Hey so, I’m sorry if my question seems stupid but I’ve been struggling with my gender identity for a few times now. I had a very hard time accepting I liked girls , not guys, and never will. I currently identify as a woman and it matches my gender assigned at birth . Here are some things that make me question my gender and causes me distress . It should be noted that I’m in therapy, I will address those questions with a professional as well. But some feedbacks from trans folks would be very helpful . So I made a list about what I think could be hints that I could be trans, and others being maybe more rational like other explanations . Like idk I’ve pushed back this question so many times that I’m terrified of asking them but I think I have to address them. My soul is craving to know. WHY I COULD BE TRANS my general anxiety disorder started right at puberty … as soon as I began to have my periods. Before my periods, I feel desperate, deeply upset , as if I was about to do something that wasn’t meant to be With my body. I have so. Many. Dreams. Of me being the opposite sex. Like each night , and they give me a strong sense of release. It’s as if my subconscious yelled at me: I am a man. i want to be one. I feel so free in these dreams . But also so so so ashamed when I wake up I have a huge fantasy about being a man, sexually. I can never experience orgasm unless I only focus on giving pleasure to a woman. When a girl goes down on me or says that I’m pretty, it’s kind of distressing and I have a hard time enjoying it. But feeling myself inside of a girl and picturing being able to experience it with my own skin is driving me crazy and it’s the ONLY tile I can orgasm. NB:!!!! I am not fetishizing trans people in any way, its only a me thing and I would never chase a Trans person!!!! trans people are not object to fetishize and I hate when ppl do that!!!! I’m really moved by the testimony of Trans people. I look up to them a lot, something inside of me yearn to fight for them. Transition and the right to do so is one of my major Fight for the lgbt community , and I’m so impressed by transman and Gnc women. When I see a drum testimony I’m so Interested but feel very shameful and try to hide this part of my curiosity When I’m masculine and you can’t see my breast, I feel so like me. Like I’m so proud of myself. But I hate to admit it. And I’m scared of people saying oh you look like a boy when you shouldn’t. cutting my hair felt like a renaissance . My whole family was against it and said I was denying my womanhood and I felt ashamed. I feel like exploring my masculine side as a woman may not be enough and I’m like mad envious about looking like a man and having facial hair. I’m very envious of my guy friends and have an obsession over their aesthetic . I’m very jealous, I’m fact. When I look at my brother I say to myself : he is living the life I Want. getting my haircut done by a man gives me euphoria, buying clothes form the men section is incredible , and I’m so envious about getting male underwear but again so ashamed. I can’t do lingerie anymore when people use females pronouns I’m not upset , just it feels weird … but Ive been used to it my entire life thinking I could be Trans makes me highly distress and gives me panic attacks each time when I was little going to the boys section of the shops felt like a crime. I’d pretend it was a gift for someone else . I forced myself so much to like feminine things when I got into middle school and never fitted in WHY I WOULDNT BE TRANS! could just be about me not embracing my masculine side ! I could just be a lesbian wanting To be more masc!!!! But being ashamed of breaking gender roles i don’t have dysphoria! I can put on a dress and enjoy it, I can go to the beach without wanting to hide, I don’t shower in the dark etc. I love makeup. I feel so weird when I look like a male while being fascinated , it’s another version of me , but is it me ? Or is it dysphoria, what I’m feeling? could this be a phobia like HOCD? why would I only know NOW and never had sign during childhood? my family Would reject me, especially my mom -i DO have other disorders such as high level anxiety . could be just mixing everything up !!! I don’t relate to typical trans storylines I had no idea as a child and again no fucking dysphoria but I’m scared that transitioning should gkveme dysphonie insread of happiness !!!! could be just that I’m gnc without needing transition could you give some advices on how to know if you’re trans? I want to experiment passing as a guy but I’m terrified and feel like a crazy person . I’m not saying that trans people who want to pass are I’m saying that if I’m not trans I would be like mixing up everything and regretting tranxition and risking everything . Thank you for reading
Hello! A lot of things that you described do match up with the feelings I have also had, but maybe for better understanding I should share my story as well and maybe you can relate and that might help you out. I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. Some people just realize it all later in life and there is nothing strange in that. It has been almost a year. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed. When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting too. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional, so I just try to distract myself. I do have plans of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. Many trans people don't experience dysphoria at all and you don't need to experience it to be considered trans. It's all about how you feel inside. Do you feel like you are not in the body you are meant to be in? Clothes, makeup and other things do not have gender. There are guys who do wear them. By cutting my hair short and compressing my chest area also felt more like me and when imagining myself as male I feel happier too. I also get envious of men. Every experience is different and others can't really say who you are. You just have to feel it inside. Hope this all helped you a bit. Also something to note, that HOCD is not recognized condition. It's all just OCD and that means having obsessive compulsive disorder and I don't really get that from what you have written. If you are really worried, then I would recommend talking to a therapist.
