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Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by LailaForbidden, Mar 29, 2017.

  1. LailaForbidden

    Full Member

    Nov 19, 2011
    Likes Received:
    Hi guys,
    So i've been out as queer (love women, still not 100% sure about men, but I'm not ruling it out by any means) for about 5 years. I have a girlfriend, who I've been dating for almost four years.

    Now here's the weird part. After 4 years my relationship is obviously in the long term confortable stage...but i crave infatuation. I crave the electricity, the fall, the flirting and sexy eye contact and butterflies. Part of me really wants passionate love, despite loving my gf. This has been happening for a year at least. I pushed it away at first and told myself i was being ungrateful for what I had, but its not going away. I have fantasies about falling in love with women a lot..

    So, i guess im not sure what it means. Am I polyamorous? Or is my currently relationship just getting kinda boring emotionally? Am i just thinking the grass is always greener on the other side? Any advice?
  2. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Nov 20, 2011
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    Northeastern US
    Gender Pronoun:
    Sexual Orientation:
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Really interesting question, and I'm not sure I have a clear-cut answer for you.

    Since I've been kinda distant/silent here for a while, maybe I should start by saying that I've been with my (female) partner for the past 30 (nearly 31 now) years. I grew up with all the values of monogamy that our culture tends to teach. But after years and years of soul-searching, I've come to realize that I am polyamorous by nature.

    But for me, this means much less that I "crave infatuation or romantic love", and much more (to me) that I rather naturally *do* simply fall in love with (certain) people. I don't look for love with anyone other than my partner...it just happens occasionally.

    For years when this would happen, I would feel terrible guilt, and remain largely in denial about my feelings. Often, the other person would eventually tell me that they were falling in love with me. This put me in the position of either (a) denying my feelings for them or (b) confirming my feelings both to myself and to them, and then struggling even more directly with the guilt, now including the guilt that my love for this other person impacted both my relationship with them and my relationship with my partner. Generally, the other friendship evaporated (either within weeks, within months, or within years), because I wasn't in a position to give them anything like what they wanted, since I was monogamous with my partner, whom I loved and had no intention of leaving. This became an intolerable existence, really.

    So after many years of soul-searching, I finally started to understand myself and this dynamic better, and about 2 years ago or so started to accept that I am polyamorous in nature...there's something about me that makes it possible/inevitable for me to fall in love with more than one person...and to accept that (just like with sexuality) despite what our society insists on, there is nothing wrong with this.

    I've spoken with my partner throughout this journey, and kept her up to date on where my thoughts and feelings are, both in general and with relevant individuals. I am lucky that she does not mind me *loving* others. But as you can imagine, a deep love for another person does eventually lead to desires for...some physical expression of that love. And we have yet to *completely* work out how that might work for our relationship that has for over 30 years remained sexually monogamous.

    I currently have a "boyfriend" and a "girlfriend" (don't love those names for it...I prefer to think about them as additional partners) in addition to my partner, both of whom I love (as deeply as I love my partner, though admittedly with less history). Both, for better or for worse, live over 2000 miles away from me...so the question of working out rules for sexual expression are less urgent than they would be if these people lived across town. But if we would ever meet up in real life (which I'm hoping will happen sooner rather than later, frankly), there questions would come to the forefront and have to be dealt with.

    Ok...enough about me. So Laila, it *sounds* to me like your situation may be a *bit* different from mine...and yet not terribly different. We may just process our feelings a bit differently.

    I can see both possibilities: you may have a polyamorous nature, in which case you're not going to be able to escape this dynamic; or as you point out, you could just be a bit bored/comfortable in your relationship, and the injection of some excitement could be enough for you to comfortably maintain monogamy.

    I think your best bet is to talk with your partner about all of this, and see where she is with the whole polyamory notion, just to get a baseline. Then consider talking to a relationship counselor, and explaining the situation. Be aware that many counselors will have the same bias toward monogamy that the rest of our society has, and so may present things to you as absolutes (e.g., "your choice is to find a way to spice up your relationship so these needs go away, or end your relationship and find someone else"...an entirely false dichotomy). But if you go into it with both you and your partner taking such statements with a grain of salt, you may be able to at least *try* to remain monogamous if you both are inclined to do that. That would tell you whether the issue will just go away or is more systemic than that.

    But I do have one really concrete piece of advice: if you ever find yourself tempted to cheat on your partner, then either force yourself not to, or end your relationship. Don't put your partner through that pain. I've seen many couples disintegrate, because one thought cheating would be kinder than putting them through conversation and processing...but it never is. Your partner will eventually find out, and all trust between you will be destroyed. You may recover as a couple...but generally not. So rather than go there, be up front with them, and end the relationship if you must.

    I hope all of this helps. *hugs*