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out of the closet and stuck on the bedroom

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JACT, Dec 5, 2016.

  1. JACT

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    About two years ago I told my wife, a year after I told 3 other people, now no one seems to care but me.

    the others were supportive at the time and promised support, since then none seems to want to talk about it, like it was just a dream or it didn't happened.

    My wife well she has had more concerns questions and doubts, she seems not to be quite convenced and when I want to talk seriously abut it she always backs out of it, like she is afraid to hear it, to really believe it.
    I sense this is going to be hard.

    Has any one been in a similar situation?
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Hi JACT,

    I came out to my wife and two kids this summer. On December 1st I separated from my wife. Not that anyone has to go from coming out to separation in my timeframe, but after two years, how long are you planning on staying in your marriage?

    I'm not making a judgement on you, but perhaps your wife doesn't seem convinced because it isn't real for her yet. I told my wife that I wanted to divorce at the time of my coming out, so there was never any doubt about how real this was for her.

    Have you made decisions on your future?
     
  3. hexamum

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    It's easy to stagnate on this journey. When it gets comfy and settles a little, we enjoy the respite a little too much. Then it's time to gather up and stomp on with it.

    If others see us in that comfy place, it's also easy to have them put it to the back burner too. Especially if rocking the boat means that they are thrown out of their comfort-zone!

    If we were at the end of the journey, then is the time to sit back and enjoy the ride.....but for now....get your armour on, and get on with it.

    That's my pep talk to myself anyway, most days....take from this as you will.
    *Hugs*
     
  4. JACT

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    Thank you for your comments, I agree with both of you and know that the only way to get past this issue is by making a move, doing what needs doing to get where I need to be, difficult it will be no doubt, just that at my age it seems like a hard thing, I fear rejection and loneliness, but it doesn't seem that there is any other way, be who I really am or keep being who the family wants me to be.....
     
  5. justaguyinsf

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    I'm not sure you should make a change just for the sake of change, as there can be serious consequences to breaking up a marriage. Is marriage and family life working? If not, what direction would you like to move in?
     
  6. JACT

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    Marriage and family life has been good for 20 years, Ever since I suspected I was different, i set out to prove people wrong, Growing up I was often called most of the gay slurs and I figured That where I was growing up it would be real hard to survive so i setup to became a man, I worked on the image so hard, into sports, all kinds of hard work and as manly as I could be, that is the image everyone has of me, a model husband, father and all that.
    That is what they say, is what they think. I feel like a big fake, a failed Human being.

    My wife has been clear with me, our marriage will last as long as I stay quite, as long as wee keep it inside, my mother has said that she would have not been able to tolerate a gay son, my kids I don/t know, I wont even go there too many people would be hurt by my choice, the more i think about it the more i'm convinced that it is not worth the pain I would cause, so I guess i will keep it in the rest of my life however long that is.
     
  7. justaguyinsf

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    I would recommend you weigh the pros and cons of whether to stay or leave in concrete terms. For example, if you leave you won't have the companionship of your wife and you probably won't see your kids as much. And if you leave you are right that there is no guarantee that you will find a partner. On the other hand, you'll have greater freedom and you'll be able to explore other possibilities if you leave. And if you feel strongly that you can't be your real self without leaving then you'll have the feeling of greater integrity if you leave (I'm not a big believer in the whole "real self" idea, as I think you're being real even when you're in the closet. But others feel very strongly about it and I respect that.) So maybe just start weighing these things in your mind, maybe in writing, and probably keep it to yourself unless your wife or family express some interest in talking with you about it. I think you have to cut your wife some slack in not wanting to talk to you about it--look for other sources. And don't put yourself down. It took guts to tell you wife and family even if you decide to stay, and you sound above average in self-insight in and commitment ... all great traits. You know there are out gay men who know they are gay and still get married to women who know in advance they are marrying a gay guy. There are many options in life.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    Are you happy living a lie and not being true to yourself? How will you feel on your death bed if you continue down this path?

    I asked myself these same questions and decided to come out and separate so that I could live an authentic life. I'm so much happier and content today than I was living a faux heterosexual life. You too can have this.

    The challenge ahead of you is that you need to champion your own destiny and embrace the quote "If it's to be, it's up to me." I get the sense you are waiting for others to give you permission when in reality it's up to you to make these changes.
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Dec 8, 2016
    Last edited: Dec 8, 2016
  9. JACT

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    I really appreciate all your comments, they are helpful, different perspectives and Ideas, it all helps.

    I t will be challenging, it seems that for the Gay part of me, I have to find new people, friends that can support me, I don't think Family members will want to go with me on that side of life, I will be on my own.

    on the other side, the Husband, Father, that persona that everyone knows, I hope I can keep him going firm and strong , that is what everyone needs and wants and expects.

    I wont resent anyone, not my wife, after all I was the one that proposed marriage and made the promises at the Altair, it is not her fault at all and I'm grateful she wants me to stay and shows that she loves me, I love her too, for real.

