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Preparing to Come out to My Son

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019.

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  1. Dionysios

    Dionysios
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    My son, who is 28 years old, is married and remains completely unaware of the fact that I am gay and that his mother and I will be separating and getting a divorce. It's been nearly two months since I told my wife. I feel that it is time to tell my boy. I would like to do this in a face to face meeting by myself. My wife disagrees, and wants to be present also.

    I worry that all she would do is sob the whole time, making this difficult moment even harder. I will discuss the matter with my counselor. Still I'd be grateful to hear back from parents who came out to their children about your own experience. It could give me a little more insight. Many thanks!
     
    #1 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
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  2. Nickw

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    Dionysios

    I don't have children so I cannot relate directly to this. However, even though I consider my wife when I come out to people (some of our friends I just feel it is a mutual decision), it is still MY decision and it is MY journey.

    I think you need to do what is right for you. It is your story and if you need to tell that to your son without your wife there, I think you should. It would be different if your son was still at home because his day to day life would be affected. But, your relationship with your son, from here on, should be between the two of you and not your wife.

    I think it is fair to let your wife know when you plan on doing this and suggesting to your son that he try and communicate with your wife soon after your independent discussion...that you want the lines of communication to be open...but, it would be awkward with her present.
     
    #2 Nickw, Jan 31, 2019
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  3. Waffless

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    I'm not a parent nor am I old enough to be but if feel like it should definitely be a face to face and I agree that your ex-wife should not be there I feel like she might pull away from you explaining. I'm just being honest, I wish you the best of luck.
     
    #3 Waffless, Jan 31, 2019
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  4. Dionysios

    Dionysios
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    Nickw,

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. The sentiments you expressed were similiar to my own thoughts. This a deeply personal issue for me and as he is not a child, I'd feel more comfortable speaking to him by myself. Of course I would like to let my wife know before hand.
     
    #4 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
  5. Dionysios

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    Waffless,

    Thank you so much. Personally I quite agree. I did not tell my wife that I was gay infront of others. It was a private moment just between her and I. I like to do the same with my son. I don't know why my wife feels the need to be present. I fear it will just cause her more pain. It will also make the conversation more about her and the end of our marriage than coming out to my son.
     
    #5 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
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  6. quebec

    quebec
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    Dionysios.....I did the exact same thing as you are talking about. I came out to my adult son...who also happens to be the pastor of an evangelical, conservative church. I was facing surgery with a high possibility of paralysis or non-survival. I felt that I had to tell him where all of our important papers, etc. were. I also decided that he would hear from me that I am gay rather than his mother having to keep that secret from him...or if she ended up feeling like she had to tell him. He was amazing in completely accepting me. The major factors there were that I had never cheated on his mother, was not going to go looking for any kind of same-sex relationship and she and I were going to stay together. I realize that my situation is probably different in some way from yours, but having to come out to your son is difficult. (understatement!) . We hear so much about teenagers trying to come out to their parents...but not so much about the other way around. There were two major steps that I took while preparing for that conversation. 1) I wrote down everything that I wanted to say...essentially a letter to my son. I went over it a number of times to be sure that I had covered what I needed to say without a lot of unnecessary verbiage. I didn't intend to send him the letter...it was just something to organize my thoughts. 2) I made very sure that my son's wife was also there when I told him. I didn't want to basically put him into a "closet" of keeping that secret from her. She was also very accepting. As for my wife...she was not there when we had the conversation. The story that I had to tell my son was MY story. It really had nothing to do with her other than I had already come out to her and we were not getting divorced... I felt that having her there would only lead to more emotion in an already very emotional meeting. She and I decided that she would talk to our son afterward if he had any questions for her...or if he just wanted to express his support for her. They did talk afterward and it went quite well also. So that's what happened to me. I really do wish you the best...believe me I know how hard it can be to tell a son that his father is not who he always thought he was. Please keep us updated on how this goes. Remember that you are a part of our wonderful LGBTQ Family and we do care.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #6 quebec, Jan 31, 2019
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  7. Sundara

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    Best luck for you!
    DS
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    #7 Sundara, Jan 31, 2019
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  8. Rade

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    Hello my friend...
    It's your business and YOU decide who to tell and when. It's only my opinion but if I were you I wouldn't let your wife be involved at all....your son's reaction could be very different if your wife is there and I don't mean that in a good way.
    I told my mum over the phone....I told my daughter aged 13 face to face after it came out in a argument with her mum and i. My daughter isn't bothered....
    Please do it your way, you own your sexuality my friend not your wife.
    Warm regards
     
    #8 Rade, Jan 31, 2019
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  9. Nickw

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    Dionysios

    I am sensing from this thread and another on your wife not being happy with you joining an LGBQT event that your wife is showing some signs of trying to hold on to your marriage some? Your situation is pretty unique in that you seem to have so much patience in moving forward with the next phase of your life respecting your wife's needs and willing to put aside yours.

    You also continue to mention how supportive she is. This just seems so amazing and amicable to me so much of the time. 32 years together is, really, a lifetime. Do you sometimes wonder if you are making the right decision?

    This is not meant to question your actions. More just how you can be so definite about it? I know that when I came out to my wife I played this scenario in my head....what if my wife freaked and wanted a divorce? At this stage of my life (you and I are close in age) I couldn't see myself starting over with anyone...especially another man. You seem to just have this really wired.
     
    #9 Nickw, Jan 31, 2019
  10. Dionysios

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    David,

    I appreciate sharing your heartfelt story. There are both similar and different aspects in our stories. Like you, I have been faithful to my wife all the years of our marriage. In your case, your son was a pastor of a conservative, evangelical church. In my situation, I am the clergyman. My boy served under me as an altar boy and was very involved in the church when he was young. Although he is very open-minded and not especially religious, hearing that his his father come out as a gay man will be shocking. He will also hear, in addition to the gay announcement, that I am giving up the collar, returning to the status of a lay person and that his mom and I intend to divorce. With so much going on, I really would prefer not to have his mother present.

