Pretty sure im straight but

Sooo I texted my best friend (not the gay friend I might like)
cba posting a screenshot so I just said

Took a while for him to believe me but he's just saying to tell him and that no-one will care.
I said I didn't want to do it and then be wrong and he said better to know than never know.

fuck my life cant I just be a bro who just wants to put his penis in another bro without everyone being like BRO

 

Yeah its not so much being not straight that's the issue, or peoples reactions, I just don't wanna be like oh im this and then be like oh wait im not and people think im something im not. Like it wouldn't bother if people thought I was bi/gay but if they thought I was bi/gay and thought I wasn't being honest about that would bother me.

I know everyone around me will just be like "ok"

 

Fuck it. ima just do it.
Of course if it all goes wrong you'll all be hearing from my lawyer.

 

Okay I've been staring at my phone for half an hour now.

How do I tell him lmfao.
like I thought of being like 'yano when I said sometimes on a morning when we wake up I ge the urge to do something'
and go from there
But then rehearsing that in my head makes me think I wont say it
so then I was gonna just be like hey ya wanna go on a date?
but then I wont be able to preface things like -Michael- said

like I think the date thing would be good
it says enough without saying it and then he can ask questions rather than me ramble
but then I need him to know that like im unsure and shit

what if he says no? like what if he's just flat out like nor sorry I don't wanna take the risk?
oh fuck

 

I'm about to go out so i'll try be quick lol


So I facetimed my best friend and he was like 'I think you're thinking about this way more than anyone else will'
and then I faced time the guy I've been thinking about.

and I just couldn't finish the sentence so he was like ….strangle me? kill me? kick me out? and I was like nooo
and he was like just say it coz I don't have a clue and I just said kiss.

And he laughed and said you rang me at work to ask if you can kiss me?
like it wasn't a big deal. I think he thought I meant like platonic friendly pecks.

So I just said yeah and took me ages again and I kept changing the subject and going back to it and just a brutal awful awkward mess of a conversation and I was trying to explain and I said something like 'hypothetically if I wanted to ask you on a date what would happen?'
and he was like uhhh like mate date? I was said no like an actual date date and he said that'd be fine? like a question.

And then he asked why I was being weird.
And I said coz im nervous and he said he's never seen me nervous.
and he has a point. im not a nervous person.

And just said if you wanna ask me on a date, just do it. I don't get why you're being weird and shy coz he's seen me ask people before outright with no lack of confidence.

so I know he was being purposely ignorant like he knows its a big deal coz im straight and hes a guy but he was trying to make it easier for me I guess. and I thought about it a lil in silence and was like yeah he has a point why am I being this weird nervous guy.

so I just asked if he wanted to go out sometime, just me and him and he said yeah.
and I said okay cool thanks. and he asked when and I said whenever so naturally the fucking psychopath picks tonight.
and then after the facetime he texts me like 'was that you coming out to me?' and I said I don't know what it was I just wanna take him out and see what happens and that I cant guarantee anything will and that I have no idea what I want other than to just take him out and see how I feel and his reply

'Ok, gaybait. See you tonight'

that wasn't quick. soz.

 

It's been a looong week.

Last night (Thursday), he rang me and said rather than go out can we have a date night at his because it'd be easier to talk so I said that's fine.
So I go over and we talk and it was just hours of him asking me so many questions and 99% of them being answered with 'I don't know' and a lot of groans.

He said he was worried he'd get carried away and 'fall' for me really quick and then i'd turn around and be like nor sorry #nohomo.
So he wasn't too fond of the idea of just 'seeing how it goes' coz he'd always have to reserve a bit of himself.

And then I think he tried to like put me off and was going into detail about like 'being gay'.
Like he was asking if I've even thought about sex and how guys don't have a convenient hole built for the purpose and 'shit happens' and about butt holes and hair and stubbly chins and how walking down the street you can't just hold hands and kiss in public.

And he asked if I've thought about guys before and I said I don't know and I went outside for a smoke. And out of nowhere I just started to cry. And I just couldn't stop. And I didn't want to go back in til I stopped but I was out there like 20/30 minutes so he came outside and was like woah wtf.

I'm sure why I cried but he made me go back inside with him and we just hugged and he's tiny and im like 6ft so it probably looked ridiculous coz I want hunched over with my head tucked in his neck and it went from like tears to full on sobs and I don't even know whyyyy. Like I just couldn't stop. I wasn't even thinking about anything other than the fact we were hugging and how much I liked my arms around him. And eventually I stopped and we just stood in the kitchen hugging for the longest time and I gave him a squeeze and said sorry and we went back to the living room and sat down and said something like 'fucked up aren't ya'.

So now we were just mostly quiet and I realise we've had like a role reversal. Like i'm cuddled up to him instead of vice versa and his arm is around me eventually I was resting on his lap with his arm over me and I know it wasn't the first time but it just felt different to like any other time. Any other time I was just lounging with my friend but I genuinely felt like idk like I was SO comfortable like mentally? or emotionally? just like tranquil. like it was right.

