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On Not Being a Gay Man

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Marko, Mar 9, 2013.

  1. Marko

    Marko Guest

    There’s a high price a gay man pays for not being a gay man.
     
  2. skiff

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    Agreed. Never fully understood the cost until recently.
     
  3. PianoNate

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    such a steep price
     
  4. Zach

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    You can say that again. I was married , not once, but twice (two different women) before I came out to myself, and eventually to everyone else in my personal life.
     
  5. Italy or Bust

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    3 times married here, currently struggling in the 3rd (and final).

    I think about the people I have hurt or am hurting now, and I certainly include myself in that list. Times were different back in the day, but I think of the courage exhibited by those who dared come out when it was less acceptable than it is now. What a debt of gratitude we owe the pioneers who have made it easier for every generation.
     
  6. Marko

    Marko Guest

    I knew I was gay when I was 17. I met a guy, and we agreed to meet the next day to be with one another. I never showed up for some reason. It would be another 30 years before I was first with a man. In between I had fallen in love with three women gotten married had two children and developed chronic depression.
     
  7. Zach

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    Wow, married three times :eek:

    I can so relate to being married multiple times, I only had one child from my first marriage. I had a son from that one, (and as it turns out ... he's also gay .. the story of that will soon follow in a new thread from me ...I don't want to hi-jack this thread)

    If only EC had existed back in 1994 ....... I might have come out back then, and never married for the second time. (no children from my second hetero marriage) (&&&)
     
  8. Italy or Bust

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    No children for me. I do have a beautiful 3 year old granddaughter that I fear losing touch with when I come out to the world.
     
    #8 Italy or Bust, Mar 9, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2013
  9. greatwhale

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    Too high a price to pay indeed. Just got back from looking at a cheap apartment for when I leave after the divorce; now that is depressing...
     
  10. skiff

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    I suspect the same with my sons. If we carry genes that simply need to be amplified it makes sense we would see it more commonly in ur children.

    Here is a crazy idea...

    What if altered sexual preference is the tip of the iceberg of the autism spectrum.
    Brought forward by fetal vitamin D deficiency?

    Autism prevalence in the United States with respect to solar UV-B doses: An ecological study
    http://www.landesbioscience.com/journals/29/article/22942/

    An old survival adaptation stored in DNA for low solar conditions?

    We got the genes all our children would need is the fetal signal to amplify the genes. The signal being fetal vitamin D deficiency.

    Stuck
     
    #10 skiff, Mar 9, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2013
  11. unknownerror

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    this sounds a lot like me. While I never went as far as marriage, lousy relationships, depression etc.

    Glad I'm finding my way out :slight_smile: Glad we all are :slight_smile:
     
  12. Jeff

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    There is also a high price paid for being gay. No one really gets off easy.

    I did not get married, and only dated girls until I knew it would never make me feel complete and whole. It felt like I was doing it just for others and not myself.

    So I do admire, or maybe vaguely envy gay men who went ahead and had kids, before coming around and exiting their straight life for one that feels real. Because I do love kids.

    It does feel like it is getting much easier to be gay and not even think about it. At least in the large cities. I no longer feel "different" than straight guys I know. They have many of the same issues as I do. It was only a few straight people (in the past) who wanted me to feel different, and told me I was different, and also told me that certain people, places, or things were not for me because I was different (gay). I was rebelious enough to not listen to that kind of talk. And have always considered that old saying "Living Well is the Best revenge" and tried to live well. I stayed HIV- when many people I knew did not. I had only bits of light play (hand and oral), when everyone else was out partying hard, and fucking their brains out. Oh, I recall, I did top a couple of younger guys a few years back, but it was for their pleasure not mine. I tried actually to give some guys something they might remember for a long time, simply for the fun of giving. In other words, I fucked some young men safely and did not even come myself some of the time. I think I was practicing so I would know what the hell I was doing if I ever found the right mate.

    It has been a rough ride for everyone has it not.

    ---------- Post added 10th Mar 2013 at 10:05 PM ----------

    You suspect both might be gay? It would be easier for you to come out to them if one of them at least is. Or have you already explained to them about all the different kinds of people/relationships in the world?
     
  13. skiff

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    Hi,

    I have zero issues telling my sons I am gay. My roadblock is my cowardice with my wife. I don't want to hurt her.

    I suspect something is off for both sons. They are 18 and 20 and never had a date. The younger has far too many sleep overs. I can see my teen behaviour mirrored in them and I was gay. Lots of little odd things.

    You are a thoughtful guy Jeff I hope you find what you want.

    I am a bit envious of your liaisons.

    Stuck

    ---------- Post added 11th Mar 2013 at 01:50 AM ----------

    Where were all you thoughtful guys before I jumped into this mess?

    23 years ago I thought I was a freak. I was a gay man seeking a long term relationship and there was nobody I could find interested.

    Now I am up to my neck in crap and suddenly I find so many loving, tender, good hearted gay men who's only desire is a long term relationship.

    So strange.

    I am glad you guys are out there for it gives me hope for the future.

    Stuck
     
    #13 skiff, Mar 11, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2013
  14. bingostring

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    This post makes me feel sad .. For myself. And happy for those of you who are making changes and carving out a new path in life.

    I think of the ( self imposed yet uncontrollable) limits I have placed on my life. The missed opportunities. The self denial of the right to be happy. The grieving for the relationships not had ...

    Holy cr*p..
     
  15. PeteNJ

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    the price for me -- it almost killed me

    There is a weight lifted after every person I've told I'm gay. Amazing.
     
  16. Kay

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    The same could be said for anyone LGBTQ who is not them self. The cost is far to great to wait another day. Only that person can break down the closet doors. It is time to get out the hammers. Hugs and love
     
  17. Marko

    Marko Guest

    On the high price gay men and everyone else pays for being gay I think the hardest part is growing up gay, and finding your way in the world being gay. Career etc. I never had to do that really. I came out as an adult established in a career, and I'm not all the way out. I'm out to my family and some other people I know, but I'm not out where I live. Some would look at my situation and say the closet is still half full, I look at it and say at least it's half emtpy.
     
  18. Jim1454

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    A wonderful mix of metaphors! Thanks for that!

    Yes - I wasn't aware that I was gay - instead my subconscious masked it all with addiction and depression - which nearly killed me too.

    But... I'm in recovery, I'm over the worst of my depression, and I'm living the life that I was meant to live with the man that I was meant to be with. It makes ALL of the hardships and sorrow that I have experienced in the past worthwhile. And I firmly believe that everyone can get to the same place if they work on themselves.

    You're worth it.
     
  19. Italy or Bust

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    Jim, I have read several of your responses to different questions, and I must say your outlook is wonderful and encouraging. Even in a message board filled with wisdom and support, your messages really resonate with me as I read these accounts of others in similar places to that which I find myself in.
     
  20. Marko

    Marko Guest

    Wow Jeff Thanks for your observations. Now I'm the one who is envious. Of the younger guys.