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Parents are not accepting and i'm afraid to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by turnjane04, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. turnjane04

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    I'm a lesbian and a teen. My mental health isn't the greatest as a result. Through snooping on my phone my mom saw I was talking to another girl she had a conversation with me about it but was adamant that I was just exploring something new and seeking attention. This is hard for me to hear since she has no idea that I know I am gay and have known for a while. My dad is annoyed that my style has changed and he also thinks I'm seeking attention. I have been thinking about coming out for months to try to put an end to all of this but I am scared since they haven't shown any support at all. Any advice?
     
  2. quebec

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    turnjane04.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! Coming out can be wonderful and terrible. Occasionally at the same time! The most important two factors in deciding when to come out are:
    *****1) Come out when YOU are ready. Don't let anyone push you into it if you are not at the place where coming out is right for you...not them.
    *****2) Don't come out if there is a real chance that you will be in danger. That includes being kicked out of your house, having no way to support yourself, having all privileges (phone, computer, friends, etc.) taken away, being verbally or emotionally abused as well as the danger of physical abuse. Waiting can be very difficult, but your safety and emotional well-being are more important.
    *****Being out in middle school/high school is easier now than it used to be...but depending on your school and your relationship with other students, it can be problematic. Try to evaluate these things and see what you seriously think about the results of coming out would be. Sometimes waiting...even when it is so difficult...is the only safe way to come out.
    *****Please don't get into a rush about coming out...you have plenty of time! You might want to consider using a letter WHEN the time comes to tell your parents. There are some great sample coming out letters here on empty closets that could be a big help to you. Even if you don't eventually use the letter, taking the time to think about it and to write one will help you be sure to say what you need to say and leave out the rest! An additional plus to a letter is that you don't have to be present when the letter is read. That can be a big help as it eliminates the potential face-to-face confrontation that can easily go bad. It gives the people reading the letter some time to think before they talk to you. After all, you've had years to think about your sexuality...giving them at least some time to think about it only seems fair as well as getting you out of a potentially difficult, emotion-based conversation! Check the letters out (see below)...they could be a real help!
    *****Also...when you do come out, whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now, your parents and friends will probably have questions. Take some time now to think about what those questions might be. Such as; "How do you know you're gay?" or "How long have you felt this way?" etc. The questions themselves will vary a great deal dependent upon your family and friends...so take that into consideration. If you work up a list of ten or so questions with the answers already planned, you will be perceived as a more mature, serious person.
    *****COMING OUT LETTERS: http://emptyclosets.com/home/pages/resources/coming-out-letters.php
    *****Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! Keep us updated on how things are going for you!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  3. QuietPeace

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    I would echo everything that quebec said. If you think that your parents would cause problems for you if they found out then you should keep it a secret until you are safely on your own (I waited to come out until after I had a job and place of my own, I was 23). If they are looking through your stuff you should probably explore ways to keep what you say from them. On a computer you can delete browser history and things like that so that they cannot see who you have been talking with, I don't know if you can do that sort of thing on a phone since I do not use my phone for more than calls or texting, perhaps someone else can discuss phone safety.
     
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  4. PatrickUK

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    In addition to the great advice you have already received, do check out this website (PFLAG Ontario, to match your stated location): https://pflagcanada.ca/pflag-chapters/ontario/

    PFLAG exists to support parents and family members of lesbian and gay people. It could be a useful resource for all of you.
     
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  5. BiGemini87

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    All of the above! PFlag is a wonderful resource for LGBTQ+ people, especially teens in situations like yours. You can delete browser history on your phone, but without knowing the make and model, I'm not sure how it might work on yours. I know with mine I just open the internet browser, click on the menu icon and go to "history". Some phones can be set up to auto-delete history after you're done, or to not save your history in the first place.

    If you can't do this, I'd recommend password-protecting your phone. It might be a privilege item, but privacy is your right.
     
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  6. Tuesdayok

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    Firstly you are incredibly courageous & 2020 sucks so, even dealing with our mental health during the Covid19 is tough. I can only comment on my experience & my teenage daughter recently letting me know about her sexuality. I think & just my personal opinion that I agree online safety is important but also that you as a teenager also have things that are private as well. Going through your phone is a bit crossing the boundaries but it can be a fine line there too. But respecting your privacy on certain things as long as you are safe online is I guess the tricky things for parents but still your mom needs to trust you a bit more.
    Being a single mom my daughter has recently spoken to me about her bisexuality. When she confided in me, all I thought was no matter what you feel or your sexuality, nothing changes as far as how much I love you, & regardless of that, as long as you are respectful, kind & responsible, to me it is not something for me to judge. I fully support her in every way, & was so proud of her courage to discuss with me such a profoundly personal issue. Having worked with gay people for many years, they are no different in terms of their needs & longing to be loved & accepted. I love my daughter, & will embrace every aspect of herwithunconditional love, support & encouragement. For teens to know they can have a safe place to be heard & their voices heard is very important. There are so many different labels, pronouns, identities that are referred to these days. It is so much about being who you are no matter what. Being your authentic self puts less pressure on yourself. Being accepting & supportive of my daughter to me as a mom is what matters. She is beautiful & embracing learning more about her bisexuality & now that she has confided in me is not alone. Its a hugemoment for a teen to acknowledge theirfeelings & be able to express themselves regarding the sexuality is a real relief. She said it feels like a load has been lifted off of her back. Be Out & Be Proud....:slight_smile:
     
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  7. Rin311

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    As said above... don't come out if it puts you at risk. You are dependent on your parents as far as housing/finances go. If you feel coming out might put you at risk (risk of abuse, getting kicked out, etc.), wait until you're on your own, as hard as it may be.
    Give them time to get used to the idea. Even the most supportive parents sometimes experience a child being LGBT as a kind of shock. It's probably much more of a shock for parents who are ambivalent or non-supportive. I would let them calm down and get over the initial shock, and then do it slowly and gently, in a letter or when you're all comfortable and open to talk. It might take time for them to come around. But if they do love you, they will. Take care.