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Possibly trans...definitely confused :)

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by Hanyauku, Dec 5, 2017.

  1. Hanyauku

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    Hi, everyone!

    Like a lot of new people here, I'm confused, and I'm hoping EC can help. To practically everyone who knows me, I am a gay man. I've always been attracted to men, so I came out as gay to family and friends a while ago, and pretty much everyone has been okay with it, which is awesome, especially since I live in a conservative area of the Midwest. But I've been questioning my gender for a long time. Most of the time, I wish I wasn't born male, but sometimes I'm okay with it. My gender dysphoria comes and goes, and it's rarely unbearable like a lot of people's. But I've also spent time crying, wishing I had been born a girl. I've always wanted to be a girl, and would always choose to be a girl, even when not experiencing gender dysphoria. Growing up in a small Midwestern town, I didn't even know what it meant to be transgender until I was in high school. Sometimes I think If I grew up in a larger place, or was born just a little later (I'm 23), I would have told others how I've felt, and maybe even tried to transition. I know sometimes people talk about the magic pill question, and If I could take a pill and wake up a woman, I absolutely would. I dream about being a woman, and have even picked out a girl's name, Emily. In my head, I love the idea of being a girl, but actually transitioning seems impossibly out of reach, and honestly I don't know if I'm convinced enough that I'm trans to even consider it. So, If anyone has a similar story, I'd love to hear it. This place, and the people in it, seem pretty great! Anywho, I hope that wasn't too long and rambling. I'm looking forward to talking with everyone! :slight_smile:

    Peace and Blessings,

    -Emily (Maybe?)
     
  2. BiDragon

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    Hey Maybe-Emily!

    Welcome to EC! From what it sounds like, you’re probably a transwoman. If you want more people to help you, I’d consider posting on the Gender part of the website, since more people will be looking to help you there.

    Good Luck!
     
  3. Hanyauku

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    Thanks Bidragon! I'll check out that part of the site for advice.

    On an unrelated note, since I forgot to put non stressful things in my intro, like hobbies and interests, here are some hobbies and interests:
    -cooking, running, theatre, listening to podcasts, reading and writing, movies, traveling, and studying different languages and cultures. And I love talking about all of them, so let me know if you ever want to be nerdy with me!
     
  4. quebec

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    Hey Emily.... Try putting your post on the Gender and Identity Expression forum here on empty closets. There are a lot of folk there who have and are dealing with the same kind of things that you are. They will likely have some ideas and help/encouragement for you! ....David
     
  5. MiKyle

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    Hey Emily!

    I'm new to the site too and gosh do you sound just like me a little while ago!

    I am very lucky to have a supportive family/enough privacy to do this, but I took my steps to kind of test the waters of being trans and bought a binder and the feeling of rightness it gave me was quite a moment - fairly convincing to me that I was at least experiencing dysphoria and probably was trans.

    For me, it was a great first step - it didn't involve coming out to anyone (thank you amazon prime) or medical intervention. Have you considered experimenting with bras/make-up/women's clothing if you haven't already and seeing how that makes you feel? I'm taking things a step at a time - starting with binding (I already wore masculine clothes, out here rocking that lesbian look), and I've been testing the waters with pronouns and name changes to see how it feels - every time it makes me happy to have male pronouns used I feel a little more sure of myself that maybe I am really trans. I don't know if this approach could work for you but let me know!

    My next step is going to be a haircut. I've had to long forever so I'm putting it off and super nervous because I like having long hair.... but also.... don't? Complex feelings are complex.
     
  6. AbsoluteNerd

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    Ohmygod, you're practically my twin! You said you like to study languages, have you ever thought about trying your hand at conlanging? Also, what's the most obsucre and/or interesting language you've ever studied? Also also, what do you like to write? You seem like a really cool person, btw. I am very much a nerd. (As my response and username imply)
     
    #6 AbsoluteNerd, Dec 11, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2017
  7. DarkWhite

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    Hey Emily! To me it sounds like you are trans however nobody can determine that better than you. Luckily you've stumbled into good place. So take your time, ask your questions and welcome to EC!
     
