therapist without letting your parents know? As you are twenty, you don't need your parents consent for that and they don't have any right to stop you from making your own choices. It might also help a lot to talk to someone who is unbiased and understanding. This friend you were talking about could help you. If he is understanding, you could maybe ask him to adress you by a male name / male pronouns when you're alone."

Moving out isn't an option right now for various reasons. A therapist might be a good idea. And I don't even know if I could work up the courage to ask him to do that, since I could barely muster the courage to tell him how I'm feeling. I'm just... I'm so scared of taking the first step.

"What is their objection to it? I know I'm nit religious but I thought god lived everyone"

I do believe that Jesus loves everyone. And whatever happens to me, I know He always will. It's one of the reasons I haven't given up yet. But I guess my parents are a little more traditional. And I sometimes feel like my mom has a complex about me being her little girl...

"If I may ask, what branch of Christianity are we talking about? The United Church of Christ (my church) has very different views on the lgbt community than, say, southern Baptists."

"Yeah, that's actually a really good question. Catholics, I've seen are more strict on their rules, but they've actually been more tolerant and non-abusive. Flawed as I may be, they still love me because they know God still loves me."

I believe my parents were both raised Catholic, and were raised pretty traditionally regardless, so even though they aren't technically Catholics anymore I feel like their rigid upbringings might impact how they view this. We were going to a Baptist church for a while (almost a decade), and my parents seemed to line up with that doctrine and liked the senior pastor (who on rare occasions would give some pretty heated sermons against homosexuality and the like). I'm currently going to a non-denominational church (my friend I mentioned also goes there), which my parents also seemed to think wasn't too bad but I don't know if it's really their speed (it's not a dressed-up, fancy-schmancy church by any means). I'm not too sure if they ever stuck the Baptist label on themselves, but I'm just saying they're more traditional.