I am trying to quit this cold turkey, and tried this before, but failing miserably. I don't even know if I should quit this anyway.. I've had feelings for her, for quite some time. Confessed my attraction for her and she declined, so I licked my wounds and 'moved on', esp because i am married and was very new to initially understand what this all means in terms of my sexuality. Moved on but not exactly.. We see each other several times per week in public setting. We stopped communicating for many months, then slowly it turned into few words here and there, but mostly still ignoring, on both sides. For the last half a year she started to communicate, once in a while. Then she started doing things for me (kind of taking care of me in a gentleman sort of way). I reciprocated a few times with a few small actions and she seed to be very happy. I feel this pull from her. There are many other details which I dont want to disclose, but I am so in love with her. A few weeks ago she ended up giving pretty obviously physical hug to someone and my heart sank, deeply. So last week I decided to quit her cold turkey, meaning not to go where she is. It worked for a few days, then I gave in. The moment I walked in, she looked into my eyes with a smile going on from across the room. People, is there such thing as true love of your life that no matter what does not let you be away from it? What do I do? Sometimes I feel it is so hard to see her, and sometimes I feel it will be almost self destructive to quit this? Please help.. I probably sound like a teen but I am way past my teens.
I would have probably followed her attention a lot more, or made more obvious moves. But, I have to mostly ignore her or keep it neutral since I am married. I am not very happy in marriage but OK. Maybe that unhappiness is temporary. I dont think it is related to her in any way.. I really want her in my life even in a form of acquaintance or as a friend. I feel connection with her, very strong one. Not only attraction but love and likes for all good and bad of hers. But, when she hugged someone in such a way - very difficult. I am scared to think of what may come if I stay around to observe. She is not married and is entitled to her happiness of course.
Ok sorry I couldn't remember you circumstances. If you had said you were single I might have suggested finding another girl to get her out of your system. It sounds like if you are going to have any kind of relationship even if that is a friendship you both need to sort out your communication. You need to make it clear you accept she isn't interested in you but you still want to be friends and that has to be mutual on both sides. It's going to be difficult from your point of view but time is a great healer.
Do you get the impression that maybe she declined initially but may be gradually coming round to the idea of a relationship? Did your feelings take her by surprise? Does she date women? It is very hard. I haven't seen my catalyst for nearly three weeks and it seems to help. I've been very busy seeing family and other people. I wonder how it will be seeing her again in September.
Yes that is my impression. Usually I am spot on about what people feel vs what they say, but with her - I thought there was a good chance she feels it an I was caught by surprise. She at that time said she has no romantic feelings. I still dont know if she is likes women or even me. She declined initially and there was always hope she did not fully open up to me. She has this reluctance about her, but watches what I do. I am guilty of it too. What is stopping us from being fully comfortable is my 2 year old confession, being married of course, habit of acting as if we dont exist but doing things for each other (sounds strange I know), and pure stubborness and fear. It is my perception and I can speak about this for myself only.. Today she was next to me up close at some point, and the time slowed down. But I am talking myself out of all this as I could be wrong and my perception clouded. Taking a break helps you breathe and evaluate the situation from slightly different perspective. I am sure in September you will notice few more things and maybe resolve a few. It helps me when I take a break and go out of town.
Maybe she doesnt want to lose you as a friend.. wait, is she a close friend? Coz I kind of have this same thing with my straight, married friend/co-worker. I show her she's special like complimenting her a lot, waiting for her at the parking lot at work so we can walk together, texting her every now and then, going to her on my breaktime when I'm supposed to be taking my naps.. tell her i love her when she do me favors. But i never told her i love her in that romantic way.. all because she's straight, she's married, and im scared she'll distance herself from me. I see her as the sun in the storm so i dont want to do anything that will ruin that.
She is not a close friend but the dynamics does have some similarities. I dont want to do anything to ruin that as well. We do not talk but pay attention to each other. She does things for me and I smile and say thanks. I then reciprocate at some point. I am not talking about just holding the door. It is a bit more than that. When you make life's discovery there are "Conditions Apply", why is that?? Would you just deal with this or call it quits? Has anyone quit on their catalyst, cold turkey?
It sounds like you'd like some sort of progress or resolution. How about trying to make it to talking again here and there? Hopefully having a longer chat if it goes well? It's not commiting you to anything but getting to know each other better that way would probably put the relationship on firmer ground and would tell you where you stand.
Yes I've been thinking about that.. It would have been a lot easier if I didnt confess a while back. Lots of time has passed since then, but the impact of my revelation to her was huge. Every word I say I do it Very carefully, because I always worry she will think there are other motives. Even though I have feelings for her, a lot of times I just want to communicate with her casually, as human to human. And the fear of being misunderstood and interpreted as me hitting on her takes over. Her and I are also stubborn, and sometimes it feels like a game. It sounds unhealthy a bit.
What kind of things do you do for each other? Is it possible that she feels unsure how to proceed in the friendship? Or maybe the doing things for each other is just a discreet 'nod' to each other as in 'hey I see you, I respect you, we are friends.'
Also, FYI, I have been there on BOTH ends. Do not worry about your confession. Lean into the awkwardness. What I mean is - if you really want to be her friend and you truly want to connect on a human level - say that!
I think you hit all the right points. I like the 'I see you, respect you, we are friends' possibility. That means she is somewhat comfortable and likes my presence. I want to get to know her more and have her close by. And the only way to make any progress is to be comfortable around each other. Today she told me she got a minor injury, hopefully not a big deal. I asked her questions about it and wished her to be well. I am somewhat annoyed by the fact that I keep thinking about her injury now and am worried/wish I could make it better. I am overreacting - usually I feel compassion but do not continue worry/think about such things..