Hi Puretime, from what you've written, I'd say yes you could well be trans. I'd just back up what Rayland has said - there is this long established idea that if you're trans you've known from an early age you were born 'in the wrong body', or played with toys associated with the opposite gender, suffered dysphoria etc etc. What's become clear to me is that I spent five decades of my life desperately trying to fit in to being male. Like Rayland, I knew I was different. Once the idea of wanting to be a girl lodged in my brain I could never ever ever get rid of it. I thought that love could save me, that enjoying a happy fulfilling relationship would mean I could forget about being a girl. But every time a relationship broke down or ended these thoughts came back. So a lot of what you've written had me nodding in recognition. It actually wasn't until I came out to myself in 2020 (at the age of 50!) that I truly experienced dysphoria for the first time. But once I started coming out to friends and once they accepted me as female, I experienced a euphoria like nothing on earth. I mean, tingling, big smile, happy happy happy euphoria. And that's when I knew there was no going back - I knew then that I'm a trans woman, just one living in a transphobic society that had been spent a long long time socialised as a male. Hope this helps. Good luck! Beth
Hello @puretine I am AFAB and when I came out in my 30s I struggled so much not with the sexuality part but with my gender. For years I had no idea what my label was. I was like you. I joined forums, I spoke with other trans people. I researched, I swapped and changed my label and I drove myself insane. I can give you my own background and I hope it might help you. Since I was a small child I remember never feeling right. I had cousins who had lovely long hair yet I begged my mum to cut mine short. Luckily she did, without fuss. I screamed the place down when my mum put me a skirt on when I was about to go and play outside. I wanted trousers or shorts. I felt horrible in a skirt. I was below the age of ten at the time. We used to play games in the school playground where we would re-enact movies from TV. I always played a male role. At home, the friends I chose were all boys. I climbed trees, rode my bike, made bow and arrows, did everything with them. I felt like I was one of them. Then everything started to change. I hit puberty and my breasts started to grow and I began having periods. I cried and cried when my periods started at 12 years old. I hated how suddenly I was singled out from the boys and I spent the rest of my school years in no man’s land. I couldn’t hang around with the boys any more and I felt awkward hanging around the girls because all they talked about was girly things and I felt odd and different. I then changed the way I dealt with all my gender issues and also the fact that I had attraction for women by shutting it all off completely. I forced myself to accept who I was. I wore dresses, grew my hair long and curly and became as feminine as I could in the hope that all those crazy feelings of mine would go away! I met a wonderful man and we got along so well. I married him and had a family. However I had moments where I would want my hair short, I’d buy trouser suits, I’d feel fantastic when I did this. Over time my attraction to women became stronger but my thoughts about not being entirely female also became stronger too. I started to fantasise about what it would be like to be male. I would look at handsome guys and not want to be with them. I wanted to be them! Then in my late thirties I fell in love with a woman and I came out to my whole family and friends. I also explained to them that I felt like I was male. For years I’d worn very tight sports bras to flatten my chest (not recommended as I have caused myself problems now I’m older). I always hated my breasts and I still do. I wanted to find a woman who could love me as a man! I had thoughts that I was a transman. I even identified as FTM at one point. However, whilst identifying as FTM I never felt quite right. Whilst I never wear feminine clothes at all and would never be seen in a dress, I love my make up. I am feminine in a lot of ways. I would hate the thoughts of having facial hair, I wouldn’t want a lot of male aspects. I wear aftershave but I wouldn’t want to have to shave. So I