(still not done, sorry)
So he asks if im staying over and I said if it's ok and I can stay on the sofa if he wants which thinking of it he asked ME if I want HIM to staty on the sofa like the day before lmao. So he says its fine we can share a bed so we get in and snuggle up and im happy and peaceful and he said 'this is probably a bad idea' like the cuddling and stuff. And I don't know what the fuck happened.
Like honestly those tears were like the pre-warning. That was the water leaking though cracks in the dam. And suddenly the dam exploded and it was like those fucking memes with galaxy brains and I was just like super tranquil and at peace and realised how much I was kidding myself for fuck knows how long.

I've absolutely, no doubt, on numerous occasions, jerked off to guys. I don't even know why I ever thought I hadn't?
Like its like I knew, but I just blocked it out? Or like my consciousness just refused to even recall that? Me and my best mate have jerked off over porn together loads of times, at the time I was like yeah we just did that to porn. He might have. I didn't. I like so clearly see in my head now I was watching him the whole time. Like how, a week ago, would I have passed a lie detector test saying otherwise. I'm so sure I believed i'd never had sexual thoughts about guys before. but like at the moment the bubble popped and my head just like cleared I was like woooahhh tits AND dick....both cool.

So now i'm like high as a kite on dick revelation. And i'm like fully finally picturing or aware that im picturing us together, holding each other, kissing, and...more. And I got this really giddy feeling. And I just start laughing. and he was like fucking hell you've lost it.
And he kept asking me what im laughing at and I was just looking up at the ceiling and laughing and smiling.

It felt so weird like. Like my head was spinning, still is a bit. I didn't know what to say after all that weird laughing. In my heart I was so ready to just be like I LIKE MEN NOW ralph wiggum style but my head was like NO? REALLY? ARE YOU SURE? WHAT IF YOU'RE WRONG? but my heart was like mate i'll suck a dick to shut you up.

So I just said
I think im bi
and he said 'isn't that what we've been talking about all night?'
And I said 'yeah but I think I really am'
And he said what changed between turning off the tv, brushing our teeth and getting into bed
And I just shrugged and smiled and said summit like I can't make any guarantees we'd make a good couple or that we're gonna last ages but I just know right now I wanna try and not try see if I might not be straight I wanna try date ya and see how it goes coz I like you more than a friend and im sure of it.

He tried to pry more but I wasn't gonna share all my revelation before I proper processed it.
So I just turned to him and said I want to go out with you and i'll wait and do whatever I have to until he believes me.
So he asks how am I gonna make him believe me and I asked what would make him believe me
and he said he didn't know he'd have no choice but to take the risk and that that wasn't very fair
and I said I know im sorry and we laid looking at each other a little and thennnnn

he leaned in and kissed me
just like a quick, not peck but not yano kiss kiss.
I just had my first (is it called a gay kiss when you're bi) gay kiss.
And looking back it was just perfect. all that was needed.
at the time my head was screaming DONT STOP and I tried to pull him in closer
but he turned around and we just spooned until we fell asleep.

This morning was a bit weird at first. Like its like we both we were 'should we kiss? can we kiss?' and both aware each other was thinking that but did nothing about it. I started to think about regretting that I said I was definitely bi coz I wasn't really sure and I still think that but its like whenever I have that thought I can FEEL I genuinely FEEL and know that that's not true. I don't regret it. I know I like guys, maybe my brains just really used to stamping those thoughts down for some weird reason.

Anyway we laid in bed for ages, got up, got ready and made breakfast and we were like quiet but not in an awkward tense way just like appreciating each others company way. And when I was about to leave I leaned in for a kiss but he didn't meet me half way and I could've honestly been hit by a meteor and died and i'd welcome it because is there anything more excruciating than not only waiting for a kiss, but a gay one literally 8 hours after you realise you're not straight. but I just leant in further and kissed him, he kissed me back. We've texted all day and im waaay more open than I was yesterday (or Thursday it's ran into Saturday morning now) and h said he didn't lean in for the kiss coz he's scared to assume that's what I wanted and I need to get used to not presuming he'll naturally do things like that coz he's not used to the idea yet.

So I guess that's me proving it to him.
I've also updated my best friend (though not about...yano) and he has questions but I don't think he's bothered enough to bug me with them right now at least.

I have no idea how long I've been typing.
sorry
duno if this'll be my last update. Probably not. My best friend asked who bummed who and I realised like does that need discussing? Like...I just thought id be like the giver? idk what its called. But what if he thinks he is? or knows he is.
Probs save that for another post and after I sleep.

TL;DR
Went on 'date', cried, had brain blown open and suddenly remembered all the guys ive thought about in the past, 99.9% sure im not straight, 60% sure i'll fuck something up.