Open Marriage or Divorce after 25 years

My husband and I have been together since 1995 and married since 1997. We have two daughters aged 16 and 14. He is 47 and I am 45. He recently had the realization that he wants to be with a guy and suck him to orgasm and perhaps take it in the ass.He is thinking he is bisexual. He says he doesn’t want our lives to change or to ruin what we have, but he must do this before he gets too old or dies. On one hand he thinks that if he could hook up to meet his desires with a guy, once or even monthly, it would “scratch his itch.” I am torn on how to feel about it all and would love some honest commentary and feedback. Here is some background info.

He had a sexual experience at 15 with a 17 year old boy. They sucked each other’s dicks though my husband did more of the sucking. He tried to take it in the ass but wasn’t really able. He was not able to make the older boy cum and it has always bugged him.

He does find women attractive. In the real world he only really seems to notice good looking women. He does not day to day find men attractive but he absolutely has a dick fetish or something. He has had a cuckold type fantasy for years. Most of our sex life has been around this type of fantasy. It originally was just me with the guy. Then as the fantasy progressed over the years, my husband started helping. He loves the idea of sucking the cock with me or cleaning me up after he comes in me. But that has progressed now to him wanting to suck the dick, lick his ass, and even maybe take it in the ass. I’ve been supportive and not judge mental. We even got a big black dildo that I put in his mouth a few times while we were fooling around to turn him on. A part of me was open to the possibility of a threesome. I have fingered him in the ass while talking dirty to make him cum. I have fed him his own cum. I would be willing to role play with a strap on. He does like being a bit submissive in the fantasy. He likes some subservient role.He watches a lot of cuckold and bisexual threesome porn. He does make me orgasm, but it often feels more like a returning the favor.

He used shrooms for the first time a few weeks ago. During the trip, he was outside with a fire going and saw a big black cock in the fire. He felt a great desire. After this experience, he has said he needs to suck a duck and swallow cum before he dies. We have looked online for some options for him to find someone to fulfill this with and have not really found the right one yet. We have discussed that he just isn’t sure how he feels. What if he does it, loves it, and realizes he is more gay than he realized? He is afraid of ruining our family. Or what if he does it, loves it, but doesn’t want me to settle for being with a guy that periodically wants to hook up with a guy. (To which I asked if that means he would want an open marriage where I can also see other people for sec). He commented that being together in our early 20s kept him from having as many sexual experiences. I think he has been with 5 women.He told em a story about the Amish allowing a month of anything goes before officially joining the community. I asked if that’s what he is wanting? Does he also want to hook up with other women too? He said no, but I wonder. He says he sees us growing old together, having grandkids etc. It’s complicated because we are best friends. We also own a business together. But we both also know that there is no way to know the direction things could go if he takes this step. I am grateful we are able to talk honestly and openly with each other.

I told him he needs to go be with a guy to know more about himself. He has looked on a couple of sites to try to find someone. Any tips? He showed me some pictures and some texting between him and a couple of them but he has t really liked anyone enough yet. He wants a big dick (don’t we all).

Thoughts that come to my mind are:
Do I want to be in a marriage where I am not desired sexually? I know there are worse things. I am not sure I would ever even want to remarry.
Do I want to support him through this? See the guys he is considering? Hear about the experiences? Or is that subjecting myself to more hurt?

Should we do a small separation for a month or more? (we have a big house and an extra bedroom that we could use and the kids would not need to know if it is a short time). Would that also give me the space to take of myself better through it? Does he take me for granted since he has had me for so long? Have I become an extension of him in a way that he can’t appreciate me? Would having space from me allow him to better pursue what he is seeking so that he can determine more about his sexuality without my presence?
Lastly, What do I need and want? For so long, I haven’t really thought on that question. How do I take care of me through this?
Am I just delaying the inevitable and should I initiate an amicable divorce?

In an ideal world, if I could choose what would happen, he would be happy with us doing role playing, strap ons, dildos. If he really needed to suck a duck, it would be with an escort in Vegas or something. And that’s it. But I don’t want to force him to settle or to suppress himself.

Meanwhile, I am sad. I hate that I am not wanted. After this long and two kids, I don’t feel desired. I am not as attractive. I have stretch marks, wrinkles, and weight gain compared to when I was younger. I think about how much of our sex life has been dominated by his fantasies. I can’t compete with men. But then, I’m not sure what I would want besides the life we have together.

Any experience or guidance to share?

 

.I really appreciate your responses and questions that are helping me think this through. Yes there were a lot of questions. Should I change how I posted? I agree divorce would be extreme. How did you create ground rules in your poly relationships? Or did you have any?