And I'm really nervous. I'm visiting family for a week and heading back up north in a couple days, so it just seemed like a good time, I guess. My family was raised Christian, and I don't know how far any of them may have drifted from that mindset by now. I would just say "bad impulsive brain" but, to be honest, that's just how my life works, I guess. I just do stuff and then find out what happens, and make what I can of life from there. Much as I would like to, I can't predict the future by thinking hard enough. But that's not really a reason to just stay stuck in life. Being back with family has been an experience. I love (most of) them, and I know they love me. It breaks my heart to think of how their perception of me will change when they find out the truth. I'm young, and while I desperately want to transition, I'm not ready to push them away for what could be forever. I don't want to lose them. I don't want them to grieve for the sister/daughter/granddaughter they had, and stop seeing me as me. I wish I had never been cursed with this fate, this choice. Thinking about actually saying it makes me wonder why I want to, other than that eventually they're going to find out (assuming I transition). But they ask me how I'm doing, and I feel this gulf between us. I want to connect. I want to heal our broken past by being honest and authentic and letting them be part of my life. I want to give them a chance. There's already a physical distance between us, and that makes it hard enough without feeling like I'm hiding half of myself from them. Sort of unrelated, but yesterday I saw my brother get married. (I like his wife. ) I don't currently have plans to ever marry, but it made me wonder how much of my family would show up to my wedding if I chose a female/femme partner. Oof. Lots of emotion. Mostly just sad, I guess. And scared. I don't really know how to end this. If you pray, I could use some prayers.