Parenting Advice Needed

I'm sorry this is happening. You are being a great supportive parent coming here and looking for advice. I can't offer much, but I'm wondering if there is a PFLAG meeting in your area where you could connect and get real-life support too. Or maybe your ex could be convinced to go to a PFLAG meeting?

You'll find great support here too... as could your daughter if she wants to sign up.

 

I'll second PFLAG. My local chapter is pretty incredible and has been a great help in even the few meetings I've attended.
I'd say that the biggest thing that you can do is give her a place where she feels accepted and connected (which is 90 percent of parenting anyway....)

 

I have never been divorced but I also have a gay 16 year old child. If my husband couldn't/wouldn't (let's face it they all CAN) accept my son as he is, lovingly and wholly, I'd be divorced and I'd have full custody if it meant spending my last penny.

I cannot reiterate this enough. OUR CHILDREN ARE 5 TIMES MORE LIKELY TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE. The dogma of that church is trying to kill your child. is there any other person or group of people that would put your child in that level of danger and you would hand her off to them?

I'm sorry for the incredibly harsh tone but I'm a stone's throw from a gay mecca and I see firsthand how terribly broken young people are by dogma like this. They run away and then they're in a different peril.

No one should out your kid. That's just cruel but it happened and we can't time travel. Now that it happened you have to look at your daughter and love her and protect her. I know people love the idea of family but abuse comes in many forms and telling your daughter that loving someone is immoral is abusive. She's 16, she's old enough to decide how she'd like to spend her weekends.

And if I sound angry, it's because I am. What a terrible thing to do to a kid (not you - your ex's family).

 

Trust me, the impact of having to sit through "loved ones" telling you how horrible you are and that you should change who you are is excruciating. Please, please protect your kid from the rest of her family. Its abusive what they are planning on doing.

Let her know that you will back her up and be on her side. Let her know that its okay to not want to talk to them until they figure out how to accept it. Let her know its okay to take care of yourself and not have to endure abuse even by other family members.

I would also consult a lawyer, fast. As much as I hate to say it, there are cases where parents who are anti-lgbt will try to take away the child in order to "safe them" from the parent that is "making them gay". Just know you are in the right here, but please speak to a lawyer so you can be prepared in case any happens.

Is there any way that you can stay with them while he visits? If your daughter doesn't want to see him, don't let her be alone with them. As a young person who sat through some crazy adults trying to "lovingly" tell me that I should change, its one of the most traumatizing things ever.

 

Hi @mcr5639:

In my non-professional experience, the best possible predictor of resilience to negative influences in life is a parent or parent-figure who cares unconditionally. People who have this seem to internalize a sense of self-worth that helps carry them through the rough spots in life. It's absolutely awesome that you're in her corner.

Skills help too, though, and learning to set boundaries and detach from other people's behaviour can help a lot with the day-to-day stuff. You can search for info on these on the net. Groups like Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon teach these skills and provide support as well.

I also think that PFLAG is a great idea. Negative messages, like water dripping on stone, can wear away at people and it's good to have a support system of like-minded people on your side.

Hope something here is helpful to you.

 

Key words here, "They don't accept or approve of her being gay but they 'Love' her....
Man, that statement just shouts out 'We love you honey and that's why we'll be sending you to gay conversion therapy to sort you out dear,,,'

 

I'm so sorry that your daughter has been outed -- it is so traumatic.

 

First thing you need to make sure of is that she knows you love and support her. Losing family sucks, but it's better than them hating her and still trying to be a part of her life. My father's side of the family is the exact same way. My mother never forced me to have them be a part of my life and I am grateful for it. I have enough mental health problems without them trying to shove hate and religion down my throat. I am estranged from them now and I don't regret it. I think she needs you to remove them from the picture and then when she is an adult she can make the decision of whether she wants to associate with them or not.

 

This is me saying this as a complete non-professional, but I’d say don’t let your ex-husband’s family influence your daughter. She is who she wants to be and having people in her life wanting her to be someone she isn’t won’t help her. Once she has accepted herself for who she is, I’d recommend attempting to reintroduce his family to her in a more controlled “environment”. One where both parties understand that neither will change just because they want the other party to.
Remember to let your daughter have a say in what happens too. Offer what advice you believe is best, but it’s up to her for what she will do in the end.

 

I feel bad for the tough time you and your Daughter are having. Lots of good Ideas have been posted for support too.

One thing that I think bears mention is that since your Daughter is 16 years old if things get ugly in many states by the age of 16 if you do have to go court over custody often the Judge will listen to what the Child will have to say when they make a decision (in those cases the Judge will often meet privately with the child so that they can speak freely to help the Judge make a decision based on the needs of the child).

I don't know your full situation, but if you think things may get into legal issues if possible it may be wise to get your Daughter into some professional counseling help her deal with everything... Not only might it be beneficial personally to your Daughter, but in legal situations especially if things get ugly and it gets into "He Said - She Said" The fact that you have involved a professional to help your Daughter can carry substantial weight in court. I'm not trying to be negative but my fear's are that if your Ex and his family are that Homophobic and it does come to court they could get a "Drama" lawyer who will sling as much mud as possible to portray you as a bad parent etc (and outright lying and insinuating / misrepresentation are not beyond those type of attorneys). to get custody so they can "Fix" your Daughter.

I know I went through those legal scenario's half a dozen times with my Ex and it didn't take long to figure out that Right, Wrong and the Law are often three entirely different things.

 

I agree to just keep supporting your daughter and help her find a community of friends her age and likeminded people. I also would try to act as a "buffer" between her and your ex husband and his family. Also I think it is a great idea that she join on here if she wants to. We have other teens on here who would be happy to have her here.