1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Out to Dad, should i be casually out at work?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by LunarLyric, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. LunarLyric

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    I made a tread detailing his reaction but long story short, he's totally fine with it. But i've always wanted to be out at work and i only refused to be out at work because dad didn't know yet and it would be unfair. So now that he knows, i'm debating if i should be out at work and if so, how.

    So, for the background info. I feel the most comfortable at work. I work at Walmart and i've worked there for 4 years. Most of the cashiers are either old/middle aged people or kids in highschool or college, as are the supervisors. I highly suspect a supervisor is gay and out not so much for his personality but because i've heard him talk about guys twice. I just don't have the guts to ask him cause i literally don't talk to anybody at work. But that's cause i'm scared of rejection and socially awkward and i don't wanna lose what is pretty much my safe space. I can react however i feel like reacting to people without fear of my mother coming down on me for it. I'm not friends with anyone but i'm casual acquaintances with some of them.

    I ask this b/c i'm gonna buy two pride necklaces and i would like to wear one at work, the pendant. It has pride colors on it and is labelled as a lgbt pride necklace but i feel like my mom might fall for it if i simply told her i thought it was a cute/pretty necklace. I mean if she found out i had a pride necklace, i'm not gonna be stupid enough to wear it in front of her on the daily. This is not so much to provoke questions but like...cause i want to be able to not hide in at least one way at the one place i feel comfortable in, one, and two because i know at least with me if i see someone wearing pride merch whether they're gay or an ally i just feel more comfortable around them seeing that. Like if some people asked my orientation i'd be okay with answering them. But i can also hide it under my shirt if need be because there are friends of my mom's who shop there and tell her oh hey i saw your daughter getting groceries the other day. So...opinions? Sorry this was so long.

    So like...is this a safe enough idea? I can just deny up and down that i have a colorful pendant necklace and say i thought it looked pretty, not that i bought it for pride. Cause only one of them says pride on it. This isn't about telling my coworkers so much as having a place where i don't have to default to hiding.
     
    #1 LunarLyric, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  2. Quantumreality

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2016
    Messages:
    4,417
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey LunarLyric,

    I know how badly you've just wanted to be casually Out at work for quite a while now. I think it could be a very good thing to help boost your self-confidence and your self-acceptance.

    The only thing I would ask you to consider is the possibility that word could get back to your mother or brother. Granted, you could explain away the Pride jewelry, but if someone at work asks you, do you intend to openly Come Out to them? And, if word gets around the store, is there any chance of it getting back to your mother or brother?

    Just a thoughts.
     
  3. LunarLyric

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    That's the thing, i honestly don't know. My brother is out and about and he works in a different city so he rarely shops there. My mom usually does pickup and avoids going inside unless she has to. But yes there is a big risk in even simply telling a random customer i'm gay if they ask. TBH I'd prefer an evasive response but if i go that route why even wear a necklace at all, ya know? If you're not gonna own it. But at the same time i think, thinking seriously about it, that the anxiety of whether or not a customer asking knows my mom or would tell her would be too much anyways. So i'd have to make up an evasive response of sorts anyways, i guess. There's only a select few supervisors who have been nothing but nice to me that i'd be okay with telling if they asked. Namely the guy who talked about another guy twice who has been nothing but kind and compassionate to me and the old veteran woman who has referenced living with a partner more than once who has also been nothing but kind and compassionate to me. And that's only if they ask. The young employees idk. Most of the new kids are probably seasonal anyways and there's no guarantee it won't get spread. I'd prefer to treat them on a need to know basis and even then only if they're trustworthy.

    Ugh Quantum what do you think? Am i being too stubborn and risky? Or is limiting it to a trusted and/or need to know basis and asking you all to help me come up w/ an evasive but not rude reply to the question a good idea? The guy and the old veteran woman are both supervisors of mine, and they've both gone out of their way to show their concern a time or two.
     
  4. Quantumreality

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2016
    Messages:
    4,417
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think that states things pretty clearly. If you're going to wear a Pride necklace at work, what is the point if you are hesitant to own it?

