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operation scars, insecurities. whats your opinion?

Discussion in 'Anonymous Support and Advice' started by Anonymous, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Anonymous

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    so i have 3 scars, they are the pink ones you get from operations (not like wound ones). i have one that goes from just under the center of my rib cage all the way down to my belly button. a second shorter one on the bottom left side of my stomach (on the outside of my body obviously) and a very small one directly opposite that.


    I take it i can never do hookups right? i mean you've got six pack guys or even the hotter (imo) slightly out of shape guys. why would you pick me with that? or would you? i knew a guy who was actually turned on by them XD, he seemed like a normal guy up to that point.


    i mean i look normal with clothes on, i never take my shirt off for any reason (other then to shower obviously). im just wondering you guys (as im into guys) opinions on this kind of thing, just to see if i truly am just gonna have to stay off stuff like ######, and hope that people i get into a relationship with like me enough to ignore it. or if there will be people who dont mind/actually like it and it'll be fine
     
  2. Fishtail

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    You know, i used to think like you nonstop until my 22 birthday, rarely still do.
    Even the hottest gay guy can have doubts and be self-conscious.
    And yes i would date no matter if a guy have scars if they are content with life,
    because while my scars aren't as big as yours,
    those LGBT who have invisible scars will more likely have an
    understanding and acceptance of you visible scars.

    And should you encounter with another guy like you mentioned,
    as long as he respects you boundary and don't harm you/inflict pain,
    (if you aren't into thing like BDSM) why not give it a change?
     
    #2 Fishtail, Jun 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2017
  3. Islanzadi

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    I had scoliosis surgery, so I have a massive scar on my back running from just under my neck almost down to my sacrum. At first I was very self concious about it, because I could feel all those eyes staring at my back when I went to the beach and stuff, but after a couple of years I came to peace with it.

    Now, I usually just don't tell people about it, not even people I date, they either see it because my clothes don't always cover it completely, or they find out in bed. They often freak out a bit and ask me what happened, so I tell them and make no big deal of it. All of them actually find it quite badass and like it, some even find it sexy.

    So I suggest you just don't make a big deal of them and people probably won't! :slight_smile: It takes an effort at the beginning to learn to ignore the stares, but I dealt with it by thinking that they probably weren't starring because they thought it was ugly, but rather because they were curious about what could have happened to me to have such a huge scar. Some mean people are probably judgemental, but most of them are just curious.
     
  4. Anonymous

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    OP here

    your braver then me then, i never take my shirt off, never, even at the beach, which is considered weird for a guy to do that haha. its weird i never thought about this whole thing till actually a few months ago when i considered it and realised that its actually really kind of freaky looking, like ive never properly been on anything like ###### but people talk about that sort of stuff all the time, post screenshots, all that stuff, and i thought to myself i could never do them because I hold too much emotional significance over the whole act (im still a virgin btw, ive never dated either), but then i realised i couldnt do them even if i wanted to because of being so physically.....unattractive and kind of freaky, i looked at it as if i wasn't me and realised that thats actually repulsive to look at especially on the front, i realised that many people find it distracting and gross to have these kind of scars (not that i ever share any pictures). im sure if a guy got to know me and truly liked me he'd get over the whole scars thing or maybe even like them, i guess it'd be a test of faith so to speak, if they leave when they discover them then clearly they were an asshole so its for the best XD
     
  5. Islanzadi

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    Yeah! If someone that likes you runs away because of the scars, they're assholes! I don't know how long you had those scars, but it took me 6 years to accept mine, this is a long process. Also, if you keep getting complexed by them, you can try to treat them with vitamine E or oils complexes (I really like Bio oils) to make them less apparent. Also, here in Canada (I don't know where you live or if this is available elsewhere) the brand Elastoplast used to make some transparent and flexible stickers that you wear 12 hours a day for a couple of weeks that makes the scars fade quite a lot. Also, if you put your scars in the sun (with sunscreen of course, and at least 1 year after surgery), their color will eventually blend a bit more with the skin surrounding them, making them less apparent. If you want to go to the extremes, you can also get a tatoo that covers the scars, some tatoo artists are really skilled to hide scars within a beautiful design.

    Of course, all these tricks will make them LESS apparent, but they will never disappear. They are part of who you are! It takes a lot of time to accept these things, and just remember that when people look at them, it's probably not that they think it's ugly, it's probably just that they wonder what happened. If you don't want to tell them, you can just tell them you fought with a bear and won. They'll laught then forget about it :slight_smile: I found a lot of tricks to deviate questions when I didn't want to answer them! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  6. Anonymous

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    well ive had the big one since i was 10, the smaller one on left side and the tiny one on the right side since i was 14. and im 20 now, so a while really, but i think its because ive only just recently started to process them if you know what i mean. i just kind of feel like im gonna be alone in my life because not only is that a problem but the inside (personality) is terrible too, its like i have no redeeming qualities.
     
  7. Islanzadi

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    Aw com'on! Everybody got their own qualities, even the worst person on earth has some! I think you definitely need to build up some confidence! Get help from a therapist if you think you need some. Or if not, try to find at least one thing that you like about you. It could be your smile, your eyes, how you think about other people, your courage, anything. Find that one great thing about you that you like, and every time you look at yourself in the mirror, remind yourself that you've got that one thing! Eventually, you'll find beautiful things inside of you and build up the confidence that you can be someone great! :slight_smile:
     
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  8. Fishtail

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    Isn't a bit weird, not in a bad way, you mindset also was similar to my 22 self.
    Do you have an idea why you think that way? If yes a psychology or
    therapy will have better tools to help and work with you.
    Because being in a relationship don't make the self-doubt or
    negative self-image disappear, it can often become worse after a breakup.

