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Please help - maybe lesbian - being sexual with guys

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by finding, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. finding

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    hey,

    i tried to make this short because i know this is just one of 5,000 similar posts. but its actually really long - im sorry.

    i'm 18, a girl and probably for the last 8 years i have held this really dark hidden feeling that i might be gay. recently i started college and being sexual with guys (i'm too nervous to have sex - but like making out, giving oral, getting oral back etc.) For a few months I was totally happy - like I had overcome this gay phase - but now idk if i'm just particularly paranoid but i'm starting to question everything again.

    chronological evidence .
    1. thought a lot about boys growing up - but i was very very tomboyish myself, in behavior, dress - when i think about it sometimes i wonder whether i would prefer to be a boy (life would be easier)
    2. had a strong crush on a few guys but in very childish ways (age 8-11) - when i analyze it, they weren't sexual, just kinda obsessive/emotional.
    3. i found out my older sister was gay (age 9) and that was weird, she represses it a lot and doesn't talk about it, nor do my family. it's a weird dynamic. they aren't overtly homophobic but i wonder whether this affected me.
    i remember being shocked/maybe disgusted (I was only a child) that my idol was 'gay'
    4. When i was 10 i started to become a little fixated with a teacher in my school, i was just near obsessed with her
    5. I had a similar fixation with another girl - both performed music/were in musical shows and i remember being utterly transfixed and obsessed with everything they did (age 10)
    6. i had a few crushes after then on guys - one on a male teacher i was really interested by

    now comes the huge life changing bff crush (age 12ish)
    i just became madly obsessed with this girl. for 3 years it took over my life, was all i thought about day and night. i never told a soul. it was 95% emotional - i just wanted to be near her all the time, hear every single thought, protect her - i would be jealous and possessive of other friends. i was sure she was my soul mate. it was like 5% sexual

    in that time (12 - 15) i started having sexual thoughts, mostly about women. rarely was i attracted to a girl i knew in real life, but i loved the idea of having sex - i watched some porn, didn't like it but preferred reading erotic fiction. i tried masturbating and enjoyed that

    (meanwhile literally no guys display any interest in me - i feel very insecure about it)

    -- when i was 16 i started hanging around with this guy, we had a very emotional connection (though not the same as with girl bff) - we went to prom together and he was definitely interested in me. i was SO nervous and immature i pushed him away. from then, things became really awkward - he stopped talking to me and for over 1 year and a half i was obsessed with getting him back. i couldn't believe i was so foolish -i think it's the 'hard to get' aspect that attracted me. i imagined us having sex and i was really turned on, he started seeing other girls (including girl bff i had a crush on) and that almost destroyed me, but i wasn't sure who i was jealous of... him or her....

    this continued for 2 years - meanwhile i hardly see people when i'm out and think i want to have sex with them - it's something mental for me.

    over the years i become OBSESSIVE about my sexuality
    every time somebody brings up lesbians, or anything to do with that i become really self conscious - out of habit i think. i am just suddenly aware of every part of my body and i get flustered. i have lots of close gay friends who i know would accept me - yet i cant bring myself to talk to anybody about this. i contemplated counselling for years, but i was just so so afraid

    so i started college 5 months ago - meanwhile i am completely over my bff and the guy i had a thing with - i hardly think about them.

    i go a little bit crazy, i start drinking - making out with guys and it's fun! college is wild and i just enjoy the recklessness. i don't like kissing (i've only ever kissed guys , and mostly drunK) it's gross, i hate tongues and i dont derive any pleasure from it

    things start getting a little more sexual - as an example one night im watching a film with a guy friend (i wouldn't say im attracted to him normally - emotionally or physically), he starts fondling me under the blanket and im REALLY turned on. we hook up (give eachother oral and it's really fun). i do the same with one or two other guys - one time shitfaced, the other mildly drunk. one i hardly remember, the other i didn't really respond to his touch when he gave me oral... i started to wonder whether there was something wrong with me 'down there'. i would say i need to drink something before i have sex....

    here's another thing - i have a huge crush on one of my female professors, she makes me really nervous in a way no man has ever made me - i've imagined her sexually and it turns me on. i also have sexual thoughts about guys. i think this is a theme, some girls just really capture a very sweet, idealistic side of me - they make me nervous but in a nice way?? i haven't had this same feeling with a guy partly because of the male-female dynamic i think - there's a lot more responsibility on me being the sweet one.

    when i watch porn - it's almost always straight and quite often 'degrading' porn - like punishing schoolgirls or taboo/forceful stuff - which makes me feel kinda bad afterwards but it turns me on. i do imagine myself having sex with guys, i ifind the 'unstripping' process really hot - but so far my sexual experiences haven't been as amazing as i would hope.

    so this is the end of my story - i'm back home at the moment and my guy friend/crush from when i was 16 wants to go on a date with me. i'm tempted, i have these dreams where i imagine myself losing my virginity to him - and it would be meaningful because of this history we have. but im also SO nervous and jittery of the thought. would i feel like this if it were a girl? ?

