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on desire and desiring (the sexual part of being homosexual)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by rachael1954, Apr 23, 2016.

  1. rachael1954

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    Something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while. The way I see it, there are two parts to being turned on:

    #1. Being desired Hugs that turn naughty. A person touching you in a way that you find safe and agreeable, them using a tender kiss or a double D battery operated tool or whatever, and the result is eventually you get hot and bothered and perhaps even climax. You want this touch, this sexual domination applied to your person and psyche.

    #2. Desiring You touching a person... and their body and their reactions turn you on. You want to touch them, caress them, fondle them. The way they look makes you want to jump them in broad daylight, pinning them to the nearest wall with your hands and body while onlookers flee, horrified. You want to sexually dominate them in whatever way that is uniquely yours. You want to posses them, body and soul. Your body "feels things" when you touch them. A kiss can feel as good as sex.

    ________________

    Before coming out, I think many of us can relate to #1 if you have a loving and caring partner. If the partner is extremely giving, many of us can even relate to some or all of #2, especially in the beginning stages of intimacy, or when we have a deep emotional bond, especially long term, with a partner.

    But this bond, though it can translate to physical affection, is not the same as pure physical affection. It is more of a 'brotherly' love for someone that you love and also sleep with because it pleases them and you and promotes bonding.

    But once you have felt the pure physical desire of #2, it is almost impossible to put "the unfolded road map back in the glove compartment" The jig is up. You can try, or deny, or cry, but there is no going back, ever. Suddenly everything is changed, you're signing up for screen names on EC, and you don't know who you are.

    When I felt #2 for the first time it shocked me. I had no idea I was capable of such depth of feeling and emotion, and I thought it was temporary, and I could put the feelings away. But I wasn't aware at the time that it was impossible. Because you know in your heart and mind, and what you've experienced cannot be un-experienced.

    When I felt #2, I also felt deep sadness and nearly pity for my hetero partner, who had been feeling #2 with me all this time but in all the time I only felt mostly #1. I felt disappointed that I was feeling this for the first time, and lacking that I had never felt this with him, even though he felt it with me. That I think is the tragic part of coming out of the closet later in life. That your partner felt "everything" with you, but you didn't feel it with them.

    There is a childlike joy to finding #2 for the first time, and also an equal and opposite pull of compassion you feel for your hetero partner, because you realize all this time they truly desired you. Because you know now what those feelings are.

    If anyone feels differently or similarly, please share!
     
  2. FoxSong

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    Yeah, this is a very interesting way of looking at it. Certainly when I met the girl who made me feel no. 2 (lol, that just sounds wrong!) for the first time, it was quite a shock to the system.But it also made it much easier to internalise that I was gay and not bi. The way I desired her was in a whole other ballpark to what I'd felt for guys.

    I definitely think, upon reflection, that the majority of the intimate moments I had with my male partners were instigated by a no. 1 type scenario, with them touching, snuggling, kissing me and then you know.. hormones.
     
  3. CapColors

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    To me this really captures the duality of a sex drive. I actually don't think one is more important than the other, but both are important to ME.

    I feel both for both genders as far as I can tell, but I THINK I feel #1 for men more, and #2 for women more. I'm not sure if I'd feel #1 for women as well; I'd have to see.

    I do feel #2 for men as well, but it's possibly lower (?). I'm not sure because my feelings in that arena are confounded with my husbands issues regarding sex.

    He is pretty uncomfortable with enjoying either #1 or #2 even though he's an excellent lover. He's either just really inhibited, doesn't desire me that much, or doesn't believe I desire him that much. Or he just has a really low sex drive for a healthy man (i.e. it's not an erection issue). It's hard to tell. These things can't really be separated.
     
    #3 CapColors, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  4. Crunchy

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    I have never come across a post on this site that has struck me like this one - could have written it myself. Thanks for sharing.
     
  5. Orchidea123

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    #2 has been on my mind - it's the other side of the coin that I never thought is necessary.
     
  6. afgirl

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    It's probably the difference between being bi and gay, but I've experienced both with a man and a woman.
     
  7. appleseed

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    Thank you for your words,, Rachel1954. You expressed what I've bern triyng to explain to myself in a long time. I am actually moved. There's no going back from desiring.
     
  8. yuanzi

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    This is true for me too...

