Possibly Gay but difficulty wrapping head around it (28)

Welcome to EC.

The porn that a person watches is a very poor indicator of that persons orientation. Plenty of lesbians watch gay porn despite not being men nor having any interest in men. I think that the underlined portion is much more indicative of your orientation. (especially if you really meant attraction rather than action)

This could be physiological. If you are continuing to have issues like this it would be a good idea to consult a doctor, it certainly won't hurt.

A couple of issues here.

• A person who is that toxic to you is not really a friend. Maybe just disconnect yourself from him.
• The whole being hurt by ridicule points to bad friends, compulsory heterosexuality and toxic masculinity in society. Even if you are not consciously homophobic we all live in societies that expect and pressure everyone to be "normal" (heterosexual) and we absorb that.

This sounds like you could definitely benefit from therapy. If you know that you have anxiety and depression you might even benefit from medication. Also "Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" is not a thing any more than "Handwashing Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" or "Checking if the Stove is on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder" are things. There is just OCD and if you have it then all of these thoughts and problems can be addressed by working on the OCD. There are therapies and medications that specifically help for OCD so seeing a professional for this issue is a good idea.

 

What what you’ve said it seems unlikely you are gay. My question is, can you see yourself intimate with a man, kissing him or dating etc?

 

It sounds like your concerns about your sexuality are part of a bigger picture that probably includes other significant stressors, such as what happened with your ex and what happened with your child (you don't say if your in the child's life). Also you may have generalized anxiety or depression because of other traumas. I would suggest you see a therapist or psychiatrist about all of your symptoms and not focus just on your sexuality at this point.

 

The question of your sexuality has not been raised at all since that night when everyone was intoxicated, so it's highly likely your friend has no memories of it. Even if he does, he probably considers it none of his business and largely irrelevant and he's certainly been very discreet about it, if he remembers.

Fact: straight people do watch gay porn and gay people do watch straight porn. It happens and we should be honest in saying it happens. It really proves very little about our sexuality. I only think it demonstrates that humans are a curious species who like to know what other people are getting up to and how they are getting up to it. We may find it a little bit arousing when we watch it (because sex is arousing and porn is designed to get us aroused), but the mere fact of watching it doesn't undermine our whole sexual identity. So, you are curious and might not be 1000% straight, but that's totally okay and really quite normal.

I think your concerns are largely based around a fear of indiscretion on the part of your friend and how it could be challenging to face lots of questions that you are ill prepared to answer. Essentially you are worried about being exposed as something you are not and it's weighing heavily on your mind. I actually don't regard all of this as internalized homophobia. I imagine a gay man who had been caught watching straight porn would experience many of the same dilemma's. The difficulties you are now facing in maintaining an erection could be connected to the emotional disturbance all of this has caused.

Honestly, I don't think anything has been said or will be said about what was on your phone. I'd be fairly confident that your friend has no recollection of it.

As to whether therapy is a good idea, I would simply say that therapy is always a good idea. I think 90% of the human race would benefit from a little bit of time in therapy. I've done it and I'm so pleased I did. Learned so much about myself and the things that provoke and trigger me. That's a good thing!

 

I would agree that therapy helps. Sexuality really is a spectrum, you can go from straight, bi, gay, or anywhere. Do you have any fantasies that you have in your head? The big question is can you see your self being sexually satisfied woth a guy and romantically satisfied with a guy. There should be no shame in it. Society should be more accepting.