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Paralyzing fear

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Farmgal, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    How do you get over the fear of leaving your spouse? My fear that I'm fucking up big time is almost crushing at times. I just have this fear that if I leave my husband and come out as gay I will never be with anyone ever again. While most people think I'm nice, not too many people actually like hanging out with me. My husband was my first real boyfriend. I'm forever the unpopular kid everywhere I go. You add that to the fact that I live in a town of 1,000 in a extremely homophobic state and it doesn't really give a whole lot of people to date. The only lesbian in my town is a 16 year old. I can't even tell my husband that he makes me mad by not helping me. How do I work up the courage for something this big. He is also very attractive and women just love him. He has never had an issue finding someone, even managed to find people while we were married. So the jealous side of me just can't stand the thought of him with another women. I think everything just hit me tonight on what is coming.
     
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  2. Searching1

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    I am so sorry, @Farmgal. What you wrote resonates with me so much because this is exactly how I felt for the last few months. It is all extremely intense. Try very hard to not over catastrophise everything at once. Try to be as present in the current moment that you can. Try and just breathe and feel. That paralyzing pain is just too much- I know it well.

    I think I'm over the hump and am approaching a more "at peace" state with everything (for now until I'm sure next steps are taken soon). It truly did take baby steps. Have you talked to your husband about what you are going through yet? I'm sorry if I read it somewhere, but I can't remember. Know that everything will be okay and try so hard to move forward little by little so you can adjust. Write out your thoughts, do things to take your mind off things, and be kind to yourself.
     
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  3. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    I haven't talked to him about it and probably won't until I'm ready to pull the plug. I mentioned once that I liked women and his reaction was this is great let's have a threesome. In my head I was thinking I don't want to share with you, lol. We took a vacation back in May and he told me this is the most in love he has ever been with me. The better things get for him, it seems like the worse they get for me.

    I have already gone through the money issues in my head. I'll be fine with my paycheck. I would have to give up my house and move to an apartment but I'm okay with that.

    My big worry is he is a politician and is very good friends with quite a few lawyers. I don't want a big court battle with lawyers. I fear his friends will advise him to screw me over.

    It is very comforting knowing others feel the same way.
     
  4. YeahpIdk

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    I'm not sure what to say, but the great Cheryl Strayed always comes to mind when people express a similar pain:


    "You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. I was married to a good man whom I both loved and wanted to leave. I still can’t entirely explain why I needed to leave my ex. I was tortured by this very question for years because I felt like such an ass for breaking his heart and I was so shattered I’d broken my own. I didn’t want to stay with my ex-husband, not at my core, even though whole swaths of me did. And if there’s one thing I believe more than I believe anything else, it’s that you can’t fake the core. The truth that lives there will eventually win out.

    I encourage you to do more than throw up your hands in your examination of “whose fault” it was that your twenty-year marriage fell apart. It was no one’s fault, darling, but it’s still all on you. It would behoove you to reflect upon what went right in that relationship and what went wrong; to contemplate how you might carry forth the former in your current and/or future relationships and quash the latter. The end of your relationship with him will likely also mark the end of an era of your life. In moving into this next era there are going to be things you lose and things you gain. He deserved the love of a woman who didn’t have the word go whispering like a deranged ghost in her ear. To leave him was a kindness of a sort, though it didn’t seem that way at the time. We live and have experiences and leave people we love and get left by them. People we thought would be with us forever aren’t and people we didn’t know would come into our lives do. Our work here is to keep faith with that."

    And the famous:

    “Go, even though you love him.
    Go, even though he is kind and faithful and dear to you.
    Go, even though he's your best friend and you're his.
    Go, even though you can't imagine your life without him.
    Go, even though he adores you and your leaving will devastate him.
    Go, even though your friends will be disappointed or surprised or pissed off or all three.
    Go, even though you once said you would stay.
    Go, even though you're afraid of being alone.
    Go, even though you're sure no one will ever love you as well as he does.
    Go, even though there is nowhere to go.
    Go, even though you don't know exactly why you can't stay.
    Go, because you want to.
    Because wanting to leave is enough.”
     