    But i still stand by my posting when you work on you self-esteem:
     
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  9. Anonymous

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    Ive been trying therapy, its strange, all you do is talk about things and i mean thats great in the short term, but i seem to slide back to my old self within a week. i feel like im mentally stuck tbh. im not sure whats going on really
     
  10. looking for me

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    hey, I thought id pop in here as I have had similar problems, Ive had many surgeries from my legs to my heart along with the scars you get growing up from cuts etc. and like you I've been severely self conscious about them. like I haven't shown my legs in decades because of the scars on the backs of them and on one foot. my therapist was asking if I wore sandals in summer to show off my legs and I told her no because of the scars, she wanted to see them and told me that I should wear them like a badge of honour because I can walk where I wouldn't have been able to without the operations, I suspect the same might be for you in that you wouldn't be here or at least here as you are without the operations. most folks don't give a crap and those that notice would for the most part be empathetic. those who are not are usually a-holes anyway and you wouldn't want to be with them anyway.

    hugs.
     
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  11. johndeere3020

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    OP, Define the word "NORMAL" for me.

    Dean
     
  12. Islanzadi

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    Therapy won't work like magic, it is meant as a way to help you work on yourself when your out of the therapist's office. Acceptance of a physical condition takes a lot of work, and you need to go beyond your comfort zone for a little while to achieve that. You can either do it yourself, or get the help of a therapist, but no one can do it for you, we can only support you.

    Me and looking for me have told you how we made peace with our own scars. There may be other ways to achieve that, but I think you could have a good starting point from what we said. And just remember that there's no easy way out of this, you need to take baby steps outside the limit of your comfort zone, one baby step at a time. You could just start by mowing your lawn shirtless, or take your shirt off when you're at the pool at family gatherings (less intense than a public pool or beach). When I first decided to remove the tanktop I used to wear over my bathing suit at the beach, I felt like everybody was looking at me and whispering behind me. I was really getting paranoid and all I wanted to do was to cover my scar, run away and cry, but I stayed there, and endured. I got more and more comfortable every time I did it, and today I don't care at all, I even wear shirts with the back open at work and in public.
     
  13. OGS

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    I never did the apps per se but way back before my husband I did do a fair amount of hooking up and I can honestly say that it would surprise me if it was an issue. I have a few scars myself, so does my husband for that matter, and I remember having "encounters" shall we say with several other men with scars. I don't remember it ever being a real issue. Most of the time it didn't come up and a few times I remember actually laying in bed and tracing scars and talking about them--and, you know, in my experience it's always been an oddly, and pleasantly, intimate thing.

    Now it is possible that things would be different now if you pick one of the venues where people want to see you naked before you even meet for coffee. But assuming you are meeting guys the way I did--chatting them up at a bar/club/beach/gym/grocery store, going out for a drink/coffee/smoothie/lunch then heading back to their place or mine and ripping each other's clothes off well, I just don't see it being an issue. I guess there are going to be a couple childish a$$holes out there, but, scars or no, you should only sleep with adults anyway.
     
  14. Shorthaul

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    Scars are the tattoos life gives you; good, bad and life threatening. I have some from things that were fun or from work, some from stupid and some from bad luck. I actually have one on my lip along with a chipped tooth from getting in a fight with a 20k pound John Deere loader. Its mostly faded but I still laugh about it, even if the stitches hurt a million times worse than the reason for the trip to the ER in the first place. I have one on my wrist that I never remember getting.

    Scars usually have stories, unless you don't remember how you got them. Which you can always make up stories for them. I tell people a couple of them are from when I fought a bear to protect some boy scouts.

    If they are a big deal to the other person, than that is a good sign you can do better. Don't let their weird/stuckupness bring you down.
     
    #14 Shorthaul, Jun 21, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017
  15. Anonymous

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    normal: has nothing out of the ordinary about them. is at least decent towards other human beings (and animals), nothing creepy about them you know?
     
  16. Anonymous

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    haha I think my family would definetly find it weird if i removed the shirt XD they'd never let that go lol (im basically almost a never nude). I mean maybe sharing a picture when asked, you know just going for it, might help as with that guy i talked about it actually made me feel less self conscious about it if you know what i mean? like i stopped caring about it as much, maybe more of that (within reason) would help (and it is out of my comfort zone haha)
     
  17. Anonymous

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    OP:

    huge update! i posted a um...pic on a server im a part of, i got called hot by multiple people XD i feel amazing! 3 guys are fighting over me XD
     
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  18. Islanzadi

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    See? :wink: Regular baby steps outside your comfort zone is the key to get comfortable with your body :slight_smile: Good job on doing that! :slight_smile:
     
  19. Foxfeather

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    Dude. I'm not a dude who's into guys. But if I saw a woman with scars beneath her breasts, I wouldn't give a damn. She'd be mine and (unfortunately?) she'll have her clothes on 99% of the time (as most civilized humans do). I. wouldn't. give. a. damn. And for you, he won't either, or else he's not worth your time. Who dumps someone just for a few scars? I know men who've married their wives only months away from them passing away from cancer. Bald and breastless, she's still the woman he loves. That's love.
     
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  20. Anonymous

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    haha im not sure if id do it again, but people there asked me too so maybe XD, i still feel weird about it though a guy i know on that server convinced me to do it though XD he's an awesome guy tbh

    true, but i seem to have a hard time getting that far into a relationship XD. I mean regardless of my scars, which people told me were fine when i did the thing i mentioned. I seem to have this natural talent of people just like....friendzoning me XD, ah so great at everything. like i think i just did it again for like the 3rd time