    I do appreciate your comments about organizing one's thought and including my the daughter-in-law in the discussion. Both are excellent ideas! Since my son and his wife are a married couple, she should be definitely be included.

    I texted my son to see what weekend they are available so I can drive out and them (they live three hours away). Thank you for your kind support. I will post afterwards how the meeting goes. *smile*
     
    #10 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
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  11. Dionysios

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    My friend,
    Thank you for your kind words of support. I agree that my wife's presence when I speak with my son and daughter-in-law would not be benefical. My wife is sweet but very emotional and my announcement would be accompanied by a torrent of tears and sobs.

    As a matter of fact my wife came home just now. We spoke at length about this matter. She has come to understand the personal nature of what I need to do and has agreed to stay home when the time comes for me to drive out to speak with my son and his wife. She will speak with them afterwards

    I feel so relieved!!! I don't want to upset my wife who is still dealing with the end of our relationship. Yet telling my boy that his father is gay would be much more trying if my wife was there.

    I now will try to arrange a day and time to meet my son. Will keep you posted.

    Warm regards,

    Dennis
     
    #11 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
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  12. Dionysios

    Dionysios
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    Nickw,

    I have been fortunate that my wife and I had a very happy marriage. I really tried to make the marriage a success. She knows that. I've always sacrificed for her. Yet I finally got so tired of keeping up this pretense of being a straight man that I finally broke down and came out. For the first two weeks my wife nursed a hope that I was bi and that we could stay together.

    I gently explained to her that I am gay and admitted that I was tired of living a fake life. I've wanted to do this for years, but always worried about how my wife would cope without me. Having a bout of cancer made me realize that life may be short. I didn't wish to end my days huddling in the closet.

    As I told my wife I may never find anyone. I might be alone the rest of my days, but that was okay. I'd rather live a simple life in a one room shack if I am finally able to live as myself and not the fraud everyone thinks I am.

    I plan to live in a town not far away. If my wife needs help, I will be there for her. We do care for each other, but both realize that staying together is not in the cards for. For yourself and other couples that may be an option. I am happy for and your wife. It worked for you. Hope you have many happy and healthy years ahead of you! *smile*
     
    #12 Dionysios, Jan 31, 2019
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  13. Nickw

    Nickw
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    Your clarity is impressive. Having read your other post where you explained you are a clergyman provided some additional insight.

    Ironically, my wife's best friend is an 85 year old minister...I can't remember what brand...who is gay. He was married for 50 some years before becoming widowed and his wife was aware. My wife is the only person he's told I think outside of family. She was friends with him prior to my coming out.

    So, I understand a bit why you are moving so deliberately and why there may be concerns with engaging a gay community prior to separating.

    I do admire your thoughtfulness at this difficult time.

    The impetus for my coming out was also a health scare...an injury. It is interesting how having our mortality stare us in the face causes us to reflect on what the rest of our life means.
     
    #13 Nickw, Jan 31, 2019
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  14. DecentOne

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    Dionysios, my oldest is around the same age as your son. That generation is, in general, much more open to these conversations. My wife was sure that my children would have a hard time, but it was her own discomfort (projection?). In my case I am continuing in my marriage, I’m bisexual, so we did approach our children together, all at once. It was healing for her to see our children’s positive affirmation in that moment, and how they asked how she was doing as part of that moment (she was crying). It was the biggest leap for her, and ended up turning the emotional rollercoaster down a notch since it went so unlike how she feared, and more like the calm moment I’d told her it would be.

    In your case I can see the difference of you going and speaking, with her knowledge, by yourself. That works too, as a step to navigating your own authentic relationship into this next stage. Your son should reach out to her though, you can encourage him to do that by phone, so your wife can feel his fresh reaction, and his love and connection. He may want to talk with her about how long she’s known, how she is doing, and is it true you are being loving and supportive — not because he won’t believe you, but because he cares.

    Telling your son (and daughter in law) how you love your wife, and want to still be supportive will be very important. My children wanted to hear that more than anything else. They wanted to know I had not cheated. They understood how I needed to be authentic and real with them, and that not much time had passed (months... which felt like an eternity to me, but was still explainable to them) between telling their Mom and telling them.

    If I can be of any further help, feel free to write on my wall or ask in this thread.
     
    #14 DecentOne, Feb 1, 2019
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  15. Lgbtqpride

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    If your son love you, he will support you.
     
    #15 Lgbtqpride, Feb 4, 2019
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  16. Brandy Bee

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    Frankly, if you're getting a divorce, then why would she be part of this conversation?
    It's your life, your sexual orientation, your call... completely.
    Just my $0.02
     
    #16 Brandy Bee, Feb 5, 2019
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  17. MOGUY

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    Dionysios,
    I will pray for peace for you and your family. My wife and I have a son. I came out to my wife several years ago but have not told our son. I’ve thought about it but can’t find justification for it since his mother and I are staying together. Let us know as you proceed how you are doing.
     
    #17 MOGUY, Feb 7, 2019
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  18. Dionysios

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    Thanks so much! Will do!
     
    #18 Dionysios, Feb 7, 2019
  19. nerdbrain

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    Hey, did this ever happen?
     
    #19 nerdbrain, Feb 13, 2019
  20. Gutterpunk

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    my mom came out to me as bi a short while before i came out to her, and she did it in the car, with my step-dad, on the way home from my golf camp
     
    #20 Gutterpunk, Feb 13, 2019
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