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  5. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    Those are really good quotes!
     
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  6. dreamingfreely

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    I wouldn't tell him you are gay but just want out of the marriage because you are not happy. That way he can't use it against you.
     
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  7. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    That's a huge fear of mine. I would hope he wouldn't use it against be but you never know.
     
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  8. azzi

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    Hi! I went through that phase too. After 3 years of dancing with the idea of leaving, I finally did it last month. I was holding on to all the reason I could think of to stay. I was scared, the fears that you have mentioned, i have those too. But then I kept telling myself it's better now than never. I do think it will really be for our best interest to split up. Otherwise I might end up being 60 and then decide to finally go with divorce.. I dont think I want to do that. I want still to have strength to enjoy and follow what my heart really wants. I'm scared to be alone and not find someone who will love me but then at least I gave myself a chance to be happy. There's no guarantee for tomorrow. It's sad if it doesnt turn out as what we hope will happen but we will just have to face it and be strong.
     
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  9. azzi

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    Keep your friendship with your husband. Try not to do anything that will make him go after you. At least until your divorce is final.. if you will be divorcing him. Also I agree not to tell him about you being gay or any 3rd party.
     
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  10. Peterpangirl

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    Sound advice. There are moments when the fear is overwhelming and suffocating. Don't allow that fear and pain to paralyse you. Move through it, accepting those emotions as they come up and letting them pass through you. One day at a time - even one hour at a time. Don't try to tackle everything at once, because it's overwhelming. Work on loving and appreciating and accepting yourself first and foremost. Breathe.
     
    #10 Peterpangirl, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
  11. leb10

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    Oh Farmgirl, I send you lots of hugs. It's going to be a difficult road that really is hour by hour at some points but you'll amaze yourself with your strength. I'm in the thick of a marriage I need to leave too and I understand that internal denial- that you can make your marriage work or suppress what you really want. I agree with the other ladies, if you're in that homophobic of a place, maybe delay coming out a little longer. Are their any therapists you've heard good things about that you can start seeing? Probably not likely they're LGBT trained but you'd at least have a supportive and confidential source to talk to and help get you through the next steps
     
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  12. Sonata

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    Dear @Farmgal. It is a tough situation that you are stuck in, like most of us in this forum, but as l have read a few happy-ending stories here, l hope some day l will read yours too.
    I think if you break down your fear into smaller parts, you can handle at least some parts of it. There are parts that you can have control on and there are parts that you don't, but you can probably mitigate. The jealousy part for example; It is really an infuriating feeling, but it is totally up to you how to deal with it, and l think with some effort you can free yourself from it. If you think that your husband can find a suitable partner after you, then it is a good thing in a sense that you don't need to feel guilty for leaving him.
    It sounds your being is overshadowed by your husband's charming character. Prior to thinking about leaving your marriage, you can work more on expanding your own independent personality which will be more visible and attractive.
    Also in a population of 1000 people, there must be at least 40 lesbians or bisexuals. They might be hiding it just like you.
     
    #12 Sonata, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2017
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  13. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    Thanks for the replies! I seem to be cycling between feeling this is the right thing to do and feeling excited, to my feelings in the first post. My old therapist who I saw a few years ago for my depression actually works with the LGBTQ community. So I've been thinking of going back to her. You guys are awesome by the way!
     
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  14. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    I told my best friend I was leaving my husband in 6 months. She was dancing in the halls at work due to happiness. She was raised very conservative, so I'm not coming out to her for a long time. It's nice a friend knows a least a bit of what I'm doing.
     