    When I was at the peak of my last crush on a guy, I was so into him that if he accepted me, I would say yes on the spot (to the relationship not the marriage lol) and be the happiest and the most content person ever (insert dramatic music) BUT even then I knew I was NOT physically attracted to him. I would be okay with kissing but the idea of having sex with him was quite appalling. Btw he was very conventionally attractive, like very tall and slim with nice facial features, you know, all the good stuff. But I had/have no desire to jump him in broad daylight at all.

    As for girls, I have experienced both no 1 and no 2 (omg it does sound so wrong haha). For a long time I was thinking maybe the lack of sexual desire towards men was caused by my general inexperience in sex, i.e. I am a female therefore more familiar/comfortable with female bodies. But I have been comparing notes with my straight female friends and they have all had lust for attractive males regardless of their sexual experience level.

    This brings me to another great fear of mine: what if no female ever feels attracted to me both mentally and physically? When I was on many online dating sites (looking for girls), I have never ever got a serious reply from anyone but have received quite a few invitations to 'have fun with me and my bf'. I know there are all kinds of people on dating sites looking for all kinds of stuff but this experience did not boost my self-confidence at all and I have absolutely no idea where to find lesbian/bi girls in real life.

    To conclude my rant, I so very agree with the OP :slight_smile:
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    I think you've hit on an important and common theme here on EC.

    A lot of gay people with opposite-sex partners were able to enjoy relatively happy and stable relationships because there was a bond of love, trust and intimacy. That openness made it much easier to have a satisfying physical connection, even if it wasn't one's true orientation. In other words, the mind and heart led the body along.

    The other thing you describe is pure physical lust. It comes from the body and zooms past the mind and heart before they can do anything about it. The emotional and mental connection that can grow out of that is rooted by a basic chemical connection. Makes me think of couples who have fights and then fantastic makeup sex.

    But it's tragic when you have a wonderful mind-heart love with your partner -- something that many people dream of and never find -- and then this deep inner thing erupts and threatens that. And it's obviously devastating for the partner as well.

    In my own case, I believe I've experienced both feelings for women at different times. Certainly I have a loving bond with my wife, and I've had sexual fantasies about women since I was a kid. With men, I've only had intense fantasies that involve (anonymous) figures. It's pure lust, but there is no object to that lust -- just a physical need that clamors to be satisfied. It feels stupid and primitive and disconnected from the rest of my personality.

    Thinking about it now, I realize that keeping the fantasies anonymous and abstract is my mind's way of maintaining control. If I could experience a romantic connection with a guy, there would be no ambiguity about my sexual orientation and I would take the necessary steps to accept myself as gay.

    ---------- Post added 24th Apr 2016 at 12:21 AM ----------

    I think you've hit on an important and common theme here on EC.

    A lot of gay people with opposite-sex partners were able to enjoy relatively happy and stable relationships because there was a bond of love, trust and intimacy. That openness made it much easier to have a satisfying physical connection, even if it wasn't one's true orientation. In other words, the mind and heart led the body along.

    The other thing you describe is pure physical lust. It comes from the body and zooms past the mind and heart before they can do anything about it. The emotional and mental connection that can grow out of that is rooted by a basic chemical connection. Makes me think of couples who have fights and then fantastic makeup sex.

    But it's tragic when you have a wonderful mind-heart love with your partner -- something that many people dream of and never find -- and then this deep inner thing erupts and threatens that. And it's obviously devastating for the partner as well.

    In my own case, I believe I've experienced both feelings for women at different times. Certainly I have a loving bond with my wife, and I had sexual fantasies about women for decades. With men, I've only had intense fantasies that involve (anonymous) figures. It's pure lust, but there is no object to that lust -- just a physical need that clamors to be satisfied. It feels stupid and primitive and disconnected from the rest of my personality.

    Thinking about it now, I realize that keeping the fantasies anonymous and abstract is my mind's way of maintaining control. If I could experience a romantic connection with a guy, there would be no ambiguity about my sexual orientation and I would take the necessary steps to accept myself as gay.
     
  10. Lindsey23

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    How interesting... I've definitely felt #1 but not so much #2... I've never been with a woman so I can't say for sure but... I'm guessing it would feel different... I've never thought about it like this before but there are times I think I'm really bi and maybe that's because I feel #1 and because I do feel emotional connections to men. But sexually... I'm attracted to women and rarely notice men. Hmm...
     
    #10 Lindsey23, Apr 23, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2016
  11. YeahpIdk

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    So much yes. This almost completely describes those WTF feelings that come with experiencing true desire later in life. I always had #1 in Hetero relationships. I'm sure I still could, they're easy in a way. But there's only one person that pops immediately into my mind when I read #2, and it's not a he...