Please tell me how to cope

I have been on the opposite side of that reaction. After embracing the fact I was gay sex with my gf began to totally gross me out. My interest totally changed to men and I could only get aroused thinking about being with a man. I wanted to shower and scrub after the few times we did have sex. Within a short time I was no longer capable of intimacy with her. It was a relief because it was the catalyst to saying it was over.
It’s been 2 1/2 years and I don’t think about women at all. Leaving my hetero relationship was the key to my emotional and sexual freedom. For me it was the only way.

 

Get yourself an lgbt therapist!

Google for them or even ask your own therapist if you want. Its completely okay to ask for it if you don't think its going well with your current therapist. For me, I refuse to see a therapist that is not lgbt. There is just too much that I would have to explain to a straight person.

These moments are hard, so talk to your therapist about tools on how to sit with them and then let them go.

Listen, this whole thing isn't your fault. We live in a society that has made us feel like shit and suppress ourselves to the point where we do what we must to survive. You did your BEST! You made it here and now its time to learn new skills to tackle everything else. This too will pass and it doesn't make you a horrible person.

 

@Butterfly6 what prevents you from changing your therapist to an lgbt-friendly one? do it. You'll need this professional support as well as the advice you're going to get from the group here on EC.
I think that it is normal, if you're gay/lesbian that you feel disgusted with opposite gender sex. I often felt this way with my soon to be ex-wife. And I did the same thing as @Contented did, shower and scrub hard after sex. It didn't feel right, to me, from the beginning of the marriage on and off, and later on almost every time we had sex. I even started to avoid her altogether.
The issue for you now is what are you going to do about it? if you decide to break up your marriage then you'd need to think about the kids as well as how you're going to approach the whole situation with your husband. If there are no other problems that would necessitate a divorce then you'd have to come out to him at some point, when you're ready to do so. It would complicate things though if you engage in a same-sex relationship while you're married. It won't feel right and you'll regret it, even though you might like it and it might confirm your feelings, but it will cause you more emotional damage than dealing with your marriage situation first. Of course it'll all depends on your husband's openness with regards to your sexual behavior outside your marriage.
Good luck

 

From my perspective it would have been impossible to remain in a relationship with my then GF. Physically I was unable and the thought of being intimate on any level I found disgusting after acknowledging my homosexuality. It certainly wasn’t her fault it was all on me however I at that point I didn’t care. I needed to be with a man, period.

 

I guess I did because I had nothing to compare it to. I grew up with the traditional heteronormative brain washing that you needed a woman to achieve the “dream”. It never felt completely right but ok. There were signs but I buried them so deep they never surfaced until I was 50. By a fluke I met the man that triggered a re-evaluation of my sexuality. After that the feelings for women quickly disappeared. I was actually relieved when I was no longer capable of intimacy with my then GF. It cemented the fact that buried under all that baggage was a gay man. Quickly left that relationship and have been with my BF for almost 2 1/2 years, living as a couple over 1 year.

 

Deep breaths, my friend! You're ok and it will be ok (though I know it sucks right now). Heard some simple but compelling advice the other day: the only absolutes are that everything changes and nothing stays the same. I don't know why but it comforted me, because it's true. You'll find a way through this in time. I agree with @smurf, find an LGBT therapist if you can. There's nothing wrong with changing therapists, it's about finding a good match and is nothing personal.

 

I had always been bisexual, got married and I also have three children with ex wife, I'm a guy. For me the sex never turned to disgust but like I told my friend in the messaging bit of EC. Why have a ham sandwich when my favourite is roast beef with horse radish sauce? Something was missing sexually. I asked for a threesome, she quickly fell for another man!
I moved out....I'm now slowly dating guys....

 

Hi I am new here and was drawn to your post because I guess I am feeling or dealing with the same ideals. I don't have access to a decent therapist where I am and I feel constantly confused and out of body. The only difference is ive never had the best sexual experiences with my husband however I do have a daughter that I treasure. I had feelings for a friend years ago and we kind of acted on it..nothing major though. I tried to talk with my family about how I felt and was told how wrong it was and would be so now I am lost so to speak.

 

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not easy when family isn't supportive. Is there anyone in your life that you trust to open up to about your sexuality? Also, have you talked to your husband about any of it? As you can probably tell, you will find many people in the same situation here that you can talk to (including me!).

 

First of all, let me say that whatever you are, you are okay and you are worth love, including love from yourself. To be honest, you probably do not have an easy road ahead of you and that sucks, I'm sorry that you're feeling the way you are but your feelings are TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. You're not wrong for feeling how you feel.

Is it possible to consider asking for a different therapist, specifically one who is LGBT or has dealt extensively with LGBT issues? What exactly about being gay makes you feel like it is "way too much?" Are you in touch with exactly how you feel or is it just a general feeling of being overwhelmed by this realization about yourself?

I can remember feeling very weird at 17 when I realized I was bisexual. It was strange, like I almost felt like a stranger in my own body/mind. After some time though I processed these feelings and realized that hey, it's just a part of who I am and I can either roll with it and have fun with it or fight against it and probably end up hating myself. I ended up rolling with it and today, at 25 years old, even though I'm only out to a few people in my life, I can say that for the most part, I'm legitimately happy with myself. There are definitely some things I want to accomplish in my life etc. but none of my goals right now have anything to do with my sexuality.

At some point, I truly believe your sexuality just sort of becomes a non-issue.

Good luck to you and sorry you're having a tough time. I hope you reply to some people in this thread and discuss some things because it might help you.

 

Hi Laney thanks for posting. I have no friends now and unfortunately not much of a life either. Everyone ive ever become really friendly with has used me. Same with the female friend that had feelings for...so I have a hard time trusting anyone i guess. I used to play the idea off. I havent been intimate with anyone in a very long time. I just feel lost.

 

Thanks for writing...a few years back after my secret relationship broke up because she was just using me in bad given up all hope. I did start doing drugs and drinking and ended up in the hospital. The only thing that got me out was the fact I didn't want to live me child with my husband but I feel like I've been suffering ever since. I dont have any friends now. Everyone I've ever met has ended up using me in some form so feel alone. My family is totally against same sex relationships.

 

It sounds like you've been through a lot. I understand not being able to trust again when you were treated badly. I hope you're doing better with the substance abuse (have you been able to find support for that such as an AA group?). I'm not out apart from a few carefully selected people. My parents are very religious and wouldn't approve. Also, being married, I have no idea how to explain it even to my more open-minded friends and relatives without feeling exposed. People would expect if I'm coming out that I either plan on getting divorced or plan on sleeping around. I don't know what my path is yet and I don't feel like explaining away other's assumptions now. There's nothing wrong with deciding when and how to come out, as long as we take care of our well-being in the process.

 

After I was in the hospital and almost died I struggled but didn't touch any of it anymore because I didnt want my child to be left with my husband. I struggle with my feelings all the time. I just keep hoping that one day things will change

 

This is EXACTLY how I am feeling right now. I feel so anxious all the time and I cannot eat either. At least you will know when you are feeling alone with you spiritually going through the same thing.

 

You're a survivor and you're there for your child. That's so important to keep in mind in the midst of these challenges-the good things you do and the hard things you've overcome. Cuz I know I for one tend to beat myself up a lot over my sexuality due to how it's affected my marriage.

@Butterfly6 and @LezCee I get those feelings too. I never used to cry about anything, now I cry about small stuff. I don't know if I can even be strong enough to come out to certain people in my life.