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Only gay when horny

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blagh, Sep 22, 2019.

  1. beenthrdonetht

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    I think this is probably most often true... but I can't prove it. And what bothers me is that I can't disprove it either. That is, it fails Karl Popper's criterion that for an idea to be scientific, there must be some conceivable way to show it is wrong.

    Now I know Chip well enough to believe that he has given plenty of though to the circular nature of the denial-proves-existence argument. It's suspiciously like the accusation that "survival of the fittest" is an unfalsifiable circular argument, which in the wrong hands it is, and yet I do believe in natural selection.

    That said, I've been told (lectured at) about my own supposed denial, and... what could I do but deny it? It puts one in an unwinnable state.
     
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  2. out2019

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    I did some of what chip recommended and while your personal experience may be different, I'll share what I experienced:
    I did this and had to accept some contradictions.. ok I am gay but I still like looking at women, that doesn't make sense, but I'll figure out the answer later, for now accept I am gay.
    I tried to do this on the street for a long time and noticed how much resistance I had to it. I would literally cringe...I let it go for awhile, and one day I was the pool and noticed a guy... wow... my heart started beating I still felt guilty but also wonderful .
    I still have a problem with this and denial afterwards :frowning2:
    Like many here I thought "I am just into the sex" when I let myself think about a romantic date, I wasn't prepared for the strong rush of emotion...
     
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  3. out2019

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    I experienced this too, almost to the point of getting a little angry and wishing the habit of looking would go away.
    I also realized the habit of looking is a form of denial, hoping that I would get aroused or it was 'proof' I wasn't gay.
     
    #23 out2019, Sep 23, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2019
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  4. Chip

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    As far as I know, the phenomena of urges and attraction for women evaporating when someone accepts that they're gay (or like guys) hasn't ever been studied, but anecdotally, I can tell you that here on EC there are dozens of people over the years who have reported exactly that phenomena.

    It kind of makes sense if you think of it in terms of the unconscious, once unleashed, and once the instinctive drives start coming out, would strongly overpower the essentially manufactured (or, perhaps, societally conditioned) opposite-sex responses. Yet I always find it interesting when someone describes that. Sometimes it's with fear... "Why is this happening"... as though they aren't really ready to accept the truth that they're gay. And other times it's more with wonder and amusement. But it definitely appears to be a thing.
     
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  5. out2019

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    I remember fearing it - I remember that "why is this happening " feeling.....but then seeing it as liberating and a relief, because it felt I was finally aware of how I was unconsciously trying to force it.

    Sometimes there is a little 'anger' about it too.
     
    #25 out2019, Sep 24, 2019
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2019
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  6. Franz007

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    I would be more than happy if my attraction for women would decrease. Actually its more the opposite.
     
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  7. Aldia

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    I really get you. I see you've been posting for a while just as I have and I swear it's sometimes uncanny how much I can related to your experience. I grew up having really strong crushes on girls and having a strong sexual desire towards them. I remember being some 10yo and watching some TV show with girls in bathing suits and not being able to decide if I liked their breasts or thighs more. When I started masturbating it was all about girls in my class or women I saw on TV.

    Then I got internet at home and of course I started watching porn. Never liked gay porn even though I had the curiosity to check it once or twice, but more and more often I would watch straight porn imagining myself as the women displayed there. Initially I dismissed it as some kind of kink, but I would often have sexual dreams of having sex with men, as a man.

    I am in a point of my life where I can finally admit to myself that right now I get way more aroused by the thought of giving a blowjob or being fucked by a guy than the thought of fucking women. I am also starting to allow myself to check men on the street and it's quite surprising to see that I can actually find some of them beautiful and have the desire to be more than just sexual with.

    Women still get most of my attention in every day life, but at this point I don't of that's just conditioning or if that's legitimate atraction. Sometimes I will go back deep in denial but it's happening more and more rarely and I am increasingly less anxious about acknowledging my same sex atractions.

    There is also the issue of not feeling I would fit in the gay community - I consider myself a fairly masculine man, I listen to metal mostly, I like guns and I am currently in the army. But I am also working on deconstructing this kind of stereotype as well, and EC and reddit have helped to change this hardwired thought that liking sex with men equals being feminine or less masculine. But it's an ongoing battle.
     
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  8. blagh

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    Yes - a lot of what you've said rings true for me as well. It's nice to hear from someone going through something similar.