    For the younger guys, hope you don't have to make choices Like I have to, Don't think that marring a woman and having children will make the Gay go away, I don't think it works, I don't regret having a wife and kids, I love them so much that I will stay in the background to protect them, if I can contribute to their happiness in any way then that will enough consolation for me.

    I will search for a good friend to have some outlet for my concerns I will update you all when I find someone, all I need is a good friend to talk, for now...

    Thanks to all again, I really appreciate you all.
     
  10. Runningmanvb5k

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    JACT - there have been several times I have tried to tell my wife and I senses she knows but she retreats and begs for it to all be okay and for us to work it out. I stop short of saying the words and she even said "do you want something I can't give" "something else" but to try to finish the discussion and what I feel is putting my wants ahead of hers is hard for me to do and wrong in that I put myself where I am with 20+ years of marriage. I appreciate your posts as I can relate to the struggle - albeit you are farther along than me!
     
  11. Confused54

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    I don't think I could have gone a couple of years after coming out without something changing in our relationship. My wife asked for divorce after I came out to her in August, and most of the rest of the world in October. My two grown sons and their wives are OK with their dad being gay, although not excited about their folks getting divorced.

    After I came out I wished (for a time) that I could take it back and keep things as they had been. We've been married 35 years, so it's been a while. A few months on and I'm feeling a lot better about who I am and more comfortable with the idea of living the rest of my life as a gay guy.

    In our case, we're going from husband/wife to roommates. We'll continue to share our house and be business partners. Only time will tell how that's all going to work out. Our divorce should be final at the end of February.
     
  12. JACT

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    I did no even planned to say anything, I suspected it would not go well if I did, I didn't even wanted to think about it but I had been under so much stress that I had even been prescribed antidepressants, The knight I told her I did not sleep much, if any, she came to bed at about 3 AM she had falling asleep on the sofa, when she came I just had this insane urge to say it, I did it and was terrified of the consequences but I could not stop it like an eruption, then afterwards it was Calm, after the crying from both of us, many questions and concerns from her, I answered the best I could, but I felt this relief in my chest, I felt really good like never before, so I was out at least that far, so much more to do, I later find out, the next stage is really hard.
     
  13. Patrick7269

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    JACT,

    I'm really sorry you're going through this and I wish I could just hug you. I've always been out in my adult life - and that had its own challenges - but I respect your path and I can only imagine your pain. I'll try to offer my thoughts as the child who went through my parents' divorce when I was 7.

    It was a confusing and bitter time. My mother moved my brother and I from Arizona to Iowa, and for the first time I knew "cold" in every way. For a while (probably just a few short calendar days I'm sure) it felt exactly as if my dad had died. I felt such a grief.

    But then I understood that the voice on the phone was him, and that he loved me just as he always had. He came to visit, and my brother and I came to visit him. He was never a perfect father - he had no father to raise him - but he was _my_ father, and for that I love him. I forgive him for the things he got wrong because he had no role model, and the things he got right were simply the result of "winging it" and plenty of love.

    Don't try to be perfect for your family, just "wing it" and have plenty of love. You won't be some idealized version of a dad from a TV sitcom or from a parenting manual, you'll simply be you - the only gift you really have to give anyone.

    If you are absolutely certain that you're gay, then I think somehow you have to be yourself and still be a gift to your family. Trying to stay in a difficult situation for others' expectations (in my humble opinion) robs you all. My parents were so noble during the divorce, but so ugly to each other during the marriage. I wasn't even 7 but I knew it.

    I'll never be faced like a choice on the scale of yours, but I do think that your path to happiness begins with self-acceptance and accepting the necessary changes that will come with it. You will all feel a bit of grief, you will all wonder why it feels like something died, and you all may feel a bit of cold. But those things will pass and you will awaken to a new reality that you all create. I hope you'll consider that opportunity amongst the fear.

    *warm, warm hugs*

    Patrick
    Seattle, WA

    ---------- Post added 13th Dec 2016 at 01:16 AM ----------

    Sorry, I don't see a way to edit a mistake -

    "I'll never be faced WITH (not like) a choice on the scale of yours..."

    Thanks,

    Patrick
     
  14. JACT

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    I love my wife and she seems to love me too, I hope to keep being her partner and best friends for all of our life, I hope one day soon she will fully understand what I am, for now it seems difficult but I will continue to work on becoming me the person I have denied for so long and hope it can be done in a way that wont be so damaging to anyone, I wont give up not going back.

    Thank you
     
  15. JACT

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  16. Patrick7269

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    JACT,

    Yes, when a 7 year-old knows something is going on there's a problem. If you are happy and on the same page openly with your wife, then of course that may be your compromise right there. I hope your kids would know that they're in a happy home too.

    We in the LGBTQ community usually embrace "alternative lifestyles". I find my own notions of what a marriage is to be challenged all the time. I hope you find the alternative arrangement that works for you.

    *more hugs*

    Patrick