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Parents not caring about coming out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by FurryDaFox, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. FurryDaFox

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    Hi!

    So I came out to my parents as trans around 2 weeks ago as I identify as being somewhere between trans and bigender. My coming out note included things like, I would like to be called "Kelly" now, like to start transitioning in terms of wardrobe and I would like to use female pronouns.

    On the first day they seemed to understand and didn't openly denounce my trans-ness. However, they didn't seem too supportive either.

    The day after, I came home and my mum talked to me about how it was “just a phase”, it was all caused by “teenage hormones” and it would go away eventually. She also said that because she had talked to the mum of a trans girl that had been in the closet for 3 years, my closet time of 9 months for being trans wasn’t enough. To give some context, I had been in the closet for being bi for nearly 3 years and then came out as bi at the same time as I came out as trans. I was sick of being in the closet for essentially a total of 3 years, just for two different reasons.


    Since that day, my parents have not mentioned my coming out once. They haven’t even attempted to call me Kelly once, not even as some strange joke. They haven’t talked to me at all about transitioning or at least seeing someone to talk about all of this like a counselor. There’s just been nothing. It’s like I never came out. Like they’re hanging on to the life we had before I came out.


    Over the last few days, I’ve been really pissed off by this because it’s like I’m just back in the closet. Like I’m slowly slipping back into the closet, rather than being accepted by my parents and being supported in my transition. I just don’t feel like I can do anything. Should I confront my parents? Just begin transitioning in terms of clothes etc? Or should I just carry on pre-coming out until I can get away from my parents as to not cause issues?


    Any thoughts?


    Thanks!


    ~Kelly xxx
     
  2. DAFriend

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    I don't know your home situation but, it sounds like your parents are trying to make it just a phase, and they can't really handle thinking of you as trans.

    Understandable, they want the little boy they raised, not a new daughter. But you know them best so, you know what it will take to get them to see their daughter instead of their son.

    On the other hand, if you want to go genderqueer of bigender, then it might be easier to get them to just use your name, or the name you prefer instead of any pronouns. Sometime getting people to use "They" is the hardest.
     
  3. Nils

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    That really sucks. Because you took a big step in coming out to them and they pretty much ignored it. They probably didn't do it out of malice. More like it's a shock to them, or they don't know how to deal with it. Then again I don't know your parents.

    I think DAfriend already gave some good advice. Don't give up on transitioning and living your life as you, but take it slow, maybe.
     
  4. ABeautifulMind

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    I am going to say something I see on these forums a lot... There are 5 stages of grief: Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... You parents have only just found out that their little boy is gone, and they are probably currently grieving and in the denial stage... You have had your whole life to get used to who you are, your parents probably just need a little time as well... But dont give up, the fact they didnt react terribly is promising... I would just suggest you keep being yourself and give them some time..

    But if they make a mistake in pronoun or proper noun, just kindly correct them and try to stay patient..

    I hope things work out for you :slight_smile:
     
  5. hollabackboy

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    It actually took me "coming out" several times before my mom realized it was for real. Like ABeautifulMind said, she almost went through this grief process... after the denial, first she was angry at me, then she was sad. She even did the bargaining thing, where she tried to tell me how much easier it would be for me to be cis. But now... she's the most supportive mom I could have hoped for.

    The key is to bring it up, a lot. Don't expect them to bring it back up when they're trying to avoid it. Mention little things, like, "Wow, I really wish I had that dress." Expect a negative reaction every single time, prepare yourself for it. But you have to keep pushing. Be pushy. The longer you push, the more they will realize that you're not just gonna forget about it, that it's not just a phase. It's gonna take a while. It took me about a year and a half to stop having periodic arguments with my mom about whether or not I was "really trans".

    You're going to have a lot of arguments, a lot of disagreements, but you really gotta push through, because convincing your parents to be supportive-or at least somewhat accepting- is really worth it. Because when it comes down to it, only three things can happen here- your parents become accepting and you grow closer to them, they never accept you and you're in emotional pain every time you're around them, or you move out and cut them out of your life entirely.
     
  6. Barbatus

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    Hi Kelly,

    Don't know if you want to speak to them about it but if you do you need to make the point to them that the amount of time you spend in the closet is not a measure of how true your sense of self is. It is not the case that you have to spend a certain amount of time in the closet to prove that it is real.

    Maybe you could say something like 'do you really think I would have come out as trans if I didn't mean it' or 'I'm not trying to prove anything to you, I'm telling you that this is who I am'. Obviously you will have to use your judgement about what might work with them but you should try and make it clear to them that this isn't a phase.

    One thing you could try it is to look a PFLAG - I think that is the right acronym - or similar website that has stuff for the parents of trans people. You could print some material off and ask them to read it so that they understand better what you are going through in asserting yourself.

    It's a shame your parents are trying to pretend you aren't trans but just keep trying to be clear that you are who your are. Hope they listen and wishing you well.
     
  7. FurryDaFox

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    Okay! Thank you so much for the advice!
    So, I'm just doing to 'keep calm and carry on (transitioning)' and push on until they see that it's not 'just a phase' and that I really did mean it when I came out.

    Thank you!

    ~Kelly xxx
     
  8. JonSomebody

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    ABeautifulMind...I was thinking the same way as you on this matter and I do think that the parents are going to need some time to deal with it. Great response ABeautifulMind...!!!! :eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap:thumbsup::thumbsup:
     
  9. tgboymom

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    I'm the mom of a trans guy. I can tell you wholeheartedly that it does take time and those stages of grief ABeautifulMind spoke of are VERY real. My bargaining was with God though. It didn't work out. I was told by a professional that it was a phase and it would pass. It never passed.

    If you are experiencing gender dysphoria, why not send them an e-mail with links to articles about the subject? My kid left me on my own to find crap out and that just dragged things on and on. It was to the point where he was feeling very, very down and that's what got me super involved.

    Darlin', your parents are human. They are uninformed or misinformed and they might need a nudge from you. They will go through the grief and it won't be easy, but it's got to happen and it's their grief to go through.. it's a process.

    Dig up some stuff.. there is no shortage of information on the subject. E-mail it to mom and check in with her in a few days and see if she's had the change to review the material.

    Maybe that's a good place to start?

    Good luck.
    God be with you
     
  10. dublinz

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    Tgboymom sounds like some light has been shed. My mother basically ignored too but I just kept on keeping on.

    What do you want to do? You seem sure so it's not a matter of questioning. It's a matter of figuring out what path to take. Don't go back in the closet if you want to be out and took that step.

    Keep on keeping on. Walk the walk. Your mother took the time to talk to a trans parent. I gather that means she wants to be enlightened. Enlighten her by the steps you take. Just be true to you and I think they will catch on.