    Honestly, I wish someone would just give me the magic set of words, or tell me where to get that one experience, that will settle the questions in my mind forever. But I just can't seem to find them. I'm sure there are people reading my posts (and I'm sure people in my life) who are thinking "man, this guy just refuses to see that he's gay", but I honestly don't yet. It's like everyone wants me to be gay so they can confirm their own preconceived bullshit. Or maybe I'm just so repressed that I'm in capable of accepting what everyone else clearly sees. Like you say, it's an ongoing battle and I have no idea what side I'm going to end up on when the dust settles.
     
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  9. Aldia

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    This uncertainty gives me a lot of anxiety sometimes as well. But what I have decided to do is to try being comfortable with not knowing exactly what to call myself right now - I know for sure I'm not heterosexual, but I still can't feel comfortable calling myself gay given the atractions I've had and still have towards women. Sometimes I wish I have had an experience more similar to what Chip related in another post or to what most of my gay friends tell me, of never being really attracted to women in any way and either trying to suppress atraction towards males or becoming aware of them later in life. I will try to be open to further experiences with both men and women and try not be anxious about finding a definitive answer for now. Sometimes I still get really anxious but thinking this way and talking to people here has been helping a lot.
     
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  10. JaymzR1968

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    There is no universal way to be gay because we are all more than our sexuality – we’re individuals with our own interests, opinions and lives.

    I know this may sound cliche - but the answer will present itself at the moment in your life that you are ready to hear it.
     
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  11. blagh

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    Thank you for saying that - that makes me feel better.
     
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  12. DangerAlex

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    What interesting to me is that you fantasize about men in sexual situations, but you daydream about women in romantic situations, yet you have no desire to be in an actual relationship with a woman, nor do you have much desire to have sex with women.

    I would say you're either gay or are like a 4/5 on the Kinsey scale. My guess is that your thoughts about being in relationships with women are conditioned, as is the negative response you have after you've been fantasizing about men sexually and orgasm.

    It seems you're putting more pressure on yourself to fit yourself into a neat little category than anyone else is. I think the best way to answer the questions you're having is to simply test them. Find a man to be with and see what the experience of being with a man does for you in reality, outside of your fantasies. If you enjoy the experience equally to your past experiences with women, then you're probably bisexual. If you don't enjoy the experience as much as in your fantasies, then maybe you've just been curious but are, ultimately, straight. But at least you'd have the answer you're looking for.

    Just a thought.
     
  13. EllisMar

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    I might have missed it but I didnt notice anyone discussing romantic attraction vs sexual attraction. It seems like maybe you have romantic attraction to woman, and sexual attraction to men. I'm just learning about my own sexuality, desires, romantic attraction, partnership etc. It has been helpful to me to understand the ways in which I feel differently toward men and women.

    Edit: I see this distinction in the comment RIGHT above mine! oops
     
    #33 EllisMar, Oct 2, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2019
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  14. EllisMar

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    I wouldnt base it solely on one experience. I tried to be with a girl in college and hated it. It didnt mean I didnt like girls, I just didnt like THAT girl. But I still used the experience for another few years to convince myself I wasnt really attracted to women.
     
  15. Chip

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    Despite the claims of a very small but obnoxiously loud contingent of people, basing their claims on absolutely nothing, there is no credible research supporting the idea of discordant separation between romantic and sexual orientation. There's also no support for this idea among the overwhelming majority of mental health professionals.

    What we typically see in cases where people claim this is exactly what DangerAlex alludes to: that the opposite-sex "romantic" attraction is socially condtioned, and essentially serves as a denial mechanism.

    What gets confusing is that there is, in fact, a term for feeling a strong connection or bond to someone where there's no sexual interest or desire, and that phrase has been around for decades: it's called 'emotionally intimate friendship" and has nothing to do with so-called 'romantic attraction'. Unfortunately, the evidence- and research-free crowd has promoted this idea of 'romantic attraction' and it really does nothing but further confuse folks, and typically keep them in denial or confusion, when they are trying to figure things out.
     
    #35 Chip, Oct 2, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2019
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  16. EllisMar

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    Well let me just get my ignorant self right on out of this conversation then!!! Hahah
     
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  17. EllisMar

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    @Cind Ace
     
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  18. Cind Ace

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    Hahah Gosh i have to scroll first from the top. This gets so interesting EllisMar! Lol
     
  19. EllisMar

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    Right! Haha
     
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  20. Cind Ace

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    Come let's divert yourself to other interesting stuff around. I tagged you on some issue you'd relate.
    It is an eye opener for me too aboutt his topic you guys been talking about.