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PLEASE HELP! How to get over a guy who's messing with your head...??

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Scottbre, Sep 30, 2020.

  1. Scottbre

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    Hi all,

    Last year I started university... which was wonderful for a little while. I started meeting new people, making new friends, and trying new things/exploring my sexuality a little more.

    However, early into my first year I ended up meeting a guy. It was on a night out, we had been drinking a lot, and we eventually hooked up.

    Now... this would have been fine, until it happened again and again. We hooked up quite a few times. But this is the part where things get worse. He has a boyfriend. a somewhat longterm boyfriend, but kinda long distance and they don't see each other very often. BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, they're apparently in an open relationship. (I don't understand OR's, but each to their own...).

    I have literally fallen for this guy, and I know I shouldn't have, but I unfortunately can't force myself to stop liking this guy.

    Over summer, we obviously went our separate ways... He went home and so did I, and we didn't speak for quite a while. This time apart was so crucial for me, we barely spoke and drifted, I almost felt confident enough to say I was over him. However, a week ago he came back to uni, as did I... and because our friends are the same we're now living together (he's literally directly above me as I write this). Even though we drifted, and I began to feel over him... on his second night here he kissed me, and we had a very 'passionate' night, genuinely felt like we had a spark that had been re-ignited.

    Last year sometime while I was very drunk I told him that I like him, and he even said that he liked me back. But I know in my head that he only really hooks up with me when he has a problem in his relationship, or when he's horny.

    I am so upset with both him and myself, genuinely thought I'd be over it by now and I'm not. I want to start dating other guys but I can't figure out a way to stop my feelings for him, despite everything.

    Please help me forget about this guy so I can move on and not feel so shitty about the whole situation.

    Thanks guys
     
  2. Andrew7

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    That sounds like a really tough situation, sounds like he might be pretty hard to resist too.

    Just out of curiosity, if he was willing to give up his current (if any) open relationships and promise to only be with you, would you be willing to embrace him more?

    I know it's not the answer you're looking for (actually quite the opposite xD) but if you would, I would consider giving it another go. You could tell him, you like him, but you don't like open relationships, so you can only be with him if he promises to only be with you. In that situation, he either says no, in which case, this helps you move on, or he says yes, and you get him all to yourself without worrying about open relationships (assuming he keeps the promise)
     
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  3. mlansing

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    This is a messy situation, especially because you guys now live together. It will be extremely hard to get over him if you are forced to see him and interact with him on a regular basis.

    As the previous poster said, it might be a good idea to be upfront and say you don’t want to be romantically involved with him if he is still in another relationship. If he doesn’t respect that, he doesn’t respect you, and at that point my blunt advice would be to get out dodge. Move out and don’t talk to him anymore.
     
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  4. QuietPeace

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    It sounds to me as if you and he have different feelings about your relationship. He wants to keep his current relationships the way they are, his boyfriend as his close emotional contact and you as a purely physical thing. You want an exclusive relationship with him.

    I am coming from the viewpoint of a person who has been in more than one open relationship and I am a person who does not believe that being in a relationship means that you have the right to control the other person. It is my opinion that if you demand that he leave his partner for you that he is not going to agree to it. He was open about communicating his situation with you. Have you been open in communicating your feelings on that? You need to let him know your feelings, just remember that he has already told you that he is committed to someone else and be prepared to accept whatever answer he gives.

    edited to add. and about your title. I do not think that he is messing with your head. Your feelings about him and about the type of relationship that he is in is what is confusing you.
     
    #4 QuietPeace, Sep 30, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2020
  5. mlansing

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    This is of course assuming that he is being honest about the fact that he is in an open relationship, but your point is well made that he has been open from the start that there was always someone else in the picture.

    If the OP has known from the jump that he doesn’t want to be involved with someone in a relationship then perhaps that is enough information to walk away. It would be for me.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    @mlansing there are several aspects here

    If the boyfriend is poly then I am almost certain that he was open about it from the beginning. I know quite a number of poly people and we are all open about that fact at least with anyone who we "date" (whatever dating etc involves for them). In which case the OP knew from the beginning that he was entering into something where he was not going to be exclusive with the boyfriend. So it would not be fair for the OP to ask the boyfriend to alter his relationship. If the OP did not want to be in a poly relationship (as you seem to indicate that you would not want to be in one) then it was his responsibility to not get involved in the first place.

    If the boyfriend is not in a poly relationship and is lying about that then
    1. It absolves the OP from any responsibility over the cheating aspect with the boyfriends original relationship.
    2. It would mean that the boyfriend is someone to walk (actually run) away from and not be involved with at all. Anyone who will cheat on their current SO is going to cheat on you eventually and thus is someone to not be involved with at all. (I have been in this situation from both sides - being the "other woman" and being cheated on, neither is nice)
     
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  7. Lucy Marie

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    Many moons ago.....I was in college. I found a guy (I am straight) and determined to marry him. I “gifted” him with my virginity. Each summer he would break up with me and I always crawled back. Senior year, still not sure how, I convinced him to get engaged. Lived with his Mom (recession and not saying what year :slight_smile: ) and she got into a very conservative bubble. We now lived in sin....
    So, we are married per her demand. Four years later our son arrived.
    Ex hit a milestone birthday and decided he was not cut out to be a family man (least not with me) and he left for good.
    I was in brand new city, no job, a confused kid.....
    I tell you this saga as a warning. College loves are more likely to last than high school ones, but not a great track record here either.
    My point is this: do you want to dance on his strings? What do you visualize as getting everything you need from this relationship? In your heart of hearts do you want him or are you just wanting a relationship?
    Think it through. I will never trade my kid, but I certainly made my life more difficult by not heeding warning signs.
    ((momhugs))
     
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  8. JennIsOn

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    Ouch. It sounds like he's using you at his convenience. And since you like the guy and live with him, it's going to be really difficult to get over him. If dating other guys is what you want, maybe you should try doing that. Or have a direct conversation with him, while sober, about what's going on between the two of you.