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Partner not acknowledging me - Any ideas why?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by LostInDaydreams, Jan 11, 2018.

  1. LostInDaydreams

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    Over the last couple of weeks, I've found that my partners words and behaviour aren't bringing me down as they normally would do. Sometimes I'm reacting differently and sometimes I'm just not letting it get to me, but I'm noticing the particular things he does more and wondering why he does them.

    So, here's one of them. There are times when my partner just doesn't acknowledge me. Sometimes he'll talk to me indirectly through our daughter, so things like 'DaughtersName, this house is a mess', but doesn't talk to me or look at me.

    It normally happens when I've done something he's embarrassed by, such as when I couldn't get the fuel cap off and he just sat in the car with his arms crossed, made no move to help and was short with me when I spoke to him. Or, it'll happen when he's done some work around the house (and probably feels that I've not done enough). So, today he's been off work, which means he'll have been doing some housework, and I came home from work to find him making jelly with our daughter, which is lovely, but he doesn't even acknowledge that I've come home. Didn't speak to me until I'd spoken to him, didn't say hello or ask about my day. Just focused on what he was doing and talking to our daughter. Didn't even look up.

    I think this is really odd behaviour and I'm wondering why he does it...to pretend I'm not there? I don't know, any thoughts?
     
  2. Barbatus

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    Hi LostinDaydreams,

    Sorry to hear your partner is not acknowledging you. I don't know much about your situation except what you have written here. It sounds though like your partner is being emotionally manipulative - when you don't do what he wants or fail to meet his expectations then he denies you are even there or makes disparaging comments but not to you, through your daughter. And it sounds like he is looking for reasons to criticise you. The fuel cap example is horrifying, anyone who cares about someone would help - not sit there like a spoilt child.

    Can I ask why you are with him? Sorry, if this is a bit strong but his behaviour is appalling.
     
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  3. Anthemic

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    Hello, LostInDaydreams.

    Upon reading your first few sentences, I already had an idea about why he’s acting this way. I have high intuition and, in my opinion, I’m pretty good at pinpointing human behavior. Though, there have been a few times when I’ve been wrong (even though it’s rare). With that being said, my idea was that he is probably feeling hurt and ashamed by your sexuality. As I read further and finished reading your post, I still stand by my original assumption. In my opinion, I think he may resent you. He may feel that he has been betrayed and emasculated because of your orientation. This is NOT your fault.
     
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  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Thank you for your reply. He's not aware that I've been questioning or of my sexuality, but for obvious reasons, there's not a lot of intimacy in our relationship. However, I do agree that it feels like resentment.

    Thank you for your reply. Yes, I know it's not great. I'm still with him due to circumstances and, to be honest, poor self-esteem. I've been working on it though - spent a year career training and now have a job. It's a work in progress.
     
  5. Anthemic

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    Oh, my apologies. I assumed he knew based on his actions and you being here. >_< I still believe this may be resentment. Does he ask for sex?
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    No worries, it's a fair assumption. I wasn't working when I started questioning, so leaving wasn't an option and so I didn't tell him. I still haven't told him.

    Sometimes. Only about once or twice a month. It did used to be more often, but I think he's picked up that I'm not that into it. I can't help pushing his hands away and I've often started to fall asleep.
     
  7. Barbatus

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    Hi LostinDaydream,

    That's great that you have been career training and now have a job. It's really important that you have both your own source of income and the esteem boost that comes with it.

    Do you mind if I ask; are you planning on leaving or do you think you would try and stay with? (Don't answer if you aren't comfortable discussing it).

    I think you might find that as you become more independent and confident he will resent you more because it will mean he is losing control over you (and it sounds like that's what he is trying to do through his power play games). So in addition to Anthemic's point you might find he becomes worse as time goes on.
     
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  8. HelpLOL

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    This action feels out of place, I don't mean to worry you but I do wonder if he's found or figured out something about your sexuality. If he has then I agree with what was said above. On the bright side, this reaction would be preferable to a blow up. Anyway just thinking through what would be going on in my head to act in that manner. Can you think back to when it started? was there a moment? or is this just a slow progression of what was already going on?
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    I don't mind, ask anything you like. It's a hard question to answer. With the career training, I've always had leaving as a possible outcome. The pay, hours around childcare, etc. if I were to be single, have factored into my career choice. I suppose I don't see at as a forever relationship, but I don't have any fixed ideas about when I'm going to leave either.

    @HelpLOL He makes lesbian jokes every now and then, i.e. I picked a film where two women kiss, that must be why I picked it, etc. I'm not sure how shocked he's going to be. He was very against me getting my hair cut short. I did it anyway.

    I'm not sure when it started, to be honest. I think it's since we've both been working. He's got traditional views - thinks I'm odd for not wanting to iron his shirts, make him a packed lunch every day, etc. But, he has got form for being distant. I think he had a bit of a crush on a colleague a few years ago and went a bit distant with me then. I felt very much that I was not good enough. I felt that he resented me then too. This happened over a year before I joined EC. He'd go on about how great she was, bought her gifts, met some of her family, etc. He was working long hours, so we barely saw each other. Once when he came home, the first thing he said was 'Why's your phone not working?'. No hello or anything, he was quite aggressive/frustrated in tone. He didn't have his own phone, so was borrowing mine. This female colleague had messaged him and he'd missed it, but apparently it was my fault as my phone wasn't working.
     
