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Older men vs. younger men!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by The Falcon, Feb 10, 2020.

  1. The Falcon

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    Am I weird for wanting older men?

    Since the age of 14 I have been attracted to older men - the daddy type. Experienced, protective and assertive (late thirties, early forties). I started exploring this fantasy since the age of 20. I am 25 now. Mostly hook-ups and one night stands. The sex has been good and fulfilling. I never pursued a relationship because they are older and I know it won't really lead to anything... As we are both at different stages of life and want different things emotionally.

    For two months now, a very good-looking Italian man of 23, has been into me. The sex is terrible, and he is very inexperienced and immature. He cannot handle me emotionally. I feel stupid for saying that.

    I told him this. Now, he is hurt, and I am afraid our relationship is going to end. I feel guilty that I am unable to respond to someone who is my age, is beautiful, soft, sweet, gentle and caring, but lack the emotional maturity of an older man.

    Am I broken for wanting older men? Do I have daddy issues or something for not being able to maintain a relationship with someone my age (or close to my age)?
     
  2. Chip

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    Likely there's some underlying experience driving the desire for older men. It is very possible that, at an unconscious level, you go for the hookups because you realize they are unlikely to be long term, healthy relationships, and in a way, that provides safety to an unconscious that may be afraid of commitment and deep connection.

    It certainly isn't accurate to say that all younger people are going to be immature and terrible at sex. So this one person may simply not be a fit for you. And in that way, it might be the right thing to let this relationship go if it isn't working for you.

    However... letting this relationship go is not the same as saying "I'm only attracted to older guys." You could, if you chose to do so, mindfully approach dating and choose to only see guys around your age. That might be an interesting experiment to see where it takes you. It might also be useful to explore what feelings come up when you are with someone your own age who is a little better matched... do you feel trapped? Anxious? Afraid of commitment? Those could be factors influencing how you feel about being with someone your own age where a real relationship is a possibility.
     
  3. Harp Grey

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    Even if you prefer older men, I don't think it's as much about age as about the qualities you associate with older men (even if those qualities you like, emotional maturity, may be more common among older men). Try to focus on personality, qualities instead of age. With that said, don't blame yourself for liking older men, it's nothing wrong with that. My boyfriend is 25 years older than me (I'm 34). Of course we had to talk about the age difference and what it means to our relationship, but it has been absolutely no problem at all. Everything people say about age differences can occur in same age relationships as well if you think about it. My boyfriend is my equal at all stages. And people around us - friends, family, colleagues etc, are all very supportive (I was worried people would disapprove).
     
  4. Chip

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    Just for the record... Harp Grey's experience, as he describes it, is in the perhaps 1/10th of 1% of actually healthy age-gap relationships. Of the ones that do work over the longer term, it's nearly all where the younger person is at least 27-30 years old.

    Emotional maturity may be more common among older men... but the flip side is, an older man who wants to be with someone almost half his age is probably not at normal emotional maturity. And the issues of differences in stage of life, power dynamics, and other factors are far, far more common in relationships with large age gaps than with age-concordant relationships. And of course, rather than one issue (power, stage of life, emotional difference) that might occur with an age-concordant partner, you're a lot more likely to have a bunch of issues with an age-disparate relationship. (And it is simply not possible for people with a 28 year age gap to be equal at all stages.)

    Again, these relationships can work for some people, but those are the exceptions rather than the rule, and so it's not something that's a wise idea on the whole. The chance of failure is high. And if not failure, the chance of a really dysfunctional relationship, with problematic control/codependency dynamics, ones that disproportionately tends to impact the younger person, is astronomically high.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Hey @The Falcon

    Chip is right about the large age differences. I am in a FWB relationship with a man who is 28 years my junior. I know that the relationship can never be a forever thing. It would be so unfair of me to ask that of him. What works when I am 60 won't work when I am 80 and that is not that far into the future.

    You mentioned that the "sex is terrible" and blamed it on this guy's age. You know you can change that. I would say my friend was not that great at sex and I was not that great at gay sex when we got together. Now, that is far from the case. We communicate about our needs and desires. We've learned not to take a moment for granted when we are together. And, we talk about everything all the time. This communication level helps build intimacy. I think it may be true that older men might take more time and the pace may not be so rushed. But, there is no reason that two guys in their twenties cannot do the same thing if they make that a goal.

    Remember too that, as Chip wrote, men mature a great deal in their twenties. You may find that guys your age may be immature one day and surprise you the next.