overwehlmed by gender

Is anyone else just to the point of teers overwhelmed by being trans sometimes? I've been feeling way better about it lately but my hair thined a little before I started hormones in August and though I try to avoid them, I looked in a mirror on campus today and could see that my hair had thinned some and I immediatly felt like I had to be alone. I'm normally really resilient even though I have a ton of stuff on my plate but the trans issues are just the straw that break the camels back sometimes.

I'll get really down on myself and think that no one will ever like me, or want to hire me when I transition. Just generally think that I'm a giant screw up and wish my family was accepting of me. I've cried in bathroom stalls once or twice this semester and right now I've skipped my last class for today and I'm just trying to cry as silently as possible in my own room so my two out of three homophobic roommates don't hear me and I know I feel like such shit that I will prolly not go to the campus LGBT meeting tonight.

I'm dyslexic and been working my ass off to keep all A's and I don't wanna lose that right at the end cuz I'm skipping classes out of depression. I work in a rehab treatment center on the days I'm not in school, I deal with really stressful stuff all the time, but my gender dysphoria just stops me in my tracks sometimes.

Like I wanted to come out to a really good professor I have tomorrow but now I don't know if I have the strength and I just don't know how to make myself feel better about things at the moment.

 

"Other girls say it gets better though" My therapist is gonna have me meet a fully transitioned person soon and I'm so nervously excited about it. I hope she's not depressed about her life. I'm hoping she says she is so much happier for having transitioned.

It's just that at least in the early stages (as many of you know) being in transition or preparing for it just sucks. I've been accepting myself as female more and more, so being viewed as a man or dressing like one or behaving like one is getting more and more stressful

 

Thanks for all the responses everyone, the advice is appreciated and while it sucks that other people are having hard time too it's good to know I'm not alone.

Also I'm feeling a little better. My non homophobic roommate was in my room, I forgot to hide my estradiol after I last took it, he saw it and was really confused and asked about it and I told him the truth. He had tons of questions but he's actually cool with it and has been hanging out in my room playing Skyrim. I don't know what I would do without EC and good people like him.

 

He knew it was an estrogen. He said "What is this an estrogen? what's it for, I mean like why are you taking it?" I was still pretty down and just wanted to tell someone so instead of makeing something up I just told him. If he really wanted to know he could have found it out on the internet and I didn't want to have to stress about him finding out on his own.

 

I think he was thinking of it as birth control haha. Like the first question after I said I was trans was, "so do you have a vagina?"

 

Starting hrt would be hard to synchronize. Even after I was referred to a gender therapist after I told my other therapist, it took like a month and a half to even switch to the gender therapist. Then I had the standard 3 months that I had to do of therapy.(that could have taken longer it's just an individualized thing) Then the soonest time I could even meet with the endocrinologist who is a couple hours drive away was a month latter.

And sometimes people need time to actually take the prescription to a pharmacy or take their first doses of whatever their taking since It's a huge step to take and it can be kind of daunting to think about all the possible good and bad changes that may come.