1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

On the Other Side

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    213
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So far the grass is no greener over here. It's been three days since my full-disclosure talk with my wife. At first my wife seemed pretty OK and even supportive, but now she's in hey-wait-a-minute mode, complete with anger, fear, and leaping to conclusions . I go between thinking it's the right thing to have done no matter what, but then wondering if I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

    Anyone have some perspective to offer?
     
  2. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2018
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    OH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You can do it bud ya shes gonna be hurt but your hurting yourself more by keeping it bottled up
     
  3. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2018
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    OH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I looked at it like this you can keep it bottled up and let pick at you or be honest with her thats what got me to do it if she accepts it great if not and decide to go at least you got it off your back
     
  4. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    1,049
    Likes Received:
    166
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sevnbutton

    To be frank. You, probably, had no choice but to disclose your sexuality to your wife. I know each of our journeys is different, but I have discussed this process with at least a couple dozen guys...maybe more. The common element is that the secret eventually destroys the marriage because it gets harder and harder to bottle this inside and the damage just continues to mount.

    I was a member of a support group for guys that are in mixed orientation marriages. You and your wife are not the first couple to be through this.

    There will be periods of anger, resentment and fear. It's part of the process. Some of us luck out, as I did. But, for most there will be some bumps along the way. There are several things that seem to work. The first is communication which is essential. Keep these lines open and hear what your wife is saying even if you want to argue about it. Some of our spouses need to process with anger. You may need to suck it up and swallow your pride during the venting. Some need to grieve a bit for what they see as the loss of a marriage that never really existed. So, this will require you to validate your love to her and to offer reassurance. Some will be resentful. In my case, my wife felt left out of a big part of me. I made sure to spend more time than I ever did...In a way, I re-courted her.

    For some, our wives cannot accept having a "non-straight" husband and will not want to stay married. TBH, those seem to be marriages that have issues anyway and some wives are looking for an excuse and looking for blame.

    You have been honest with your wife. You have not cheated on her. Those are big things. Lots of guys just fulfill their same sex needs discreetly and pretend the marriage is just great.

    Hang in there.

    Nickw
     
    NoName87, FooFight54, RogerM and 2 others like this.
  5. quebec

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    1,236
    Likes Received:
    518
    Location:
    Idaho
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sevn..... No matter how bitter-sweet the results of telling your wife are...you sir are a person that I respect. It was so very hard for me to tell my wife that the person she had been married to for 37 years (40 now) was not who she thought he was. In a way it was like the husband she thought she knew had died and been replaced by a look-alike stranger. It took a while for her to see that I was really pretty much the same person she had know for so long, with one big difference...this new guy was so much happier and relaxed...sometimes even fun to be around! Now 3 1/2 years later we sometimes joke about being gay! I so hope for you that your wife will come to see that the "real" you is someone whom she can love and respect. I don't know how you feel about staying with her or leaving, but I can say that having told her the "Big" one I hope that the remaining "little" issues and problems can be worked out. I have a friend who knew when he came out to his wife that there would be a separation and a divorce. Nonetheless both he and his wife still worked towards making sense of their relationship. They became the very best of friends, something that they had never really been before. He says that their relationship is closer than it had ever been in the past. Yes, they divorced, but they regularly spend time together and have even taken vacations together. They spend more "quality" time together now than they ever did when married. I'm not saying you should divorce...it's just an example of what complete honesty can lead to. I know that it doesn't work this way for everyone, but it is possible. My wife and I chose not to divorce...we have built our life together and in our own way we do love each other. So...give her time to adjust. Be there for her as she works though this new thing in her life...and yours. I hope that whatever outcome you desire becomes a reality!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    SevnButton likes this.
  6. Jakebusman

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2018
    Messages:
    179
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    OH
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    What all was in the talk ?
     
  7. RogerM

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2018
    Messages:
    32
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Long Island, New York
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Exactly what Nickw said! It’s all part of the process. Hang in there, it gets better.
     
    SevnButton likes this.
  8. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    213
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I started by apologizing for writing it down becauseI know she doesn't like that. Then I affirmed my love and commitment to her. I said I was lucky to have her love and care. Then I said I needed to restart a conversation from 25 years ago. I explained that 25 years ago I dropped the conversation because it felt like a threat to our marriage, and that was the most important thing in my life. But I realize now that I need to re-start the conversation because by shutting down part of my sexuality I had accidentally shut down all of it, and in doing that I realize now that I hurt her. I apologized for that, and offered to her all of me. I finished with, "I do know that I want to be with you, and I want to bring forth all of me".
     
