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Poetry I wrote to describe how I'm feeling

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Hunter8, May 18, 2017.

  1. Hunter8

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    First off, let me just say that I am no great writer. So none of the poems I put here are what I would consider to be epic. They do, however, encapsulate how I feel at times as I face what I'm going through in life. I haven't ever shared them with anyone before, so I thought I'd take a step out of my comfort zone and share them on here. I won't post them all at once. I'll just start with one and see what follows. Anyway, here goes!

    "SMILING

    When agony assails from all sides
    My first instinct is run and hide
    Hide away from this insane world
    Cry in a corner like a scared little girl
    But I only cry tears that never stream
    From my eyes or down my cheek
    The pain stays locked away within
    As I relive guilt and bitterness again
    On a daily basis I face my giants
    Set my face in a mask of grim defiance
    I tell myself the giant is overcome
    That the junk of my past is over and done
    All David needed was a stone to slay
    So I bow my head and begin to pray
    I say the words and read the truth
    But why do I end up feeling so aloof?
    The pain is just beneath my skin
    As I try to tame the shame within
    I try to smile in spite of the pain
    Believing that in time things will change
    But some wounds go too deep
    And even haunt us in our sleep
    Some wounds open up again and again
    A perpetual tribute to our sins
    Chipping slowly away at my resolve
    Making me doubt my sins can be absolved
    Did I do something to deserve the ache?
    Why am I being given more than I can take
    Where was my sin that was so egregious
    In my youth, please tell me, Jesus
    Why do I feel like I'm in hostile territory
    Never getting to write my story
    Standing still while life moves ahead
    So many words that go unsaid
    So many battles in my head
    So many times I give in to sin
    So many times I cry out for healing
    Do those prayers ever go past the ceiling?
    Is there a divine method to the madness
    A reason for all this vexing sadness
    A purpose in the cuts and bruises
    A lesson in the blood that oozes
    Is it punishment or mercy in disguise
    As every day I opt to live a lie
    To play a role in a cruel game called life
    Not trying to live but only to survive
    Loving God but hating what I am
    Inside my light flickers and goes dim
    How to change something so ingrained
    Until only grace and joy remains
    That mystery is one I have never unraveled
    As I take the lonely road less traveled
    I look forward to hobbies and petty things
    Instead of babies born or wedding rings
    I'm an actor of the highest degree
    As I own my masquerade exceptionally
    The world is my audience that I always fool
    Holding it all together and keeping my cool
    Portraying the character they came to see
    As I lose more and more of my identity
    So devoted to my weary craft am I
    It comes so naturally; no need to try
    But where is the truth amidst the lies?
    I'll never know for sure I realize
    Each day is a chance to start anew
    So why am I still feeling blue?
    What am I doing so very wrong
    When all I want is to sing a new song
    To leave the past in the hazy fog
    To somehow get beyond its dreary smog
    To see the Son rise in the sun rise
    As the bitterness inside me finally dies
    To get to a place I've never been before
    Where I can be so much more
    But still I linger on my tortuous way
    Not even knowing sometimes what to pray
    Or what to say to make things clear
    To break the chains of shame and fear
    I'm still somehow breathing
    My eyes have not stopped seeing
    God's mercy around me in little ways
    And the hope of future better days
    But I need help, Oh Lord, it's a fact
    Perhaps this mystery can still be cracked
    Because the time has come to let it go
    But what "it" exactly is, I still don't know
    Help me see the painful reality of my life
    Rescue me from this pattern of strife
    Show me how to make my leap
    Into the unknowns of the deep
    Amen, I say these words to thee
    As I lay me down to go to sleep"
     
  2. Secrets5

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    The last line was a bit hard to say, I had to read it as "As I lay me down and go to sleep".

    You've got some really nice imagery in there:

    "I only cry tears that never stream"
    "All David needed was a stone to slay"
    "A perpetual tribute"
     
  3. Hunter8

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    Thank you for your kind words, Secrets5. That last line was perhaps a bit clunky. :wink:
     
  4. Argentwing

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    "As I lay me down to sleep" sounds better. It has the pattern of stressed-unstressed syllables that Shakespeare so often relied on, and has fewer unnecessary words.

    Technical bits aside, it is quite good in terms of expressing your feelings. I think your poem might resonate with a lot of people with all sorts of problems. <3
     
  5. musicboy123

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    You have some serious talent! :slight_smile: There is some great imagery in there with very raw and honest expressions.

