Partner is coming out

Hi Cat28,
Welcome to EC.
I’m on the other side of the situation in some ways, in that I’m the spouse of many years who came out (in my case, bisexual). What I find most helpful is hearing “I love you” and “I support you” messages back from my (straight) spouse.
It is hard on the straight spouse, I can tell. I appreciate my wife’s honesty when she can express that, although it hurts sometimes. There are a couple things she said at the beginning which she’s since softened, but please remember it is harder to take back an insult or negative statement than to save it for blowing off steam with your therapist.
You might want to look for PFLAG in your area, or get online to see their materials. That is a peer support group for family and friends of LGBTQ folks.
Definitly look into finding a counselor who is listed as open to LGBTQ issues. Not all areas have folks listed, so it might mean traveling, or looking into video-online sessions.

 

I am in the same position as your spouse AMAB questioning my gender and recently came out to my wife. We also have a you child to further clarify the similarities.

As the person in need of support affirming them in wherever they curecurre are in there identity and wherever they end up is important.

Also if you are planning on or desire to remain together being clear about that is greatly appreciated. The opposite is also true as well. If you are feeling like this new identity is will change things too much for you they deserve your honesty.

Another things that might seem counterintuitive is you being engaged with where they are in their identity, what they have gone through to reach this point , ect. Don't just unload all the questions you have at once, but maybe check in and find out how much they want to talk and if they are comfortable with you asking questions when they come up.

To be honest my wife was and is like, 'I love you, I support you, let's do whatever you need' but she doesn't really talk to me about my indenity in any way unless I bring it up. Dont get me wrong she always respects my pronouns and listens to me whenever I neednto talk, but I would welcome her asking more questions unprompted. It would make me feel less alone and more like we were going theothr this together.

 

I'm like @Litebrite and @DecentOne, being the non-straight partner in a hetero marriage. It's easier for me to suggest what not to do. I think the most important thing is to keep communication open, so it's really important to be careful about things that shut it down. Anger is understandable. If it has to be present, own it and don't project it; say, "I'm angry because my life feels in turmoil", instead of, "You ruined everything". Blame is also understandable, but it's destructive. Every couple has their unique circumstance, so try to understand even if you don't agree. Statements that start with "You should have" don't help. Top of the list: focus on being OK, and even with this shock remember that there are lots of good things in your life. Each day take a moment to be thankful for those good things. Communicate with other people; here on Empty Closets is a great start. If you can, take your communications into your face-to-face life. Counseling with a qualified therapist can be very helpful.

Don't try to do this on your own. There are lots and lots of people out there who have gone through similar situations, and they will have plenty of comments and suggestions for you, some helpful, others not so much.

Best wishes to you, dear. It's challenging, but you can do it!

Hugs-
=Sevn

 

Hey welcome to EC. It's great that you have joined and want to get support for yourself and your partner during this difficult time. I hope that EC can help you, it is a really great place.

 

I once asked my mom what was her #1 tip for having a good marriage. She said "Don't say everything you think."