1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Persistent ex

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Apr 12, 2020.

  1. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,789
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I posted about this back in November, but things haven’t really improved. We spilt up nine months ago and my ex still seems to think there’s a chance of us getting back together - he bought me a 1kg chocolate bunny for Easter.

    I’ve consistently said ‘no’ every time that he’s specifically asked and I’ve been quite clear about not being willing to consider it, which he seems to think is unreasonable. He bought me an expensive Lego set for Xmas, which was soar from our daughter, but I did tell him that it wasn’t appropriate to spend so much.

    I only interact with him when it involves our daughter - phones calls between them, handover, catching up about progress at school, etc. I’m positive in these interactions for the sake of our daughter, but I think he might be reading it the wrong way.

    Any ideas? I was thinking of giving the bunny away and telling him that’s what I had done. I don’t really want that much chocolate anyway.

    He doesn’t know that I’m gay, but I’m reluctant to tell him because he can be very unkind and deliberately awkward. It would, however, probably put an end to him thinking that we might get back together. I’m not out to family yet though, so that bridge to cross first.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,895
    Likes Received:
    570
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Tell him your gay. Your not being honest with him but hat will surely end his efforts to get back together. You already stated it yourself so you know what the right answer is.

    The question is, are you ready to tell your family if you see that as a first step before telling him?
     
  3. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    676
    Likes Received:
    346
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In other threads you’ve used stronger descriptives when describing his behavior: “abusive”

    It sounds to me that he does not respect your boundaries and does not listen to you. Personally, I would not open up to a bully, just in the hopes he might then go away. You said no. You left him, very carefully as I remember because you were afraid. Afraid is good - listen to your gut reminding you his behavior does not warrant your being open and vulnerable about your sexual orientation.
     
  4. BiGemini87

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2019
    Messages:
    328
    Likes Received:
    183
    Location:
    Petawawa, ON
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Honestly, judging from his behaviour alone, even if you weren't gay, you'd have adequate reason not to get back with him. :/ You don't have to out yourself to him, certainly not right away, at least. But it does sound like you'll have to do it soon, before things potentially escalate.

    I haven't seen your other threads on the matter, but do you have joint custody? Or does he have full custody? Is there the potential of that changing? I only ask because it's hard not to factor in the impact it will have on your daughter as well if he takes it poorly.
     
  5. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,156
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I am sorry he is still persisting, I guess in the past he has always been able to wear you down and so in that way his brain is not giving up hope of being able to do that again.
    I can see in some ways telling him you are gay might make him stop, if you want to do this then go for it however I would only do it if you feel comfortable doing it and as you say it probably means coming out to your family and so it is all down to whether it is something you feel ready to do.
     
    Peterpangirl likes this.
  6. Caraldo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2017
    Messages:
    213
    Likes Received:
    183
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Well lost... I think that you do have to consider if it is time to tell him. I know that it can be difficult though because I met a few others who like me, had a spouse/partner who didn’t want to let go no matter what. If I remember correctly, he really didn’t seem to care that your relationship wasn’t great, without even knowing that you are gay. Not to say he doesn’t have genuine feelings for you, but he may just see you, him, and the child as comfortable and acceptable. Many partners have trouble seeing how damaging the situation is to them..they can’t see past the mental image they have built of the relationship. Good luck and remember.... do whatever you feel SAFE doing.
     
  7. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,789
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes. That was my feeling. I’ll stick with it. :slight_smile:
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,789
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    We share custody and I have primary residence, so our daughter’s main home is with me. I don’t think that would change, but I suppose there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t try it.
     
    Landgirl likes this.
  9. Peterpangirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2017
    Messages:
    789
    Likes Received:
    608
    Location:
    UK
    You don't want to be in a relationship with him: this is your truth and you have never given him any reason to believe that you want to get back together. I think if you are worried that he will take retribution if you reveal that you are gay, then it is worth considering remaining silent on the matter. Your well-being and your daughter's is paramount.
     
    LostInDaydreams likes this.
  10. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    May 10, 2016
    Messages:
    2,789
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks @Peterpangirl. Hope you’re doing well, lockdown aside.