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Partner acceptance of coming out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lavalamp, Jul 30, 2020.

  1. lavalamp

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    I’m a woman married to a man for 20 years (2 kids). Our marriage has suffered from poor communication and intimacy for years, and in the last year or so I’ve come to realize my interest in women is part of (not all of) the problem. I shared this with my husband, and have tried to get him to realize, through talking and therapy, that it can’t work going forward. He’s adamant that it can if we just “work on it” - he is strongly against disrupting our family life and living arrangements, and says this family is all he ever wanted (he is a quiet, passive person, and this is his comfort zone). I’m paralyzed with guilt, and we mostly just avoid talking about it now (esp since we are all home together in covid lockdown and cant get space). All advice I get is “just rip off the bandaid,” but clearly I haven’t been able to. Any advice?
     
  2. High Art

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    This is/was/is my story. I've been out now for a few years. I only sometimes check in with this forum now - as I found a support group and friends I can talk to in person (what a huge relief that was!).
     
    #2 High Art, Jul 30, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2020
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    You’re feeling guilty, and I can completely understand why, but you didn’t ask for this to happen. From what you’ve written, it sounds like there’s more to it than your sexuality and that he’s not willing to engage with you in working towards a solution or compromise that works for all of you. You’re compromising on what you want for his benefit, but you’re getting very little understanding in return.

    To me, it seems that you have to decide whether you want to live the life that you want to live, or the life that he wants you to live. Another twenty years from now, what will you regret more, leaving or staying?

    Leaving isn’t easy, I know. I found it really difficult, but it’s possible.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Jul 31, 2020
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  4. Fuzzy

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    I was in a similar position. If you're husband is like mine, nothing will change until you make it change. Going slow can help your husband with processing time so things aren't ugly when you split. If you"rip off the bandaid," things are more likely to be rough. Think about steps you can take to move you in the right direction, even if it doesn't get you to your goal. Baby steps can be a good thing.
     
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  5. Stephanie8

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    I am also there. We have 3 kids. I feel enormous guilt and don't want to traumatize my children with a messy divorce.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    A divorce doesn’t have to be messy or traumatising, if that’s road you decide to go down. Kind your children in the forefront of your minds, try to work together and I’m sure you can make it as easy as possible for your children. They are resilient - my daughter has adapted really well to my partner and I separating.

    Baby steps. Things will become clearer with time.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Aug 1, 2020
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
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  7. Stephanie8

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    Thank you for these encouraging words.
     
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  8. silverhalo

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    Hey I don't necessarily think ripping the band aid off is right for everyone. Sometimes people just need time, not because during the time the situation itself changes but sometimes we just need time to get ready. With lockdown and everything going on this doesn't have to be the moment, unless of course you want it to be.
    Perhaps you could try and talk to your partner about there being a way for you to still be there for him just not together the way you are now.
     
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