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Out to myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Survivor80, Jan 7, 2021.

  1. Survivor80

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    I am a 40 year old male and finally out to myself.
    I am NOT 100% straight.

    Exactly what I am (except being myself), I'm not really sure, but I believe I am more complex than the stereotype straight-guy.

    I've been living on and off with this feeling of being a bit different since I was 17 years old, when I got my first girlfriend.
    I was terrified of being different in my youth so I developed some internalized homophobia and HOCD.

    Between relationships it's been mostly about getting pussy, but when being in relationship for a while I develop this impostor(?) feeling of not being true to myself. I am currently in a 6-year marriage and have occasionally some light mental issues, especially in long summer-vacations and christmas time.

    Although I enjoy having sex and being intimate with women and have been jerking off to straight porn for 25 years, I have been struggling with identifying myself as the "normal" guy in the football locker-room. I am a bit feminime and I was usually being picked on a bit for that, and that was really hurting experience for me. I did not want to be that guy.

    I've never had a crush on guys, but I've admired some guys of their looks and masculinity, I don't get like a boner of watching guys and gay porn, it doesn't work that way. In fact, gay porn turns me really off. Tested it enough times to be sure.
    I had an experience in my early 20s when a trusted friend (which was in the closet) made a move on me after a night out, he went down on me and I really did not like it and turned away.

    But still I believe I am different than the 100% straight guy, and I haven't really spoken publicly about this. I feel very, very vulnerable when thinking these thoughts. In unhappy times I get OCD and a couple of times I've received medication.

    So I guess I just to want to say hi to the community, for being a little curious :slight_smile:

    What's my intention of joining here?

    I would like to have inner peace. And I'm pretty sure that my thoughts and worries about my sexual orientation is causing disturbances and I need to confront it more than I have done before.

    So, Hello everyone :grin:
     
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  2. Lemony

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    Welcome to EC!
    :grinning::hearts:
     
  3. Survivor80

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    thanks a lot Lemony! It actually felt quite good to write this post.

    Actually I was a bit afraid of negative feedback, like if I wasn't too LGBT enough.
     
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  4. quebec

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    Survivior80.....Hello and a great big welcome to Empty Closets! It's not unusual for someone to have doubts or concerns about their sexuality. So many of us get forced into a "mold" by our heteronormative society way before we are ever able to figure out how we feel on our own. I don't think that there are very many people who are 100% straight or 100% gay (my opinion)! :old_smile: There's nothing wrong with taking some time to work things out! Check out the subforums here on EC and see if any of them will help you as you think about this! We're glad that you have found us!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. Poofter

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    @Survivor80 Hey! Welcome to EC! I don’t think anyone here will judge you. Self exploration is encouraged.

    Remind yourself frequently that it’s ok to be you, for you, how you define it. Because sometimes we can lose sight of that and start trying to stuff ourselves into that box that others want us to fit in. I went back into the closet once because I lost sight of that. But now I’m out and happy living my best life. I’ll tell ya over a beer sometime, if interested. (Yeah maybe, just in a thread on here but still)

    hope you find that peace your looking for!
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. Its very accepting here, there is no required level of LGBT to join or post. We all do LGBT in our own way and that's cool. We have or certainly have in the past had straight people on here too which is also cool.
    Its great that you have been able to come out to yourself, such a great step and often one of the hardest. Hopefully this will be the start of clarity and happiness for you whatever path that takes.
     
    out2019 likes this.
  7. pasinhose

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    Survivor, I can tell you that your thoughts and feelings are not unusual and its something I went through as well. But you have made a brave step and in fact what you have done is shown that you like and respect yourself. That is the most important thing. There is no time limit on how you evolve in terms of your sexuality. Never force it but also embrace it.
     
  8. Survivor80

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    I'm really interested to hearing your story. Right now I'm actually very depressed and confused. Mostly because of me being afraid of talking to my wife. And I'm also VERY anxious of not liking girls anymore.
     
  9. Survivor80

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    I see that you identify as a gay person and the fact that you went through the same as me scares me. I don't want to be gay
     
  10. quebec

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    Survivor80.....Hi - and hello again! I can understand the thought/emotion of "I don't want to be gay". The problem is that whatever sexuality we are is what we are...it doesn't change. I tried for many years to ignore my sexuality (a very long story) and the result was depression, guilt, and self-hate that nearly destroyed me. It's not something that will result in a good life. If you are straight then please, don't ever try to be gay. If you are truly gay then please, don't try to be straight...it just won't work and your life will get worse. Right now I think you need to give yourself time. If you are still confused, and you sound like you are, then let it go for a while. Come back to it later. The time will come when you will know the answer.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #10 quebec, Jan 25, 2021
    Last edited: Jan 25, 2021
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  11. NotTooLoud

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    Straight to Gay is a spectrum; you don't have to be one or the other. It's okay to fall somewhere in the middle, and actually most people do (even though those living a straight life won't admit it, especially the men!). If we had, as a society, developed with this knowledge, it would have been so much easier for everyone, really. But the God fearing folks in our past burned "witches", too, and sometimes killed homos. But the world has changed, and I, for one, am so grateful, because now I have a chance of happiness with the most wonderful man I have ever known. I am 55 years old, lived through a tortuous marriage and a religion that defiled me, and I am now the happiest I have been in my entire life.