    I write poetry, too, but I am yet to reach the point of confidence where I can publicise it and leave myself hanging there as naked and vulnerable I can be lol. I would love to read more of your work. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 musicboy123, May 18, 2017
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
  6. Hunter8

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    Argentwing, excellent suggestion for how to fix that last line. Your rendering of that phrase sounds infinitely better!

    Musicboy123, I cannot thank you enough for your gracious words. It is indeed very hard putting any of these poems out there for people to critique. It requires a vulnerability that doesn't come natural to me. That's why the extraordinarily kind feedback I've experienced on here means so much.

    Anyway, here's another one of my poems if anyone is interested:

    "KNOCK DOWN MY WALLS

    I'm an architect of the highest degree
    Building sturdy walls for all to see
    Walls that come in every size and shape
    They're a fortress to where I can escape
    My walls are impregnable on the outside
    Within it's very dark, an ideal place to hide
    The walls are erected around my soul
    As the threats around me are rendered null
    If you try to slip past my defenses
    You'll quickly see how futile this is
    There are many traps along my wall
    Good luck trying to spot them all
    There are barriers both seen and unseen
    That repel you from the darkest part of me
    I'm a master at maintaining arms' length
    I'll push you away faster than you think
    You're like all the others, I must say
    Eventually they all give up and go away
    It's not worth the effort to tear and strain
    To find out what goes on inside my brain
    There is no great prize inside to plunder
    So trying to get in would be a blunder
    It's best you enjoy the outer courtyard
    I made it pretty there, it wasn't hard
    I know what people like to see
    I understand the man they want me to be
    The filth and mire is safely tucked away
    Safely guarded from the light of day
    Knock on my door if you are feeling bold
    But prepare to wait out in the cold
    Eventually you'll give up and depart
    So consider that before you even start
    Start to try and sneak inside
    To attempt to glimpse beyond my disguise
    It's not an effort worth your energy or time
    If I'm at number 10, you'll never get past 9
    You may get close if you are really smart
    But you'll never see my battered heart
    It's locked in the deepest, safest chamber
    Away from all risks and every danger
    It's lonely at times in a population of one
    But I will always do what must be done
    To keep the beast inside from getting out
    From hurting those I care about
    My fortress is simultaneously a prison
    A temple devoted to ancient self-derision
    Think you can rescue me from my cell?
    Well, go ahead, I dare you, ring the bell
    You'll be amazed at how you'll be rebuffed
    At how very good I am at being tough
    You'll say at first that you're unique
    It's the same word all newcomers speak
    But you have no idea my walls are so thick
    They never fail to do the trick
    I wish some hero would come along
    To crush my wall and prove me wrong
    To somehow baffle all my means of control
    And penetrate to my very heart and soul
    And then stay and love me anyway
    No matter what I am, straight or gay
    But I've never met such a friend
    I don't think I will through to the very end
    They all give up and go away
    Why would they even want to stay?
    I play hard to get because it's all I know
    When I want you to stay, I'll tell you to go
    And so far everyone has always obliged
    They never return after saying goodbye
    My walls were more than a match indeed
    Only on the interior do my rooms bleed
    If in a moment of weakness I cry out
    My soundproof walls absorb the shout
    It's a prison for sure, but it's familiar too
    I think I'm more afraid of something new
    I'm terrified of being naked and revealed
    Why must I be transparent to be healed?
    Why do my walls have to quake
    I feel like it's more than I can take
    Knock knock, who's there? Now go away
    Don't come back another day
    Don't keep trying to befriend
    My will is strong; it will not bend
    Maybe you will keep on trying
    As you make it closer to where I'm hiding
    I'll give you a treat if you come close
    While remaining as elusive as a ghost
    So play my game, step up to the plate
    To put a dent in my wall, it's too late
    Have fun trying but know it's all in vain
    I'm a damn good builder and am to blame
    I want you to know it's no hard feelings
    If my defenses leave you reeling
    It's all a part of how my plan unfolds
    I gave you a fair warning; you've been told
    So bang your head up against my wall
    Do your futile posturing and stand so tall
    When the results are in, I'll win the game
    You're no exception; it's always the same"
     
  7. musicboy123

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    Wow!! I literally relate to this on a spiritual level. My favourite couplet is this one:

    "I'm terrified of being naked and revealed
    Why must I be transparent to be healed?"

    Best of luck! :slight_smile:
     
  8. tranonymous

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    These are awesome! I particularly liked "SMILING".
     
  9. Hunter8

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    Musicboy123, once again I am truly humbled by your very gracious words. The fact that other people are able to on some level connect with how I feel makes me feel slightly less alone. It's good, and I believe it's healing too.

