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Pissed about my dad's latest response

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ABeautifulMind, Nov 12, 2016.

  1. ABeautifulMind

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    As many now know (and any others can easily see in the coming out stories thread I posted before) I cam out to my dad not too long ago... I had been thinking about it for a long time, planned it for a while, and finally pulled the trigger after a few weeks of trying...

    Things went pretty well, and a couple weeks later I let him read the letter I wrote my mom to come out to her. I basically wanted his advice since it is his wife and all.. Plus as I mentioned in my other thread, I had left some shit out and figured rather than having to work up the courage again, I could just let him read it in her letter, problem solved.

    Well the other day he sat me down and prefaced what he was about to say by telling me he "doesnt want this to sound like a threat but..."


    Basically he said that if I dont tell my mother he is going to have to... He doesnt feel right keeping something this "big" from her... Now I was taken completely off guard because he had such a good response to me coming out before... I just kinda nodded, agreed and changed the subject as quickly as I could..


    I dont want to add my own thoughts to the thread just yet as I want as unbiased and unadulterated responses as possible. But I will be adding some more to this thread later once I get some feedback, because there is more, sort of... At least as far as what I think and all...

    So, I guess what I wanted to do was vent, as well as here what others think or maybe some suggestions... Definitely some general support, because this is definitely causing me significantly higher anxiety... Thanks.
     
  2. Smores

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    Coming out is your choice and if you don't feel the need to, you shouldn't have to. It's not your dad's place to tell you who you let know. I think you should explain to your dad that it is not something he should threaten you about and maybe remind him how difficult it can be.
     
  3. killswitch0029

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    I don't think your dad really has a place telling you who you should or shouldn't come out to. Him thinking it's wrong not to tell her is his own feelings about your feelings, which doesn't seem logical since he doesn't really understand what it's like to go through such a thing.
     
  4. yuanzi

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    Is your dad doing this to be supportive (i.e. helping you to move forward) or unsupportive (i.e. trying to get other family members to gang up on you)? I could not really tell that from your post.

    I know my family would never force me to come out to more people b/c they are still in denial and somewhat ashamed of my sexuality, if that makes you feel better :slight_smile:

    When I came out to my friends though, I kind of expected them to go around and tell other people (some of them did). I feel like most people (probably including myself) just suck at keeping secrets and I should not burden them with my secrets. So yeah it is pretty hard to put the genie back in the bottle...
     
  5. Romancer

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    Hey! I agree with the others who have replied to you, but, I also think that in some ways your dad is right. I can understand that maybe your dad is not comfortable keeping such a big "secret" from your mom, after all she is his wife! If your dad and mom have the kind of relationship where they are open and honest with each other, that's a good thing. When spouses keep secrets from one another it can lead to serious problems with their relationship especially if it involves one of their children. You must respect their relationship and how they choose to treat themselves and each other in their relationship. You would want them to respect and honor your relationships, right?

    Don't you think your mom deserves to know about you?

    If your dad wants to tell her about you out of malice, or because he wants to hurt you, that's one thing, but if he wants her to know because he cares about her feelings and because he is uncomfortable hiding things from her, then that's whole different story.

    Maybe you should clarify with your dad why it's so important for him that your mom knows about this. Once you have a better understanding of his motives, it might make it easier for you to tell her yourself.
     
  6. OGS

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    I think you're dad is right. My Mother did something very similar. I remember I came out to my mother and I told her not to tell my father. She agreed but then a couple days later she came to me and said that she had to tell my father if I couldn't. I protested, and I'll never forget what she said. She said that she was happy that I felt like I could confide in her, that I could come to her when I was scared or unsure what to do. But then she said that what she did when she was scared or unsure what do was to talk to her husband and I had to let her do that, because while this thing wasn't happening to her in the same way it was happening to me, it was happening in her life too and I had to let her deal with it the way she dealt with challenging things in her life. I agreed and we told him.

    I think you have the right to keep your secret as long as you need to. But I don't think you have the right to expect the people you tell to keep that secret even from the people they are closest to. Secrets are toxic--especially when you have to keep them from the people you are closest to. That's part of why coming out is so powerful. Don't foist that kind of secret on your father.

    Just my take...
     
  7. Guff

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    That sounds horrible...

    Did you try telling him about when your mom asked you and seemed to be unsupportive of that kinda thing?
    I know you said you changed subjects kinda fast, but did you at all tell him that wasn't okay?
    Sexuality is really a personal thing... He should not tell her without your consent.
    What ideas do you got for solving this problem? It sounds like a shitty situation.. Especially when you're still getting over telling your dad, and all the troubles your niece has had medically and than your legal issues.. I'm so sorry things are falling apart, but maybe it'll all be for the better once you put them back together again..
    Please pm me once you can, I really hope things turn out for you.
    Guff
     
  8. falconfalcon

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    You have to understand what its like to be a couple, and a parent...

    Your parents probably really love you. They took care of you for years, and probably worried about you alot on and off as they raised you, when you were little especially.

    Its hard raising a kid sometimes..

    They probably really care for you, and have put a lot of work into making sure you are OK, and hoping that you would have a good life and be happy, and invested in that a lot with effort and emotion.

    They have probably had endless talks about you since you were in the womb


    Your parents have a partnership, a tight one, about raising you and being there for you. The probably both care a bout you deeply

    When this happens - if something is going on with the kid, they need to share it with eachother. Because they know the other one cares, worries about the kid. If there is something important going on with the kid, major, they would want to know. If they love you - they need to know.