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  15. OED27x

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    @Farmgal i understand you. I was absolutely terrified to leave my marriage. I came from a broken home and having a marriage and two parents for my kids was a huge goal. And a huge goal of my husband. He also came from a broken home. I felt like a complete fuck up. Spent MONTHS on the floor crying and drinking too much. He would scream in my face, 'you're a fucking lesbian!' 'You're ruining my life' 'you're ruining the kids lives!' You name it, he spewed it. It was a living hell. But guess what, on the other side is peace. It wasn't going to get better. Repressing myself was killing my soul. I Wish to god I could have made it work but sometimes love isn't enough. My kids are very happy too! They aren't ruined. And also, ivwant to be a model in my kids for confidence and health, not cowardice and lack of self esteem. And my husband deserves to be with someone that accepts him. We had come to an end on many levels and separation was the right path for us.
    But my point is, it's hard, but you won't be ruined and neither will anyone else.
     
  16. Searching1

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    Wow thank you for sharing your story, @OED27x. It gives me more confidence and hope with the direction I am heading. I have the advantage of my husband trying to be understanding, and despite the hurt he has been respectful. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you dealing with his anger and harsh words on top of everything. It was incredibly strong if you to continue following yourself despite all of the mess. It really is crazy.. just running on that soul feeling that this is who I am despite so many external messages. It is so incredibly difficult but I have to have faith that peace and feeling whole will eventually come.

    @Farmgal yes those up and down feelings from excitement to utter fear is something I still go through. It's a crazy process. I highly recommend seeing your old therapist! It would be so nice for you to have someone to talk to who really understands.
     
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  17. NeonSocks

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    I can only offer advice on a few parts here, but I still hope it helps.

    My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We aren't married and do not have kids or pets. The only thing that could potentially get messy is selling our house, which we jointly own, and dividing the piles of books we have collected over the years.

    He is a good man and my best friend, but there are times when that isn't enough. Something in me feels broken, but the comfort level I have built over the years prevents me from acting on that. Trying to make my head and heart agree is a tiring feat that leaves me numb to the rest of the world.

    I can't say I know what you are going through, because your experience is your own and is different from mine. But, I can tell you that it does get better. There are days when I can't believe how far I have come in such a short amount of time.

    I do agree, seeing a therapist is a big help and so is reaching out on this forum. Don't be afraid to ask for help on the days when it hurts and feels overwhelming and definitely don't be afraid to share the moments it feels good.
     
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  18. Farmgal

    Farmgal Guest

    Well he just added a whole lot of fucking stress on me after our phone conversation. (He is on a work trip) So he in the House of Representatives in my state. He is very good at it and very charismatic. He also has a knack for talking people into his point of view, which I myself hate. So there are a bunch of big name people in the state who want him to either run for Governor or Secretary of State. There have been a bunch of polls that has him name up there to being close to winning. The problem is that he wants to run but I don't want him to. I really like my job at the hospital. I get to work as a RN during the week with no nights, holidays or weekends. That never happens as a nurse. When my kids are sick I get to work from home, when they have school stuff I get to take it off. I'm not going to find that anywhere else. So him running depends on my answer. He was on the phone talking about how I'm his rock and the best thing in his life and he is good with whatever decision I make. So now I feel like shit for even thinking about leaving. The benefit of me staying until he is in office is that it would get me to a big city and one that is only 90 minutes from Denver. This would make dating so much easier than right now where I am 3-5 hours away from any bigger city. The downside to waiting until after elections next year, is my separation would be state wide news. As long as he is in office it will get fucking brought up. My state is not the most welcoming to the LGBT community. A good chunk of the state believes Matthew Shepard was killed in a drug deal. FML right now. I'm really glad I found you guys though.
     
  19. azzi

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    Hmmm...wow.. I just want to remind you that you posted your pic here though... is that ok???
     
  20. mattblack

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    I just have something simple to add: are you really loving hm and yourself by staying when you want to go? By finding other people, you both get to experience relationships where both parties live each other equally. Denying him that is as bad as denying yourself that, and while it's horrible breaking up with someone, you're doing the best for both of you in the long term.