(embarassing content ahead) Sometimes I pack when I'm alone in bed at night. It's embarassing to admit it, but I use... nose tissues. One rolled in the shape of a penis, and one torn in two and rolled in the shape of two testicles. I used to feel very gender euphoric in that. I did it for the physical sensation, nobody knew. The mind treated those tissue pieces as an extension of the body, and not only it felt right... it felt "normal". The brain screamed: "Oh, that is no normal! Wow" (after living 25 years afab hahah) I especially liked the sensation of a resting, not aroused penis, and of the two testicles. It's somewhat uncomfortable to feel things between two legs in some occasions maybe – ex when riding a bicycle, when sitting on something with one leg on one side, the other leg on the other side – but I specifically loved the "this thing that gets in the way". The uncomfortable, ugly, ridiculous side of having a penis and two balls. Weird, huh? But now I don't feel the same euphoria anymore. The mind doesn't manage to treat the material as an extension of the body. It just screams: nose tissue, nose tissue, rolls of nose tissue. I miss feeling complete, normal, ugly and filled with subtle sexual energy while packing. I don't know how to recreate the sensation. I don't know why I stopped feeling those things. Maybe because it's been months since I don't have sex and watch male genitals in real life or porn? And I forgot how having those genitals is supposed to feel and look like. I fear to buy something more technological and costly – like a real, professional packer on internet xD – and find out that it still doesn't work and I've spent that money for nothing (and also the downside of having to literally hide my penis – literally in the closet – from my female roommate xD) The ugly news is that – for some weird reason – I'm feeling very self conscious lately when tight trousers brush again my genitals. When I'm alone and in public. It's embarassing and, well, I'm busy doing something and between the leg that anatomical part has a nagging voice: "hello hello you have a vagina, a very flat vagina". Ugh. And when I pack it's like: "hello hello you have a very flat vagina with a nose tissue on it." Ugh. Advice?
Many trans men/ trans masculine people do or have used socks to pack. I don't think I ever did it correctly when I could do this, but here are a lot of tutorials of how to properly on youtube and tips all over google.
Yeah, I used to use socks, I stuffed a few in a skin coloured one and shaped with an elastic band. (I also pack in my room when it's just me).
I don't think that what you described is embarassing at all. I think it's to be admired when somebody explores and learns and experiences, especially when you didn't grow up in a society that teaches that to be of value. Of course I'm no expert on these subjects, so anything and everything I say could be wrong and is just my subjective opinion. Still, I think it's normal when how we experience something changes with time. We change, and our expectations and life experiences change and so much more, and just as well, as we repeat a certain experience, our brain changes how it deals with said experience. And that's not a bad thing either. In my personal experience, there were gender-related experiences that I once considered quite sexual. Then over time that feeling evolved or changed or transfigured (English is not my native language) slowly into something different. That sexual excitement was over time replaced by a feeling of coming home, of self-expression, of confirming a part of my being and character and telling it "you are there, I accept you, and you are welcome". And as this changed I also learned more about myself, and so it wasn't like as if that excitement I had experienced earlier was gone. I just found it elsewhere. I didn't lose something, I gained knowledge. We humans are not static beings, we change with every passing second. Now I don't know exactly what your situation is like in life, but I think at some point it might be of great value to you to overcome those worries and acquire a professional packer. Regardless of what you will experience, your understanding of yourself will deepen, and thus your chances to find happiness and what else you long for will increase.
