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Pressure building

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Dec 8, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Hi there friends,

    I've got some feelings kind of building right now and I'm wondering if anyone can relate?


    -Skip the background if you'd like :slight_smile: -
    So for brief background, by the time I started coming out about a year ago, I had all of these needs building, not necessarily each feeling at the same time, but many of them overlapped.

    I felt like I needed to be with a woman, I needed to come out, I needed to talk about being gay, I needed to explore it, I needed to get out of my straight life, I needed to be visible, I needed to end my marriage. Since then I've made a lot of steps, come out to my friends and loved ones, dated a woman for several months, now go to gay bars/venues/events regularly, have made lots of LGBT friends, do regular counselling, and decided finally several months ago, that I had to separate from my husband.

    Well once that decision was made, my feelings took a different turn, and alot of fear, sentiment, worry about how this impacts my daughter and so forth took over. I knew I needed to keep the same front of confidence about my decision up always; I never let my husband see any lack of certainty, because he would take that to mean we are going to work through things and stay together. So we've been slowly moving forward and making plans to move on different paths.
    -background end-

    And so I've forgotten for a while about those pressing needs I felt before we decided to separate, that feeling that I *need* to move forward and live my truth.

    But those feelings are coming back, I'm starting to feel that pressure building inside of me, to live my life, to move on and stop living like I'm straight. I want to live my authentic life and stop feeling trapped in this one.

    We've got 5 months left, we need to take that time to do things the right way for our daughter. I just need to make it through these 5 months.

    The biggest challenge for me is that push and pull of my emotions, that comfort and warmth I have for the little family we have and for my soon to be ex, but also that deep need to be me and to move forward, both sets of emotions tugging my heart in different directions. It's a battle, and depending on where my heart is tugging me on a given day, I need to find the strength to get myself to stay on the right path, to keep moving forward (on the days I feel the sentiment and the fear driving me), and on the days I feel that trapped feeling, I need the patience to see that things are moving forward, and the focus i need to be present as a mom.

    Is this at all familiar to anybody?

    I wish I could just get my head and heart and soul to feel deeply that I'm doing the right thing and feel a consistent drive to keep going. My confidence is growing bit by bit, but my mental progress feels so slow.
     
  2. looking for me

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    I can relate to that pressure, having to wait, needing to get on with it..... what I've found is that I make a plan and then work the plan having goals and even rough timelines is so helpful, to me at least. I make waypoints as well, points in the plan that I want to get to as move towards the goal.

    hope this helps. you're doing Great.(*hug*)
     
  3. baristajedi

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    This is really helpful thanks :slight_smile: that's a great way to keep doing things to move forward while waiting.

    I went to the gender counsellor today and we ended up talking more than anything about the separation. I realised today through verbalising things that I know what I need, I have a lot more certainty than I realise. I just on some very deep level find it so painful to accept moving on. But it's the right decision, there really is no question about it. That really helps me alot.
     
  4. looking for me

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    Verbalizing, actually saying it out loud especially to another person, seems to make it real? not just "in your head?" like years ago, saying I like skirts etc. in my head wasn't as real because it was just in my head. now I can say I love wearing a skirt etc. and it is very real.

    also, change is hard, fundamental change even harder. building a new life? oh bubba, that's a task. but, one that we need to do if the one we have isn't meeting our needs or allowing us to be our authentic selves.

    you're doing fantastic, it's only been what? a year? and look how far you've come.
     
    #4 looking for me, Dec 9, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2016
  5. hexamum

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    I'm right there with you.
    I so, so, so want to wake up every day, with no lies, feeling good about myself.
    Yet I still feel guilt and selfishness about what I absolutely need to do.
    I'm not separated yet, although it has to happen at some point.
    I just keep in mind that while I'm not being authentic....the people around me are not getting the real me......nor are they able to live their lives truthfully either. Very day my husband gets up, and it's not real for him either. ....I guess just keeping that in mind keeps me going.
    Huge hugs
    Stay strong xx
     
  6. baristajedi

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    Thanks lookingforme!

    You've come so far too. you're making so many brave steps. Are you able to present in your gender? It makes such a difference being able to reflect who you are on the inside in what shows on the outside.

    Yes verbalising definitely makes it more real, and then makes it possible to really understand your feelings. In this case verbalising my fears and worries also made me see that there wasn't a lot of confusion, just a lot of pain and sadness at the changes I need to make.

    But in the last couple of weeks I'm also finding my acceptance growing, and realising that I have a future that can be quite full and happy. Not just for my own personal happiness, but also my daughter's. I wrote a bit about that in another post too (heartwarming day).

    ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2016 at 06:44 PM ----------

    Ah the feelings of guilt and selfishness! I know what you're feeling (*hug*)

    You're so right about others not getting the authentic you, the real love they need.i need to remind myself that my (ex) husband and daughter deserve a partner and mom who is real and living truly to herself.

    ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2016 at 06:45 PM ----------

    I meant to say - you stay strong too! One step at a time.
     
  7. looking for me

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    I've only dressed as the feminine me in private but I did my make up for the first time a few weeks ago when I had the whole night to myself, and did a little selfie photo shoot. I have shown them to selected people and got positive results, my therapist even said I had feminine features.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Good for you!!

    How did it feel? Was it exciting, meaningful, a bit scary?
     
  9. looking for me

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    yes, yes and yes.... :lol:

    it was wonderful, I felt....whole. all in all I was dressed (makeup and wig etc.) for about 5 or 6 hours and then I took the makeup off, got ready for bed, slept in a night dress, and got up the next day and put on a different outfit (no makeup this time but my wig) and puttered around the house making breakfast, doing a little cleaning, chatting online. it was fantastic.

    ---------- Post added 12th Dec 2016 at 11:19 AM ----------

    my responses from my friends was very affirming but they probably wont be negative. the feed back and advise from my therapist was both affirming and soo helpful. you know, maybe try this, oh that was very well done, your features really look feminine, especially with the wig, glasses or not, she decided she liked the glasses more. I floated from her office.
     
    #9 looking for me, Dec 12, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2016
  10. baristajedi

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    Wow, what an amazing and important experience! I'm so happy for you that you made that step.

    It helps to get that love from your friends, and so wonderful that they're so supportive. But it's great to get the guidance and advice from someone as well. Do you have a few trans friends as welll? One thing that my LGBT centre offers is a makeup confidence day for trans folks. You could do that kind of get-together with friends, help eachother look your best. It would be quite nice.

    I feel like I need guidance with dressing as well. I'm working on looking and feeling like me, especially in smart business attire or dressy clothes for a night out.

    It sounds like you've got a great counsellor by the way, sounds like such a great session.
     
  11. looking for me

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    she's totally fantastic. if we could put together a make up/girly day it would be fun. something to suggest.