was thrown into confusion again. Whilst I dream of waking up as a handsome young guy, in reality I wouldn’t want to change this body I’m in and put it through surgery or take hormones. Yes I get dysphoric but I’ve learned to deal with that. I did a lot of soul searching for over a decade before I landed on the label “non binary”. I’ve been happy with that label ever since. I’ll stick with it because it defines me as someone who isn’t entirely female but someone who although is more on the masculine side, isn’t male either. I imagined if I lost my feminine identity totally and it freaked me out. I also went from identifying as bisexual to lesbian. Now even identifying as lesbian makes me feel odd because I am more on the masculine side so the word lesbian doesn’t quite sit right. I don’t see myself as a lesbian in my head because I see myself in a more masculine role when I’m with a woman. Every woman I’ve been with has Loved that masculine side of mine and it’s been great. I’m happy when they see the boy. However I don’t have an alternative label to lesbian so I’ve accepted it as it is. There are still days when I question my labels but I wouldn’t go back to attempting to change them because I’ve driven myself crazy already in the past with it all and there came a point where I finally found peace with myself and the labels I chose. I’m just me. Yes I’d love to be more masculine in appearance but to be entirely male would make me feel just as odd as being entirely female does. I hope my ramblings help in some way.
Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful answers . It gives me a large panel of case in terms of gender identity and discovery. The thing is I’m scared of only having an odd kink, like auto androphilia or a transformation kink that would falsen my feelings . But it’s so odd because in those sexual times it feels so freeing to say to myself : I’m a man as if I was holding it back for too long . Idk if I could be considered as an autoandrophile but I’ve heard trans people can discover their identity through sexuality and « fantasies » at first. I’ve always associated the fact of being a man as something somewhat destructive (due to violence and my mom having a miscarriage ) , and I think that’s why I’m suppressing it so much . Maybe it’s more of a fear of potentially being a male inside that terrifies me. And idk if being trans should feel this way and I don’t want to appropriate and identity that isn’t mine and risking . I will treat these discourse in therapy anyways . However I’m done suppressing this possibility . The thing is I’m scared to launch myself into this and convincing myself I’m a male when I’m not and to detransituon and risk sterility etc. However i felt the same way when I discovered I liked girls (and felt like an impostor) but it felt more natural I’m afraid to force myself here . thank you so much for your help the trans community seems very lovely
You are welcome. Yes the biggest fear of transitioning is to do so and then feel it’s not right and have to de-transition. I understand all your thoughts. Give yourself plenty of time and work your way through life perhaps not thinking too much about your gender label. As I said, I literally drove myself crazy trying to find my label. Perhaps use the non binary label first and then see how you go from there?
I agree with @Sunchimes give yourself time to figure it out and try out the labels, that might feel like describe you. I also had a hard time figuring out that I'm really trans and kept denying it, mainly because of my enviroment and fear, but once I accepted it, then all the doubt went away. I tried to work against my feelings and go back into denial, but one point that just don't work anymore. At the same time I also started questioning my sexuality and went through a lot of labels and only label that I was comfortable with was polysexual label, but I wouldn't worry too much about finding a label. Some don't use any labels at all.
I’ve been thinking about the label non binary and I’m glad to say that it feels like home it gives me space to explore my masculinity and enjoying my femininity as well. I tried to bind using multiple layers of bra and I feel so great !! I’m def gonna explore that more , and it feels less scary than to be trans binary bc it won’t give me as much room to explore (in my opinion) wouhou !
Yeahhh! This is exactly how the non binary label felt (and still feels) for me. I’ve been happy with this label for many years. Please be careful with the binding with bras. I did this for years with sports bras and I now have permanent costochondritis (inflammation of the ribs). Serious issues can arise from binding in the wrong ways. I’m an oldie so if I can prevent younger people from hurting themselves with this then I’ll try my best to. If you do bind, don’t do it for long periods of time either. I’m sure you know all of this though. Just be careful
Thank you for the tip!!! Yeah I’ve noticed that it gives me bad ribs pain. I’ve ordered a binder I’m so fricking excited haha Im thinking that I should explore my gender first without giving any pressure on having an answer . I feel better because I’ve dared to do so ! Maybe I’ll keep you updated on my gender journey , with the hope that it could help some not so cis people out
Welp I'm back! Turns out I havent explored much and for some reasons. I think I'm comfortable EXPRESSING myself in a androgynous way and have some nb tendacies but my gender IDENTITY isn't fitting to a trans one . I want to share those thoughts because it can show that even cis people can question their gender ! Im sorry, i'm always changing my mind about this topic but I think its worth the thinking. First, my therapist doesn't seem to think I have some level of transness but that it could be due to some trauma : basically an older brother died before my birth and she thinks i feel guilty because of it so Im kinda reliving it through my gender IDK IT SEEMS WEIRD but I know brain has a way to process trauma through sexuality so it'd make sense I think its a possible explanation and i have to think about it deeply with her, and that would explain why those gender crisis always come near my periods; its not dysphoria or anything but rather a mental mechanism . Either way, i can never see myself transitioning i think it would be too weird. Some people told close to me told me that my haircut was too masculine and that it didnt fit me: now I feel even more shitty and stupid for wanting to experiment with gender So basically here I am, a 20 something woman (?) with a fetish and a need to explore androgyny. I really like binding and having a flat chest but I dont do it often because of the heat. I know most trans people would do it either way to achieve euphoria. Im also pretty sure I'll never transition but i'd rather do sport and eat in a healthy way to have a muscular/ androgynous body and reduce my chest fat, that can be a start. However Im still really fascinated by non binary and trans individuals . But i think its because of their gender non conformity. Basically I dont know if im afraid of exploring because of my surroundings and I dont ever want to come out because it would make it real when it could be just a mental process. Ive heard a lot of story of detransition etc and i've read that trans people know their identity deeply and need to transition to be happier in their body, which i dont need to do . I also went to a trans solidarity protest and as much as i support trans folks i didnt feel like i belonged there and didnt "see myself" in the individuals around me (which we're all really cool) SO i think thats a pretty big indicator. Basically I wanted to say that also Im still questioning i know im not a trans man for sure and i never felt like one, i feel a 100% more woman. Im still really interested in non binary identities tho but i dont want to appropriate a label that isnt mine. This was a quick update, you can share your thoughts if you like! Hope that'll help some folks to understand that the quest to find yourself can be very confusing haha, been there with my sexuality, starting over with gender
Once again, im sorry if this was disrespectful of trans identities. I definitely know that for some folks, it is a real and steady sense of self/ or it can be more fluid and filled with doubt. This is why therapy can help you question yourself. I think I'm not a part of the trans community, tho i have a sense of queerness in terms of gender expression. Anyone can question gender identity: the secret is to give you time. Thank you for your warm answers
Hey c: I'm very happy that you can have therapy and reflect on gender issues freely and safely. Even if you find out that you're not trans, questioning your gender and experimenting with your gender expression was brave (not dumb, or wrong) and mature. Even a cisgender identity (gender conforming, gender non conforming) should be explored; I don't mean that everyone should rack their head on their gender (which can be exhausting and scary, it's not something I would wish for someone) but at least they should go beyond stereotypes and question the automatism of behaviors ingrained by the gender assigned by society based on their genitals. It's not that transgender people bear all the complexity of a gender identity, and cisgender people should just go automatically and they'll be fine. So... yes. Youcould even be a leading example.
I agree with you a thousand percent ! I think there’s a lot of a pressure for trans individuals to deconstruct and rethink gender norms when it should be a process done hand by hand with cis people , to ease the existence and expression of alternative identities. I hate the current discourse among some feminist that see trans people as a « threat » when really, gender minorities help reshaping the gender norms that are harmful to a lot of people , cis and trans . I love being gender non conforming and i’ll stay a strong ally to the fight for equal right of transgender people ! I agree with what you say: anyone should be bold about gender !
