1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Out and Sober

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by ColoradoRyan, Jun 20, 2017.

  1. ColoradoRyan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Denver
    Hello ECer's -

    I hope this finds you all well. If there is anything I know about coming out and then getting sober, it's that the process can seem daunting and downright scary. But, I am proof that it is possible and maybe one of the most honest actions you take in your life.

    I came out not quite 2 years ago. I was also married with 2 kids. The kids are still around and I am happy to say that my wife and I, although separated, are still close friends. Hiding from who I was for so many years ate me away at the core. I must say I was a professional at hiding from my feelings, and could push emotions away like the best of them. I was also geniunely happy with my wife. If I were straight we would still be together. But, as time went on I could no longer hide from who I was. Memories started to flood my consciousness and they all pointed back to being a teenager and in love and lust with other guys. I seemed to always choose those straight guys who I thought may have similar interests. But, I never came out or expressed my feelings to anyone.

    Time went on and after a massive anxiety attack and the death of my mother I could no longer act like everything was ok. My determination to keep my marriage together kept me going, but in a constant state of fear and dread. Key alcohol, one of the best drugs on the planet for making things seem ok and for taking your anxiety level from a 10 to a 3 in the time it takes to drink 2 beers. This started innocent enough, after all my entire family and all my friends drank. And we liked it.

    The anxiety and mental anguish became unbearable and in the winter of 2016 I moved out. Now I was alone in an apartment and feeling even more isolated. So, I decided to keep drinking as that helped me deal with the shame of being gay and for causing so much hurt to my wife and kids. Plus, I felt the friend who called me a fag in high school had won, and I had lost. How blinded I had become.

    The booze seemed to help me with my anxiety and the newfound stress of increased expenses and dates with strangers. But, I had this nagging sense I was doing something wrong since I was still miserable and I was not yet at a point I could honestly say to myself I had a drinking problem. That day finally came after contemplating ending it all as I sat across from my daughters at dinner. That evening I threw back beer and Ativan and then blacked out. The fear I felt the next day was awful.

    Rehab seemed to be the next stop in this adventure, and I ended up staying for 60 days. I learned a lot and attended meetings. I met others who struggled too. I felt afraid, but had a sense I was healing. Rehab was hard and regimented, but completely necessary as I was at the end of my rope.

    I have now been sober for 232 days (who's counting:slight_smile: and much has come to light during this time. I have improved relationships with my family. My relationship to a wonderful guy is moving in a direction I never thought was possible, and I am about to take a new job after wanting to make a move for years. Why has all this happened? Because I finally came out and then started to work on my sobriety. To be honest I never thought life could be so challenging, nor so fulfilling. I still get blinded by the urge to drink, and that familiar banter in my head that tells me I am going to fail, or that I am not good enough. However, I have tools and a support system around me and that helps.

    If anyone ever wants to talk, please let me know. Thanks for listening!
     
    Manipular, Chip and BradThePug like this.
  2. Shorthaul

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2016
    Messages:
    1,498
    Likes Received:
    231
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Congrats on your sobriety, that's a hell of achievement.
     
  3. ColoradoRyan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Denver
    Thank you so very much! Hope all is well with you!
     
  4. BradThePug

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2011
    Messages:
    6,573
    Likes Received:
    288
    Location:
    Ohio
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Ryan,

    I also wanted to stop by and congratulate you on your sobriety! It takes a lot of strength to realize that you have a problem, and it takes even more strength to take steps to handle that problem. Having tools and a support system are both very important parts of recovery. Sadly, there are high rates of addiction in the LGBT community for many of the reasons that you have mentioned. Having a conversation about addiction issues in the community is something that is very important. Many of my LGBT friends are recovering addicts, and for a long time they felt alone. It takes one person telling their story to realize that they are not alone, and I thank you for telling yours.
     
    Chip likes this.
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on your sobriety. I concur with Brad; this is an issue that isn't addressed adequately in the LGBT community and it's important we talk about it and offer encouragement to those such as yourself that support it.
     
  6. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'll add to the congratulations. It's easy to turn to alcohol, in order to blot things out and numb our feelings, but it's much harder to face up to the reality that something is very seriously wrong with this approach. Be proud of yourself again for confronting an issue that was limiting your enjoyment and appreciation of life and for having the courage to share your story on this forum.
     
  7. ColoradoRyan

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2015
    Messages:
    35
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Denver
    Thank you all for the words of encouragement! I completely agree that addiction is an issue within the LGBTQ community and that it's best if we are able to speak about our experiences and struggles. Like I mentioned, this is still difficult for me, but being out and sharing the experience does help. Too, it's nothing to be ashamed of, but I can tell you from first hand experience that my shame was debilitating.

    This is a tough world and our community faces unique challenges. It's nice to be in a place where one can share their issues with honesty.

    Thank you all!