  10. Barbatus

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    So you suspect he may have cheated on you? And yet he still treats you this way. And he expects you to be the wee little housewife. Does he have no respect for you as an individual with your own goals and desires?

    It sounds like he may suspect - I don't know but the jokes about you picking a film because of two women kissing seems unusual for a straight man to make to his wife.

    I would say that speaking to him about his behaviour to try and resolve things but from what you say he doesn't sound like he would take it on board. I guess you probably need to decide what outcome you want before you work out how to achieve it. Of course, if you just want to talk about things without planning anything specific that's cool as well.

    How do you feel about him and how he behaves?
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I don't think anything physical happened. I just mentioned that as another example of him being distant. We did talk about eventually as he was late home one evening and it was obvious he'd been dishonest about where he was. He said he didn't want anything to happen with her, but that he was excited about the possibility of someone seeing them and thinking something was going on. We nearly split up. He told me that he felt closer to his colleagues than me, didn't love me, etc. and she knew we were going through a bad patch as he'd ask her for advice.

    He went through a phase of making a few comments like this, but hasn't said anything for a couple months. I did wonder if he'd worked it out, but I'm not sure.

    That's a hard question to answer in some ways. I don't like how he behaves, but he's not all bad. He took a nine month career break so that I could focus on career training. On the other hand, he can be incredibly unsupportive. For example, telling me to give up after one bad interview. So, I don't know whether he's just got no awareness of how his words and actions impact other people, or it's done deliberately. He's also very set in his own opinions. He won't negotiate - it's his way or it's wrong. So, if I share my opinion on something and he disagrees, then his response will be that I'm wrong and no further discussion in needed. Even down to me telling him how I feel about a particular thing he's said or done. He'll just assume I feel a particular way and won't listen to me if I tell him otherwise. I used to react if he said or did something unkind, but he just made out that I was irrational and overreacting. He just won't listen to my perspective or respond to anything I say. He just reiterates his perspective, so talking to him is just frustrating. The only time he's accepted being at fault was with the colleague mentioned above, but otherwise he's never wrong. Over time, I suppose that I've just stopped trying to talk to him because it gets me nowhere.

    We've had some great times too. He does occasionally do nice things, like buy my favourite foods. There's part of me that would miss having him around, but that's more missing having somebody around than him as a person. I'm not 'in love' with him and I've known that for years. He may feel the same about me. We're not affectionate and we don't really talk if out daughter is not about. To be honest, I do like being inside a family unit, it feels safe, but I know that's not a reason to keep the relationship going. When do have nice family time, I wonder why I would give it up.
     
  12. Barbatus

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    Thanks for sharing that. I don't know how you felt writing that but reading it, it seems that your marriage is essentially over in an emotional sense. From what you say it also sounds like the only route to sorting things, talking and communicating, is not an option if he takes such a high handed approach to things.

    Alos, it is not the case that this is your one and only chance for a family. You may meet a woman and have a family with her. There are a number of people on EC who have had a family and formed a new family with a same-sex partner. Have you looked at some threads about that? (It might hep you think of the specific issues that arise - assuming that you plan on ending things which you may not be.)

    In my opinion (and it is just that) you would be better off getting out of the relationship with him and moving on. Obviously, there is your daughter to consider but given the high separation rate it's not something that should stop you. Again, just my view from the outside.
     
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  13. LostInDaydreams

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    @Barbatus Thank you for your input. I appreciate it. I agree with what you've said, but it's easier said than done. I have seen threads on it, I spend quite a bit of time in Later in Life. :slight_smile:
     
  14. Barbatus

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    @LostInDaydreams No problem. Hope you find my input helpful. I've never been in your situation but I don't think for a minute that it is easy. As asked mainly because I think having a clear goal can help you figure out how you are going to do things and help keep things (like your relationship) in perspective. However, it sounds like you are still figuring out what you want - please if that is off the mark - in which case may be it is a case of take your time?
     
  15. LostInDaydreams

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    @Barbatus It is helpful. We got together when I was 22 and I've never been with anyone else. I've got no point of comparison, so outside perspectives are helpful. I feel that my relationship is over. When I was writing my previous post, I was wondering how we were still together. I don't know why he's not said anything. I just not ready to say that I am intending to end it.
     
  16. Barbatus

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    That's cool. Say something when you are ready. My impression is you want to build up the confidence to take the next step? He may not realise and he seems quite distant anyway so maybe he wouldn't say anything anyway. As much as you find it difficult to speak him, he probably doesn't know how to speak to openly with people or how to discuss things without getting frustrated.
     
  17. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, I'm not sure I could handle it at the moment, so it is about building confidence. I have started relationship counselling on my own, which I hope will help. It's via email and I've not heard from the counsellor yet, so I'll see how it goes. Yes, you might be right, but it's always been him that's initiated serious relationship discussions in the past, so I'm almost waiting for it to happen.
     
  18. Barbatus

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    That's great. Hopefully the counselling online will help. Once you feel more confident you'll be able to make the right decision for you. You might find it a challenge to initiate a conversation with him and you may need to consider what you will do if he doesn't engage with you - but that is down the road. Hope you work things out.
     
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  19. Anthemic

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    LostInDaydreams, I would love to PM you, but you’re a regular member. :/ I need a bit of advice.
     
  20. LostInDaydreams

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    Sorry, I've only just seen this. Yeah, I didn't apply for full membership when the option was there. I'm happy to try to help, but you'll have to write on my wall.

    :slight_smile: