My husband and I have finally agreed (or perhaps just finally vocalized) that the end of our marriage is inevitable. After my own realization of and sharing of being gay, we have moved into an open marriage for the time being, but agreed that we need to start looking at what we’ll need to do to proceed apart. Info to note: We’ve been married about 18 years and have two kids (ages 5 & 8). My mother-in-law lives with us. Just about everything in our lives is intertwined. But we are working through all of this with great love for each other. We are in no rush, but don’t want to drag it out either. So, to anyone who has gone through this step or is going through it, what do we need to consider? What steps should happen when? What might we need to be careful of or watch for? I feel really overwhelmed by all of this.
I wish I had any practical advice to help you with, but since I haven't reached that moment in my own marriage yet, I'm not experienced. But I'm happy for you - I know it's kinda weird to say this, since you've been going through a difficult moment, but you're getting closer to be able to live a fuller version of yourself and that sounds exciting. Also glad to see how understanding your spouse is, even though it's really difficult for him too. But his attitude seems to make it somehow easier, especially that there are kids involved. So I do believe the worse has passed and best days are ahead of you, waiting to be lived! Good luck for both of you! Wish you all the best!
I've been separated about oh well, about a year in July!. I'm male and have my own place to live. It's hard on my kids but we are embracing the future. I believe in looking forward. We will divorce in the next year. We were at war since I left last November but we have a truce now. I've excepted her boyfriend. And one day she will have to accept my boyfriend!! Give your kids extra love and cuddles as it's really hard on kids and I feel guilty. But I'm loving my new life, embrace everything and laugh everyday, absaultly love my beard, finally have confidence to simply not care what people think af me as long as I'm happy. Just take your time and plan ahead, money is important, I have to watch what I spend which I didn't previously, developing a liking for tight clothes and hats!! Gym and running Wishing you all the luck, and give them kids all the love and cuddles......my kids love visiting me and I actually enjoy them more! Jon xx
My wife and I had about six months to prepare for this. We sat down and discussed how we would prepare for the separation and divorce. We consulted our accountant and a divorce attorney. We found it easier to just sell the house, pay off debts and split the financial assets. We also composed a list in which we divided our personal belongings and household furniture. The accountant recommended that we file joint for this year. The divorce attorney drew up our separation agreement and gave us a review of how to implement the separation and explained how the divorce would unfold (it varies from state to state). It's best to create separate checking accounts and begin to slowly separate or cancel joint credit cards, insurance policies, cell phones and such. Try to save up as much money as possible. Draw up a budget and figure how much you need to live. You might want to get a job now (if you don't have one) to earn extra income. It seems overwhelming but if you both cooperate and take your time, you should be able to untangle your assets and be ready for your new, independent life. Good luck!
@Angelica g - Thank you! I will look at that! @JToivonen - Thank you for your encouragement. While I know we have a lot of hard times ahead, I do think the hardest emotional hurdle is over (at least I hope!) @Rade - It’s always so good to hear from someone enjoying life on the other side! Thank you for sharing!! I am concerned about how my girls will do, but we are committed to doing our best through this for them, and I’m hoping that it assuages that hurt. I’m so hopeful for happiness!
Thank you for all of that! It does feel like the financial piece is a big hurdle to start with. I think slowly piecing out those entanglements will help it all feel less overwhelming. The house is also a big thing - especially since his mom lives with us. I’d like not to make ours kids move if possible, but I’m not sure what that’ll look like. That’s a big one for us. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts on it!
We ended up getting our house appraised and then split the existing equity in it. He kept the house and I moved out. That felt fair to me even if it works out in his favor financially in the long term. I couldn’t afford the mortgage payments on my own, he can. I recommend books like Two Houses for the little ones to help them through the process. My kids were 5 and 2 when we separated. We split custody 50/50 which is working out well. We do a 2/2/5/5 schedule where he has them Mondays and Tuesdays, I have them Wednesdays and Thursdays and we alternate weekends. It was hard to get past the guilt of not seeing my kids everyday. But I find now that I’m a better parent and more able to be present for them on the days they’re with me. We’ve both agreed that being good coparents is important for the kids. Regardless of how we may feel about each other, we know its important for the kids to have a relationship with each of us. And we don’t badmouth each other or let the kids play one of us off the other. We make a united front even if house rules are slightly different at one place vs the other.
Yes, I already feel this guilt just thinking about it. But your schedule seems reasonable, and I do find that I’m not present of mind much of the time with my kids right now, so I can see that focused tome being better. As a child of divorce myself, I’m hyper aware of the impact even little comments can have on the kids. I remember vividly things my stepmother said about my mom. I never want that in my kids’ lives. Thank you for sharing your take on it!
So, an update. This has been an exhausting and sad weekend. My husband and my anniversary was yesterday and we celebrated it together knowing it’s our last one. We’ve been taking turns breaking down and sobbing on the other’s shoulder. I told him I thought he should keep the house and I should start looking for a place. We both want the girls to keep their home, and the combination of his mom living there already and me not being able to afford the house on my own means he should stay. But it’s killing me. I look around at the home we’ve created and I’m near tears with every memory and old hope. But I know we have to keep making steps now. Staying in this spot will kill us both. So I’m looking for a place. He’s looking at refinancing the house and separating our financial accounts. We’re starting to look at how we’ll share our time with the kids. It all hurts but it’s all necessary.
Stay strong and press ahead. I feel your pain but you are on the right path. It's a sad but necessary pain we have to go through. When my wife and I had our anniversary, it was very sad (as there was nothing to celebrate). We were already dividing furniture, personal effects and creating separate accounts, so it felt more like a funeral of sorts than a anniversary. However it will get better as a new life developes for both you and your husband.
I am going through the end of my divorce after being married and together 14 years. I have been a stay at home mom for eleven years so for me independence is a big thing. Financially it will change for me too. I have continued counseling which I think is very useful. I am preparing myself for being independent such as finding transportation and getting a job. I have found resources around to help me with those two things. I am in an emotional and financially abusive relationship so I definitely had to get a good lawyer. Your husband may not be this way but you definitely need a good lawyer to ensure that you will be financially secure and that custody is done correctly. People can say many things and promise money and visitation but it definitely needs to be decided with a lawyer or proper paperwork because he could change his mind. These are the most important things I learned throughout the process of my divorce.