    This is how a healthy family is, built on love, and needs to be there for eachother, and needs to know their loved ones are OK, and needs to know whats going on with their loved ones.

    When you get older, you will understand :slight_smile:


    Be nice to your mother, you mean alot to her, and she need to know you are OK, and part of that is needing to know what goes on with you and your life. She is connected to you - and that connection needs to be well kept so that she is OK


    I know homosexuality and LGBT and being gay is awkward and hard and problematic to talk about sometimes. I know


    But that doesn't change the fact that these people really depend on your for their own emotional well b eing. You mean something to them

    It's important to work things out with them, in a healthy way :slight_smile:


    Take care :slight_smile:
     
  9. Totesgaybrah

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    When I came out to my mom in an email I asked her to talk to me before talking to anyone else but I guess once she started reading she started going OMG OMG OMG so obviously that got my dads attention so he knew immediately. I was planning on having my mom tell him anyways but I just did not plan for it to happen right away.

    Now i'm glad it happened that way, I did not have to work up the courage to tell him myself and my mom did not have to keep that secret which she told me she would not have been able to anyways. Was kind of like just ripping the band aid off rather than slowly peeling it back.

    I had more anxiety about telling my dad than my mom but you seem to be the opposite, funny thing is my dad seems to be handling it better than my mom so who knows maybe your mom will surprise you.

    I guess I empathize with your dad in this situation while it is your decision who and when you come out to, I think it is slightly unfair to make your dad keep this secret, only because secrets really do eat away at you.

    Ultimately it is up to you remember that.
     
  10. ABeautifulMind

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    ok, so I have seen a pretty even spread of people either saying that he should keep the secret or that he shouldnt HAVE to...

    I would point out, this has not even been a month, I completely intend on telling my mother shortly, I just want to get some things in order, especially telling my niece because she is so close to my mom...

    Not only that, I specifically asked if he could keep a big secret for a while from my mom until I was ready. He assured me he could keep a secret even condescendingly saying, if he can keep all my sisters "big secrets" he can keep mine. It was one o the reasons I felt I could tell him....

    I had no clue he was going to flip this around and put a deadline on when I have to tell anyone...

    Make no mistake, I fully intend on telling my mom shortly, I just dont think it has been that long, we live crazy lives thanks to my nieces medical issues my mom has been home for 5 days in the last 7 months... Literally... My niece has significant issues, not the least of which (at all) is a liver transplant.. It is hard setting aside a time to tell my niece, and it is hard setting aside time to tell my mom... And now I feel like I have to rush...


    So for those who say he shouldnt have to keep this secret, do you really think that given his assurances regarding keeping my sisters secrets AND the fact I intend on telling her I just honestly have not had an opportunity to tell both my niece and my mom thjs way I want to....

    Make no mistake regarding this particular issue, had I not planned on telling my mom, I sure as hell would not have told my dad.... I just need more than 2 weeks to do so... I really thought that was fair.. Not to mention if secrets are so toxic how could he keep "all my sisters secrets" like he told me, verbatim...

    And I dont think this is out of malice at all, my dad isnt like that.. But whether or not it is out of malice doesnt really change how I feel about it that much.... OK so it probably does... I would be significantly more pissed off if I thought he was doing it to piss me off or get to me or something.... But that shouldnt marginalize how I do feel about it, and I feel pretty pissed, still.... But Im working on that, really, trying to keep spirits high :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Thanks for the posts... Let me know if you still think what you wrote, or if this adjusts your perception/opinion any....
     
  11. OGS

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    I'll stand by what I said. My Mother made it a few days. I think she really thought she could do it but didn't really realize the depth of how it would affect her and the betrayal involved in keeping it from my Father. She wanted to be there for me but she also needed to be there for herself and for her husband. I think when you are in the midst of coming out it's too easy to forget how it affects the people around you.

    I hope everything works out.
     
  12. falconfalcon

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    yeah that makes some difference.


    Your Dad wussed out on you.

    But probably he really tried to reassure you he would be there for you becuase he wanted to. He wanted to make sure he was availble for you to talk to and confide in.

    so - you can give him shit about being a wuss all you want, with secrets, for a long time to come


    But - all is fair in love and war.


    he tried to be the most helpful he could, and is wussing out on some of it.


    You can talk to him about this you know.

    like, 'you know i was planning to talk to mom about this but its really hard, and this is a really hard time, so i'm struggling to get where i need to be with it'

    and tell him ab out all of it


    if you want....


    anything else we need to know? :wink:


    Take care. Sounds like a really rough time and a lot going on :/


    :slight_smile: <3

    (*hug*)
     
  13. Guff

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    Why dad your dad want to tell your mom your bi? Like... It shouldn't be that hard of a secret to keep, I for 1 don't go around telling people about other peoples sexual preferences..
     
  14. Chip

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    You have to understand here... something that I think is getting missed in the discussion... by telling your dad, and telling him to keep it from your mom, you're putting him in an incredible ethical dilemma.

    One's child and one's spouse should be the people to whom we have the closest ties. The people we don't hold anything back from. Unless you said, before you told him, "I want to share something difficult with you, and I need your absolute commitment, before I share it, that you will not share it with my mother", and he accepted that without qualification, *before* you told him... then you've put him in an unwinnable bind. He has to choose between authenticity to you and authenticity to his wife. An impossible choice.

    So he's doing his best to manage the issue the fairest, and most ethical way possible.

    This may not feel good to you. And I think if you try and think about it from his perspective, you'll begin to gain a different viewpoint and perhaps understand what he's experiencing.

    I don't know what the right solution is. I do think you can discuss it with your dad and hopefully work it out.