Please help me!

OMG, I'm sooooooooo sorry! That. Sounds. Painful.

The letter might have to be it. As hard as it will be. But, I can't really offer any better advice other than to be good to yourself. You didn't ask for this, and you didn't do anything wrong! Why are some people so damn clueless?! My therapist says it's a really good thing that we can't read one another's minds, but some days I wish people could so I could be spared saying anything.

Just so you don't feel alone... I'm madly in love right now. And though the woman is single, I can't tell at all if she's even a smidgen gay. And I haven't been able to work into our conversations that I'm gay. And I'm terrified. We have become fast friends over the past month. We are bonding over some shared experiences, but dating and sexuality has NOT come up yet. I'm terrified to let her know I'm gay because then I'm afraid my feelings for her would be totally obvious and she would pull away from me. I'd rather have her as a friend than not at all. In the meantime, I see her every day when we drop off our kids at school in the morning, we walk together, have coffee together, she texts me little cute messages throughout the day. It's KILLING ME! Yesterday she texted to ask me if we could go for a long walk in the park without the kids on Sunday. WHAT? I'm totally panicked. Whenever I see her, it's like everything else in the world fades to black, and I just want to lie down on the ground and die.

This love thing... it's amazing anyone gets out of it in one piece. Like I said, be good to yourself. It's so intense, and we absolutely have no control over it.

 

I totally relate to the panic and the madness. I can't stop THINKING!!! I'm so sorry that this has been going on so long, and you are just stuck in a loop with this situation. It happens! But yeah, if you don't see any way it's just going to naturally come to an end until 18 months from now, Jesus, you'd better do something. I think the fact that they are talking about you and how cool, young, and awesome you are and that your wardrobe is on point is too much. Of course you are a mess!

I'd better do something too, though my therapist says that me being gay is going to be such a non-issue to this woman, that I should just go with the flow. It's only been one month. We are getting closer, so it might just come up naturally. Therapist worries that if I make it like a big awkward declaration, THEN it will make the friendship difficult, but if it just comes out non-chalantly in the course of conversation, it will all be fine. Because I'm so new at this, she thinks I should just relax. She thinks I'm treating my gayness like it's some incurable disease, haha. But it's easy for her to tell me to relax! I'm a hot mess! The other day, V (my crush) texted me to say she'd like me to spend a weekend with her at her parents' beach house in August. Again, WHAT?! I'm going to just die. Can you imagine? Such a disaster. Haha.

 

By the way, how old are you?

 

You are obviously a hopeless romantic. Not everyone is like us.

V (my crush) texted me earlier to say her ex-husband bailed out on taking the kids, so she sadly wouldn't be free in the morning after all.

I thought I wouldn't see her today, but she told me her mom was watching her kids tonight so she could go to a party. I didn't know what time the party was at, and I didn't know what block V lives on, but right around 8pm, I decided to walk my dog and go up the street I *thought* she lived on. I thought I might just get lucky and see her heading out. I'm a stalker!

Anyway, sure enough, I'm walking along, and I see a woman with long blonde hair sitting on some building's front steps railing. I was approaching from behind, and I thought to myself, "it would be so crazy if that were V." I passed, turned around, and sure enough, it was her. She looked really sad and overwrought sitting there smoking a cigarette -- sexy as hell.

I called out to her and walked up to her and her face totally lit up when she saw me. She told me she was feeling really guilty about leaving the kids because they begged her not to go, and she was just sitting there getting herself together... not even feeling like going out. I told her that she deserved to go have some fun, and that we can't just live our lives for our children... that we have to figure out some ways to make ourselves happy. (She and I are both recently separated from our kids' dads.) She asked me to walk her to the party, and I did.

We had a really nice talk and stood outside the party a long time before she finally decided she had to go in. She was so sweet... told me that running into me had been the best thing that happened to her all day, and that talking to me always helps. At some point in the conversation I told her I thought she was like 10 years younger than me, and she told me that no, she is 40 (just 3 years younger). She thanked me profusely, said I'm her best friend, and walked holding my arm for a little while after that.

