When I try and socialise, all I'm doing the whole time is avoiding anything that might make them not like me - so I'm extremely self-deprecating, pretend I like things that they like, act clueless etc. and then later when I'm alone, I wonder all over again why I keep behaving like that. I tell myself I'm going to change, but then I quickly remember the fifty things going around my head that make me feel ashamed, disgusting and undeserving on a regular basis. So I isolate myself in my room. At the start of university, I tried to socialising. I talked to more people than usual, but I was still really submissive and didn't really make enough of an impression to come across as my own individual. I made less and less effort and just gave up altogether (also because my degree has loads of coursework, so I spend a lot of time worrying and using my corpse of a brain to produce very mediocre essays.) So has anyone ever been one of these people before *and* overcome it? I realise answers to these kinds of questions usually suggest therapy, but the kinds of things I berate myself over are things I can't vent out loud to someone. Despite the fact that I vent a lot of things on forums, there are things I've never mentioned online because they're just too humiliating and crazy.
This comes from a place of low self-esteem, driven by deep shame. Most likely, you somehow got the message growing up that your needs don't matter, and that in order to get paid attention to, you have to please others. So it's basically a well-learned behavior at this point. One of the first steps is learning about how shame affects you. I suggest taking an hour and watching Brené Brown's TED talks; the first one is one of the 5 most viewed TED talks of all time, and her work is pretty life-changing for many. If the work resonates with you, then, I'd suggest reading "The Gifts of Imperfection". It would also be super helpful to get into therapy, if that's an option, to explore what is going on and learn strategies for addressing it in the longer term. Here they are in the best viewing order. Once you've watched these, if they connect for you, perhaps that will bring up some questions and/or further discussion here.
Hi there! I'd definitely second Chip's suggestions. Watching Brene Brown's videos could indeed give you some insights and different ways of approaching things/thinking about things. If you can, try reaching out to a counsellor; maybe try accessing the support services at the university. When you speak with a counsellor, every thing you say is between you and her/him, it remains between the four walls. Plus a good counsellor will help you to open up slowly to explore the deeper issues that are going on for you and suggest ways that will allow you to work on things.