    DecentOne, quebec and RogerM like this.
  9. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    213
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I remember someone writing that after coming out, the spouse is immediately dealing with something that the person coming out has been thinking about for a long time. That certainly is true, But it's also true that I am far from having everything figured out. The total situation is that from my unstable footing I'm trying to be solid and stable for my wife as she processes all kinds of thoughts.

    I think the answer for the moment is, acknowledge the huge, irreversible step I've taken, be as supportive and kind as I can be, and "Hang in there".
     
    SoulSearch and RogerM like this.
  10. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    1,049
    Likes Received:
    166
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Svenbutton

    I hope things calm down for you .... they will.

    I found the hardest thing of all coming out to my wife was that I had learned, before coming out, to celebrate my sexuality. To appreciate that my same sex desires were a good thing. I needed to do this to, well, stay alive, really. They are a fundamental part of me and trying to hide them, or hate them or repress them was destroying me.

    Our spouses are not going to see it that way right away. How can they? Little by little we became something we weren't and our wives didn't see it happening. My wife did start recognizing it at some point and remarked that she "had the guy she married back". I wanted to dance in the rain and shout "I'm free". My wife, as well as she took it, wasn't dancing right away. It was a let down.

    For a short time, I did find a couple of gay guys my age to drink a beer with and be "gay". That helped a bunch. It would be better to find another married guy near you. There may be some. I met with several guys who were part of a support group and it was really helpful to be able to have someone sit across the table and know how this feels.

    Take care

    Nick
     
    SevnButton and RogerM like this.
  11. SevnButton

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2018
    Messages:
    450
    Likes Received:
    213
    Location:
    Southern California Coast
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thanks @Nickw ! That's the other part of the strategy I missed in my last post: be the man my wife fell in love with. Also a truism I realized about 2 years ago: I don't have to wait for the people around me to be happy before I can be happy.
     
  12. SoulSearch

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    103
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Even after a few months I am still vacillating between being happy that I told my husband and that I am making progress toward a more authentic life and relationship, and panic/fear/doubt about whether I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. I have the added complication of being in love with a woman while still married to my husband. I am so torn about which path to follow that some days I can't even think about it without tears. Hoping it gets easier for all of us on this complicated journey.
     
  13. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    1,049
    Likes Received:
    166
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Soulsearch. I read from your other post that you are considering divorcing your husband because of this love. This is one risks of an open marriage. Falling for someone of the same sex. If you are gay, I suppose this is a very big risk.

    But, if you're gay and not bi, you probably cannot provide what your husband needs either. I feel for you in this situation.

    Is it possible to have some sort of open marriage where everyone gets what they need? I would guess it's harder for your situation than mine since it would be harder for your husband to find a woman who would be involved in that.

    In my case, I would go crazy without a woman too. So running off with a man just wouldn't work. Would you miss intimacy with a man? Would you gain anything?
     
  14. SoulSearch

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2018
    Messages:
    135
    Likes Received:
    103
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I may be bi, but at the moment I have no interest in my husband or any other man sexually. I've been having sex with him out of obligation for years (until I came out to him in May). If my interest in the woman was purely sexual, I think my husband might be open to staying together with me being sexually fulfilled outside of our house, but I have to have an emotional connection to someone before I develop a sexual attraction, so it's more significant than that. The woman I've fallen for is not interested in pursuing a relationship with an attached woman, so if I want a chance to see where things could go with her, I need to be separated from my husband. It's hard to say because I've yet to be physically intimate with a woman, but I don't think I will miss intimacy with a man.
     
  15. FooFight54

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 21, 2018
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Denver
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Sevn,
    Stay strong and embrace your wife (just as NickW mentions). It is a grieving process for our wives. I disclosed my sexual attractions to men over 15 months ago and we struggle daily. As NickW states, anger and sadness are the phases that my wife is going thru today. How could she be married to a man who swings both ways. But, I have been, and will always be faithful and honest with her. Today, in public, I do not stare at men, she does though. I try to remain engaged with our closeness and communication.

    I mentioned this sentence on a regular basis, "I want to be in a faithful marriage with you even though I'm bisexual." Again, reassurance MUST come daily and be consistent.

    Stay strong, share with EC, and embrace your new opened sexuality.

    hugs
    FooFight54