We have such a great connection... and all these magical things keep happening. I still think she's straight, but I was really pouring on the hints tonight. I hope she can just tell what's up. It's going to get super obvious if it isn't already.

It's so hard for me to just enjoy the fact that she obviously likes me. She's the kind of girl I always wanted so badly to like me. I didn't know why when I was younger, but now it's like my dream come true for a woman like her to seek me out, talk to me earnestly, show so much interest in me. I still don't think she's "into me like that", but even so, it's so nice to have connected with her. I wish I didn't feel so overwrought about it and could just enjoy it for whatever it is and for however long it lasts. SIGH...

 

Omg, RJay!

Who are going to play you and V in the movie?

 

HAHA! My brother thinks this is bound to turn into a major love affair. I don't know... It's so hard for me to believe something like that is possible. Like, I figure out I'm gay, and within a couple of months I meet my dream woman, and she actually goes for me?! No. I can't believe I could be that lucky. All I know is that she *does* like me *a lot*, and I should really enjoy that without worrying about what's next. But, I struggle!

Anyway, as for who should play us if this thing goes all the way? Hmmm... Alexandra Hedison could play me and Leisha Hailey could play V. They are both in "The L Word". Look them up. Both gay in real life and fit us perfectly as to our "types".

 

Well, I saw Wonder Woman today, and she asked me what I thought, so I went on and on about how gorgeous the actress was and how cool it was to see a powerful woman like that. Then I said, "oh and there was some handsome actor too, but who cares!" She laughed.

When I flattered her by saying she looked younger, and she told me, "you're my best friend!" I said something super corny and cringe-worthy like, "keep me around and I'll flatter you all the time." She sort of chuckled and leaned into my arm.

I never thought I could flirt before, but I guess I just wasn't trying it with the right person, LOL.

And, omg, haha about feeling "super self destructive" and walking the way you might see her. YES!!!

 

I'm with your brother. Just wait until your dog leashes get tangled.

 

LMAO!!!

Sorry if I hijacked your thread, "I am here". I'm just so hopelessly in love right now too, so I figured we could commiserate!

 

I do feel so badly for you. What a disaster to have fallen for a gay woman who is taken?! Honestly, I think you'll feel a lot better if you lay your cards on the table. Just tell her. There's a few ways it can go:

1. She is flattered, but in love with her partner and not you. She lets you put some distance between you guys so you can have a chance at falling for someone else.

2. She feels something for you too, but doesn't want to cheat, so, as above, she lets you put some distance.

3. She feels something for you too, tells you, and wants to cheat on her partner with you. You'd have to decide whether that was OK.

4. She feels something for you, tells you, and leaves her partner. SCORE!

Realistically, there are no other possibilities. As hard as it will be to get this out in the open, I think you will OK however it plays out! Any of these outcomes are better than suffering the way you are now.

 

I am here, is it possible your teacher friend is just really happy to have found someone who she can talk to and who "gets" her? The fact that her partner knew about you seems to me that it's unlikely she has feelings for you if she's discussed you with her partner.

The issue is that you're in a particular emotional state because of where you are in figuring out your sexuality and therefore susceptible to lesbians being nice to you. A lot of us are in that state.

If I were you, I'd concentrate on the available woman you've been talking to. I'm not sure what good it would do to confess your feelings. You don't want to break up her relationship, right? Regardless of your feelings, she's not available.

 

OMG, don't be sorry. I know it feels like it's going to be humiliating, but honestly it shouldn't be humiliating at all. What's bad about admitting you have a crush on someone. How could they fault you for that?

I get what "Really" is saying too on some level about not declaring your love to someone who is taken, but in this case, you just can't shake this woman. You need her to cooperate in giving you space so you can get over her. The only way is to either tell her how you feel or start being a complete bitch to her in an effort to get rid of her. The second option would be a really poor choice. Honesty is better, IMO.

 

Also, maybe don't listen to me at all, because I am a mess in the love department myself. HAHA!!!