    i'm thinking maybe i just need to be open to hooking up with a girl and seeing what that's like? i've never had the same soul connection relationship as i had with my girl bff/some female teachers. but then that's more emotional

    i literally think i could be so deep in the closet i'll never come out - i worry some of my behavior - hooking up with guys drunk is destructive. why can't i talk about this with anyone?

    admitting i'm gay would be absolutely horrible - just the thought of the judgement people pass on me is horrifying. what if i'm actually just emotionally numbing myself???

    goddamn i wish i could just find a boy i have a really strong emotional connection with - in which case im sure i could enjoy the physical aspect. maybe this is just a game of waiting??

    Thank you in advance, i apologize for my insane ramblings - it's been therapeutic to get it out at the very least.
     
  2. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    In my honest opinion, you are straight, none of this sounds gay at all whatsoever, just feeling awkward around the opposite sex which may have caused confusion. You could possibly be bisexual due to the feelings for your teacher, but it sounds more like bi-curious thoughts which almost every straight girl has.

    As for sex...well I consider oral sex to still be sex, so I wouldn't call you a virgin anymore in any way shape or form, but if that's part of your hetero culture and beliefs, that's fine. I just think if you value penetration so much and have such a limited opinion on what sex is, I would say that women really are not for you at all. Sex with them is limiting which is why we have more varied definitions and more creativity; it probably won't feel any different than your experiences so far and the other girl may end up hurt in the process.

    You probably are just some normal straight girl who doesn't feel fulfilled with hook-ups and needs a guy with an emotional connection, which is normal.
     
  3. bi2me

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    I respectfully disagree Fallingdown. I think that if she has had a series of interests in females, she has a strong possibility of being bisexual. This doesn't necessarily mean you are 50/50 attracted to men and women, but if you have the thoughts enough that you've been bothered/obsessing with them, you should think about what they mean.

    From personal experience, I wish I had taken my thoughts more seriously in college before getting married. Even though I'm perfectly happy and fulfilled (at least most of the time), I do have the "what if" question pop in my head a lot.

    Feel free to PM me or post on my wall.
     
  4. finding

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    Firstly, thanks for your replies, it's immensely liberating to be able to express this. I wrote this all in an insane frenzy - this is literally the first time in my life I've written anything like this down so it's overwhelming.

    @fallingdown7, I want to apologize - rereading I can see how some of the things I said are actually kinda offensive - I readily admit I'm hugely hypocritical (internalized homophobia?) in the way i feel about the things I do/way i feel compared to how i think about virginity as a construct, objectively. But sexuality/orientation is mostly about feelings as opposed to our objective sense of what is and is not, right?

    I'm curious, from your experience how long do these bicurious phases last for? Is it the type of thing that fades once you have experience with a woman?

    Reflecting on everything - at this moment in time i'm pretty sure of one thing - - i'm some degree of bisexual/pansexual... it's just a matter of understanding my mental state because

    I readily admit I am frightened of being gay - that's 100% for sure. I spent nights when I was 13/14 and almost exclusively attracted to a girl lying in bed, crying + praying every night that this would go away in time...and recently I feel like it has at least diminished. but i also haven't given myself the opportunity to get very close emotionally with anyone i am or could be interested in... this is maybe why im all of a sudden depressed about my last semester. i ultimately want a profound emotional connection with someone.

    I still feel as if either of you could be right: one of my lingering thoughts about this whole thing is what if I am

    1. completely straight with natural straight girl 'bicurious' tendencies- in which my whole obsessing over this for the last 8 years is 'gay OCD' or intense paranoia ? maybe as a result of my sister? 'curiosity of the exotic'??

    3. I'm gay (or at least massively leaning that way on the kinsey spectrum_) in which case my 'reckless' behavior recently is me trying to cure myself or something

    I worry if this is the case - im so unsure of my feelings for everyone, i really feel what you're saying @bi2me regarding taking my thoughts seriously.
     
  5. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    Please don't apologize for coming off offensively lol I mean I normally don't like the concept of virginity whatsoever (as it is used in a sexist/heterocentric fashion) but I'm not going to fault anyone since It's a cultural thing and I wasn't personally offended by it. I just think it might be a difficult thing to hold onto if you find out you weren't attracted to men after all, since it would make things more confusing.

    Though you could be gay too and I didn't mean to invalidate you, It's just something I didn't fully sense since you seem attracted to men and if you are, there's no shame in that as well.

    But if you turn out to be gay, more power to you; It'll be a hard road but you'll have plenty of supporters.
     
  6. mapleluv

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    This isn't something I would suggest to most people, but since you don't seem uncomfortable with random hook-ups, maybe you should try hooking up with a girl? That might help to really clarify things. (I personally had no idea I was gay until I had sex with a woman, after which it was immediately obvious. So it can help.)