  8. Hanyauku

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    Hi Mikyle! Thanks for the advice! In response to your questions, yes I have experimented a lot with women's clothing and makeup. One of the advantages of being out as gay is that I don't get that many looks of surprise, at least from people who know me, if I wear a little makeup. Just because the people around me are pretty used to me being feminine. I've worn little amounts of makeup, like eye shadow or mascara, in public, and it felt very comfortable. I also wear nail polish out sometimes.

    I actually have some women's clothing, but I don't wear it in public, and no one knows about it (Amazon prime is great lol!). Just little things like some cute pajamas (which I usually sleep in), shorts, leggings, and a couple of bras. I love when I get to wear these around the house. It feels very comfortable. Even though I don't wear girl's clothes in public, my day to day style is pretty feminine for someone presenting as male. I wear cute socks, long cardigans, skinny jeans, etc. And sometimes I accessorize with earrings, necklaces, and women's bracelets. I guess the whole point of explaining all this is to say that I already present somewhat androgynous, and it doesn't just feel good, I want to take it further.

    With regards to pronouns, I've never asked anyone to use anything other than he/him, at least outside of the internet. I came pretty close at one of my university's LGBT meet ups, but decided not to :frowning2: However, on the internet, meaning on EC, I have used female pronouns, and given a female name (Olivia! I had been using Emily, but it doesn't quite feel right when people have called me that. But I love being called Olivia!). Being referred to with female pronouns feels so so good, and like you said, it makes me feel more and more sure about being trans.

    I'm about to graduate from college, and there is a good chance I am going to move away and share an apartment with my sister in a decent sized city. I'm really considering presenting as much more feminine, and kind of like easing her into the idea of me being trans. I've only been on EC for a week, but I already feel much more comfortable with identifying as trans. I think coming here, reading other's stories, and getting to share my own has helped me come to terms with something I've always kind of known, that I'm a girl, not a boy. Sooo, thanks again for the advice! And good luck with your hair cut! :slight_smile:
     
  9. Hanyauku

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    Hi, Darkwhite! Your'e right, EC is definitely a good place. Thanks for the warm welcome!
     
  10. Hanyauku

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    Hi, Christine! I think we are probably nerdy twins! I've tried conlanging a little, but nothing too in depth. I'm really interested in orthography and phonology, so most of it has involved trying to come up with different writing systems. Ultimately, I would like to include a conlang as part of a book I write, if I ever get around to writing one.

    I wouldn't call any of the languages I've studied obscure, but Mandarin is definitely the most interesting one I've tried. I studied Spanish in high school, and I've studied Mandarin, French, and Spanish in college. Chinese is both painfully frustrating and delightfully intriguing. I've spent 3 years studying it, including 8 months in Asia, and I'm still barely above beginning level.

    Since I'm in my last semester of college, all the writing I've had time to do is for school. But I have a very, very long term project I've been slowly conceiving over the past few years. I really want to write dense, sprawling novels that give me a lot of room to experiment with form and prose. Stuff that critics love but in reality isn't that fun to read!

    And what about you? You seem really fun too! what's your experience with languages and writing? Thanks for the awesome welcome! I hope it's not too cold in chicago :slight_smile:
     
  11. AbsoluteNerd

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    My favorite thing about languages is looking at things other languages can express that english can only do in a comparatively roundabout fashion. For example, some languages have the concept of mu, a third response to yes or no questions that roughly means, "that question doesn't apply." A friend and I are working on multiple conlangs to use in a fantasy game that we may or may not try to actually make outside of our own minds. It's really fun, looking at what linguistic concepts we can borrow from other languages to give each its own unique flavor, and the friend I mentioned has come up with some interesting ideas that, as far as I am aware, don't really exist in any natural language.

    As for orthography, I've never really thought too much about it; I'm mostly trying to work out a sensible romanization for my conlang, which is difficult since it uses θ and ð as different phonemes, unlike pretty much all western languages. I'm open to suggestions.

    I used to write all the time, but recently I've been mega involved in music and theatre at school, so I haven't really had time to write outside of english class. When I do write, it's been short stories on reddit in response to writing prompts, but I'm planning on starting a bigger project over the summer. Good luck with your project!