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Please help me guys.. relationship problem

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by modembox, Jun 21, 2017.

  1. modembox

    Regular Member

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    Hi everyone,

    My partner and I have been together for a year. I'm a straight female and I thought he was a straight male. Recently I found out he's been going to a gay sauna behind my back... I was so confused, I couldn't believe it.
    I confronted him and asked him what that was about and he said that he just went there to get some dr*gs.

    I decided to believe him and "dropped it" but something inside of me was telling me that this was just not right. I called up the sauna and asked them what their premises are like, dress code etc. They said to me that once you enter the premises you HAVE to get naked and they give you a towel. And you can't bring anything inside.

    I confronted him again about it and pushed him to his absolute limit until he finally told me the truth.. He's been there a few times and he is so ashamed of it. He said he doesn't understand himself why he does it, he says that when he takes dr*gs he watches a lot of gay p*rn and he likes it. He says it's something he likes to do because it feels wrong and he feels like he's being naughty.

    He said that in general he is not at all attracted to men, never checks them out and he always feels weird after m*sturbating to gay p*rn. He said it's only when he takes the dr*gs, he gets an urge to make this fantasy a reality.

    He says he loves me and he is 100% sure of that, but I don't know what to think, I am so lost and hurt. I know where he's coming from by hiding it from me as no one knows he's done this before. I am the first person he's ever told and he said it was never in his intent to ever tell me because he doesn't understand why he does it himself.

    He's never actually had intercourse with another man, he's only had oral performed on him 1 time. He says he can't bring himself to actually do intercourse because he feels too weird about it but he wants to try.

    Somehow, I know this might sound super weird now, but it kind of turns me on to know that he's been with a man. He asked me if i'd be okay with him occasionally going to the sauna to fulfill his urges to sometimes be with a man. He's happy to do it with me sometimes so I can look.

    I am so lost, him going to this sauna while we were together is cheating isn't it? but somehow I don't seem to be able to classify it as cheating in my own mind because it wasn't someone from the same sex. I am so confused. I can't talk to anyone about this as he doesn't want people to know but I am going crazy here.

    I like monogamy in a relationship and to feel like i'm truly giving myself to someone and that other person is also truly giving themselves to me. I am so numb right now I just don't know what I'm feeling, I don't know if I still love him, I don't know if i'm disgusted, I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can share him.

    Do I leave him? is there a chance that once he actually tries intercourse that he'll love it and wont want me anyone? is there a chance that he's completely gay and is just using me as a cover and thinks he loves me because he can't admit it to himself?


    Please help me.... thank you for reading
     
  2. stingrays

    Regular Member

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    he's probably bisexual. my guess is he's never had an opportunity to fully explore his sexuality, and maybe under the influence of drugs he's starting to see another side of himself. if you're okay with polygamy, that's really up to you. people tend to see it as really taboo but if there's a lot of trust and love in a relationship, it can work. however, the possibility of him being bisexual doesn't excuse cheating. if he's been having relations with other men, then that's cheating and it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay with him. it doesn't matter the gender, cheating is cheating no matter what. i honestly can't say whether or not he's gay, bisexual, straight, or something else so i can't promise you anything. i suggest you determine how much the relationship means to you, and if you're only interested in a monogamous relationship and don't trust him, i would break it off.

    good luck, and do what you feel is right. human sexuality can be very confusing.
     
  3. modembox

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    But is it possible? Is it possible to truly like 2 genders?
    When you're bisexual, do you have period when you only want to be with a man and others when you only want women?

    I just don't know anymore, I am so hurt and betrayed, I feel like my world is crashing down. I've never asked for all this. People shouldn't do this to other people..
     
  4. Humbly Me

    Regular Member

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    There are people who have attraction based purely on personality and have no feelings specific to a gender. So I would say that it is obviously possible to like two genders. Whether he is bisexual or gay, I don't know. If you feel like he has betrayed you, your choices are to let him go or give him a second chance, and support him through this to figure out his sexuality and if he can still be with you. But you have to add the condition that he cannot, ever, lie or hide his sexual interactions or your relationship will never work out.
     
  5. resu

    Advisor Full Member

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    Bisexuality is more of a spectrum than some type of "gay/straight" on/off switch, as described in the Kinsey scale. However, you and we cannot decide for your boyfriend what is his sexual orientation. He must define it for himself. Drugs have little to do with orientation but can affect behavior.

    No matter what he is, I think going to a gay sauna raises a lot of questions about what type of relationship you are willing to tolerate. You can't control him, but you can control your own actions.