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One component of sexuality suppression, "confusion"

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Jul 11, 2016.

  1. brainwashed

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    Finally, finally I've "come to terms" with the fact I am gay - more and more comfortable with "me". Dealing with all the shame is a work in progress.

    Now I am able to "reflect" enough to determine that one component (ingredient for you chief types) of suppressing ones innate sexuality is "confusion". Lots and lots of confusion.

    This confusion prohibits your brains from processing "logic" well. Like you cant figure a damn thing out.
    .
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    In sense that you create the confusion yourself to suppress your own sexuality?
     
  3. Justasking100

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    I think i get you. You mean that confusion prevents you from saying 100% that you are gay? Or that logically you know you are fat but your brain can't seem to process and accept it?

    ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 08:59 AM ----------

    I get whole confusing thing. Given people say sexuality is a spectrum and so personal to you it's difficult to give yourself a label?
     
  4. brainwashed

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    I like the material quoted above. Very interesting. My response. I guess I could comfortably say a human brain can (not absolute) create confusion. Maybe it's a cause, effect relationship. The cause is public shame, one response (a resultant) is confusion.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 10:39 AM ----------

    Yes. It's a cause, effect. My theory is, confusion can be one of many reasons why one cannot understand they are gay. Man this would be really fun to research. Causes of confusion and effects of confusion.

    With reference to "seem to process and accept it" I call that ability to reflect. What blocks reflection? Shame. What causes shame, a bad experience.

    Interesting and one I have to think about. That is a possibility.
     
  5. greatwhale

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    In the context of determining one's own sexuality, you are dealing with a lot of cognitive dissonance, and this often results in a battle with the ego.

    You can sense your attractions easily enough, but your ego, the self you have constructed pretty much unconsciously will fight back.

    Confusion often arises out of conflicting evidence, or with an inability to distinguish meaningful evidence from other stuff, or, thinking that there should be "other stuff" in order to (often deliberately) muddy the waters (the ego is a wily devil).
     
  6. brainwashed

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    An example of confusion or inability to do something.

    Before I had a clue I was gay, but post the time I knew I was broken someway, I set about the task of remodeling my bathroom. For some reason I just could not figure out a color scheme. For about 2 weeks I struggled with, what color should the counter top be? Color of floor tile? Wall color? My god nothing came together.

    Finally I threw in the towel and had an interior decorator friend over to get their take. She instantly made a few suggestions. Her suggestions were wonderful.

    Now that I know I am gay, at the time of this writing, 11 July 2016, I have absolute no problem figuring out color schemes. Is it to the level of an interior decorator or architect? No. But can I see where I am at and where I'm going with a simple color scheme. Yes. And it's refreshing.

    So whats changed? Im less confused about my sexuality. In fact I accept I'm gay. Im I over all the shame? No. But I know I am gay and I was born that way and I am way less confused.

    Oh my a new reflection and area of research. If my confusion theory has substance, what if any is the range of confusion on other parts of a persons life?

    Few.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jul 2016 at 11:02 AM ----------

    Thanks greatwhale for clarifications. I have to reflect.

    The human brain with all it's traits, can be thought of as a very complex cocktail. Notice I said confusion is (may) one ingredient in this cocktail.

    I just notice I'm less confused now that I know I am gay.
     
    #6 brainwashed, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  7. nerdbrain

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    This is what's known as ego-dystonic homosexuality: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego-dystonic_sexual_orientation

    Personally, this is my major challenge in life today. I know that I'm at least bi and likely gay, but I can't seem to integrate these feelings into my day-to-day life. Even after 20 years, they still feel alien.

    However, I am starting to see more clearly how my ego has been defined from a very early age as a defense against being gay. So much of what's important to me is about proving my masculinity to myself (i.e., sleeping with women and other behaviors). I guess this is a "false self." Working on a way to start dismantling it...
     
  8. brainwashed

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    OK I looked up cognitive dissonance. The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

    Then I looked up confusion. 1. Lack of understanding; uncertainty. 2. The state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

    So now I'm really confused now as to which work I should use - hey I haven't had morning coffee yet.

    ---------- Post added 12th Jul 2016 at 08:00 AM ----------

    alien = confusion?

    I use the words see clearly (semi opaque) all the time so it's interesting you use the same analogy. And what I am finally realizing the last ~6 months or so is "me" is a certain way because of sexual suppressed. The current "me" is the effect, the cause, being directed to be a certain way. So it's very interesting you independently came up with the same conclusion - "how my ego has been defined from a very early age......."

    Instead of sleeping with women, which indecently I never liked, I turned to high risk activities, mountain climbing, white water kayaking, much more. It's like what some of the books say, one channels suppression energy into high risk behavior.
     
  9. greatwhale

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    Cognitive dissonance starts with a strong, almost unassailable belief, and, when confronted with contrary evidence, a person with this belief will experience anxiety. In order to relieve this anxiety, the person will attempt to minimize the evidence, ignore it, downplay it, or seek out and possibly exaggerate (cherry-pick) evidence that confirms his or her beliefs.

    This will repeat itself until the anxiety is gone...until the next event that provides yet more, and stronger evidence contrary to belief.
     
  10. nerdbrain

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    Another concept that I find useful is the idea of the false self: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/True_self_and_false_self

    We create these false selves early in life to conform with others' expectations. But even when we realize they are false, it's not easy to let them go because we have become so invested in them.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Very interesting thread.

    This makes a lot of sense. The more I go through the evidence the less sense it makes, because I don't trust my own interpretation.

    I posted a thread on this the other day, but you've put it better than me. It's like the feeling exist in a box separate to the rest of me.

    Yes, this makes a lot of sense too. I find that even when it feels false, I sometimes like playing the role. I like fitting in, I guess.
     
  12. brainwashed

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    Your word evidence hits a nerve. Before I knew I was gay I compiled a list of guys I had eyes for. Why? I don't know. I just did it. But after concluding I was gay, the list makes sense.
     
  13. TravelerMe

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    Starting to get a handle on this thread now lol. For me its a combination of confusion; internalized homophobia and out right wishing it weren't so and actively denying.

    Evidence yes! The facts speak strongly. I've recently made a list in my head of possibly hundreds of instances where I felt an attraction to a guy or had a little crush on one etc. Not just glances but names and places come to mind specifically. I need to write them down.

    And still I say to myself "Am a really gay?" Maybe I still question because after I've come out to myself and began to accept it I realize its not that big of a deal; I don't really feel different; no great epiphany has occurred. So then I loop back and question "Well if its not a big deal maybe I'm not gay" LOL

    On top of it all I've consciously tried to suppress it forever. But as I move along I find peace in being vulnerable to it; freeing myself of that weight of denying and hiding.

    Here's hoping!
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    I find the word evidence appropriate. I feel like I'm gathering evidence and assigning it to either side of an argument.

    I get this. I do feel like there should be an epiphany of sorts. That I should feel something. Then I feel nothing, just normal, so I must be straight. :slight_smile:
     
  15. brainwashed

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    Per post in this post. The word "ego". It finally hit me. Yep ego explains a lot. Where was ECs when I was a teen? Ahhhhhhh!