    Tranonymous, thank you so much as well! SMILING is deeply personal for me, and sharing it was not easy to do. But I'm glad I did, as it allowed me to feel encouragement and warmth in your kind words.

    I might as well post another one. The last two poems have been tinged with a lot of darkness. However, there is some tangible Light that shines through the cracks when I need it most. This next poem is one of gratitude to God for all of the times He doesn't do what I want Him to do. It's about thanking Him that life is hard, yes, but there is a purpose to pain and a reason for every tear that falls. Anyway, here goes:

    "THANK YOU

    I sit here in the dark alone
    Wrapped in your arms; it feels like home
    I just want to say what I don't say enough
    Thank you for all the ways you love
    Thank you for all the pain I'm in
    Thank you for covering my greatest sin
    I'm blessed to struggle against my flesh
    To learn so slowly you know what's best
    To fail and crumble but never stay down
    To lay before you one day a weary crown
    I thank you for the burdens you allowed
    Thank you for your never-ending power
    Thank you for the bitter ache deep within
    And the sea of uncertainty in which I swim
    Thank you for each wave that buries me
    And the goal ahead that I just cannot see
    Thank you for the doubt and the fear
    For it's through them that Love draws near
    When the anxieties of life hover overhead
    I remember my Savior who died and bled
    To overcome even the icy grip of the grave
    I remember the price my Jesus paid
    I thank you that nothing comes easy in life
    Thank you for the unending state of strife
    Thank you for every tear I cry alone
    Thank you for making my heart your home
    There's a still small voice in the hurricane
    It steadies my heart time and time again
    Reminds me of a greater Hope to come
    It's a token of an everlasting love song
    Thank you for making me less
    As you become greater, I am blessed
    Thank you for not giving me what I want
    Thank you for a past that always haunts
    For you give me something better in time
    You give me a dollar when I ask for a dime
    You show a path riddled with hardship
    and all the pain you won't allow me to skip
    You take me through it rather than around
    While all along I'm homeward bound
    Thank you for giving me all your heart
    Thank you for every day's brand new start"
     
    #9 Hunter8, May 20, 2017
    Last edited: May 20, 2017
  10. tranonymous

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    Wow, just wow.
    Keep up the good work:eusa_clap
     
  11. Hunter8

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    Once again, thank you so much, tranonymous. Your very kind words are truly an encouragement. :slight_smile:

    Anyway, here's another one!

    "THE PRAISE OF MAN

    I pretend to not care what others think
    No need to iron out every little kink
    So then why do I seek the praise of man
    Instead of merely resting in God's hands
    Why am I so afraid of being seen
    For them to know the truth inside of me
    Why must I always have it all together
    Keep a plastic smile no matter the weather
    Why do I fear being seen as weak
    As a human being so mild and meek
    The praises of men never truly satisfy
    So why then do I even bother to try
    Every "well done" stings like a fiery dart
    A warning that tomorrow it'll all fall apart
    The day I fear will come when I crack
    And everyone will pillage my inner shack
    They'll see the monsters under my bed
    And all the skeletons I tried to keep hid
    They'll realize I've been a phony all along
    I tried to do right but got it all wrong
    Will they still love me when they see
    The deepest, darkest part of me?
    When all the praises stop flowing
    Will I find the strength to keep on going?
    I sometimes lack the energy it takes
    To keep my weary masquerade in place
    To pretend to be the man I want to be
    To bury the frightened child living in me
    To just think I can always keep this up
    And that man's approval is enough
    As long as I look good, I always say
    Then my dreadful pain will stay away
    What do I do to end this bleak routine?
    Do I dare let my many wounds be seen?
    Am I supposed to fail and fall apart?
    To let others see the shadows in my heart
    To be an open book for them to read
    Introduce them to the fiends inside of me
    Am I enough to just be held?
    Will Grace find me in my personal hell?
    Is it enough to just be less than perfect
    Is exerting so much effort even worth it?
    The core of shame inside colors all
    It turns every spring into an early fall
    It obscures the reality before my eyes
    It adds power to all those familiar lies
    Help me, Jesus, to seek only You
    To find comfort in your holy truth
    That all my righteousness is dirty rags
    And yet your love for me never lags
    It never ceases to meet me where I'm at
    Just when I think my disguise is down pat
    You love me broken, battered, bruised
    If I have your love, then what can I lose?
    I rest in you on the brink of tomorrow
    Trusting that I can serve you in my sorrow"