    I think it would overall be a huge, positive step forward for you to be Out at work. Doing it casually is just fine, but you have to assume that it's going to lead to explicitly Coming Out to at least a couple of co-workers at some point, don't you?

    Here's a thought. Why not get your Dad's opinion? Especially in reference to any concerns that being Out at work could possibly lead to you being Outed to your mother.
     
    #4 Quantumreality, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  5. LunarLyric

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    Yeah I see your point. I also wonder if despite my eagerness, i'm not fully ready for it if i can't even come up with how to word things to prying customers. I think for now i'll work on just being out to my dad. Get used to it, feel out just how much he's okay with it, get his opinion on shit. I'll wear it at work and around him but i think for now i'll just wear it as an ally. Cause i'm pissed about all the Anti-LGBT stuff Texas is doing anyways, so i'm not opposed to making a statement about that. It'd be an easy conversation redirect at any rate.

    Plus it would give me a chance to feel everything out - how customers react, how coworkers and supervisors react, if word gets back to mom, and how easy it would be to lie to her. Cause i've always at the very least supported the LGBT community even if i never really understood how big it was till i joined this site. I mean if those two supervisors ask and i'm alone i'll tell them but that's it. I can't be out for real until i'm financially independent and right now i'm not. The more i edit this with ideas the more i like it, but what do you think? Mom's always known i don't really agree with her on her views w/ gay rights - i just usually am not vocal about it cause she is arguementative.
     
    #5 LunarLyric, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  6. Quantumreality

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2016
    Messages:
    4,417
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That sounds like a completely reasonable plan, LunarLyric.Don't feel that you have to rush anything, but try to ease into it at your own level of comfort.

    Heck if/when you're finally ready to Come Out to your mother, but don't know how to approach her, maybe you could start by just being more openly Out at work and seeing if word gets back to her at some point. That would almost be the best of both worlds, wouldn't it? Being comfortably Out at work and not being concerned if your mother happened to find out?
     
  7. LunarLyric

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    Thanks. :slight_smile: My mom's loud and pushy and emotionally abusive tho so i will wait to do that. Just being out as an ally if she finds out will provoke an arguement and weeks on end of her trying to convert me to Christianity and go to church w/ her and sister. She doesn't bother me now cause i lied to her and she thinks i'm saved and believe and am a Christian. So if it got a step further and i was outed to her, that would result in me being kicked out cause dad's not gonna divorce her anytime soon even if he hates her.

    Sooo pretty much i need to wait until i get my bachelors and see if at that point i could support myself before i am truly safe outting myself to her, no matter how much i'd love to do it before then. Who knows i might be ready to long before then who knows. Idk. I mean it would be great if i could support myself while getting my bachelors but that'd be risky and based purely on if an added on full time summer job would support me. I'm working on getting the licensing right now - studying for it - and then i'll apply to colleges. At that point i'll have an entry level job, but it won't be adequate to support me around here. Especially since i'll be going for my bachelors while having said entry level job. I mean i like dad and he's really supportive and he's not as much of a pushover as i am but he's still very non confrontational. He makes a good manager b/c he's professional and a good mediator. Mom's the argumentative confrontational one. Dad has more weight than she does tho cause despite her making money she still makes dad pay all the bills. I don't think she even puts money into college funds for my siblings, it all just goes into savings cause she's paranoid he'll leave her.
     
    #7 LunarLyric, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  8. Quantumreality

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2016
    Messages:
    4,417
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you talked to your Dad yet about your fears about Coming Out to your mother?

    Anyway, I wish you all the best!:slight_smile:
     
  9. LunarLyric

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2017
    Messages:
    473
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Texas
    Not in person no. I texted him telling him to not tell my mom cause she'd kick me out and he was all like yeah i know you know i won't, in short. So he's aware how she'd react and agrees with me. I've come to terms with the idea that she simply isn't capable of being the mother i needed her to be my whole life, and she's proved time and time again that she certainly doesn't love me unconditionally. She's about kicked me out over less before.
     
  10. Quantumreality

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2016
    Messages:
    4,417
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Detroit, MI
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That really sucks.:frowning2: