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Okay. Saturday, I want to tell my mother. But I need help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ScentedRegrets, Jul 24, 2008.

  1. ScentedRegrets

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    Hi all,

    Sorry, but I have the feeling this may be another windy post of mine. Here is the situation. I am going upstate to help my aunt and uncle move into a new house tomorrow after work. It is about an hour and a half drive. My parents will already be up there, and I am going to go up after work. Then, I have to come home Saturday afternoon, but my father is going to stay up there until Monday. My mother just asked me if she could come home with me, and I said of course.

    That gives us an hour and a half alone to talk. I want to tell her that I am gay. I want to do this so bad. But I just need to gather up some more positive esteem to do it. I think I am going to get nervous and chicken out at the last moment. Then I will kick myself for two months for not doing it when I had the chance in the absence of my father.

    I know my mother will accept me for who I am. She is such a loving person, and has said many times that she will do anything for me. I do not want to lie to her any more. But I do not want to go through the rest of the weekend feeling like I broke her heart. I just want to tell her the truth. And then I want her to see me as the same person that she saw me as today.

    In time, I will tell my father. He will be okay, but he will need a major adjustment, and things will be very awkward for a while (not that they aren't from time to time already). And quite frankly, if he isn't okay with it, than that is his problem. He was always there, but never there for me (if that makes any sense), growing up, so he can be there but not really be there for the rest of my life... it will not impact me.

    I just need to gather the courage to tell my mother. Once she knows, everything will be much easier - and then we can move on. Any advice, words of wisdom, etc. is highly welcome! Thanks, as always!
     
  2. Asher4heart

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    hmmm advice. never tell ur friends ur transqueer? oh wait thats me -__- lol ne wayz uhm. just take it slow. if you already know that she will accept you then ur over the hard part...just say it. dont wreck!! lol but yeah just remember the world is coming off of ur shoulders... i got two quotes for you the first one i just found funny nd i forgot who said it v.v
    'life is hard. after all it kills you'

    'Dream like you'll live forever. Live like you'll die today'
    ---James Dean

    Best of luck!
     
  3. Antrioss

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    I'm too scared to tell my parents either, or my brother. I know they'll be supportive but I'm too intimidated by striking up that conversation. Truthfully, there is no "right" or "wrong" way of coming out. Sounds like you have nothing much to lose if everything goes bad. I wish you luck. I need some confidence myself >_<
     
  4. ScentedRegrets

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    Thanks for the nice words. I am just really worried - worried that I am going to squander this perfect time to have some alone time with my mother where I can talk openly and honestly. I just feel like I have to choose between two evils - continue lying to her, or tell her and watch her go through some very painful times. The only difference I see is that my life will be happier if I tell her. But I just cannot gather the courage to do that. And yet, I do not know when such an ideal time to tell her will arise again. Ahhhh!
     
  5. Mind Freak

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    I HAVE THE SAME ISSUE!
    I don't want her to start treating me different or look at me different and I don't think she will but I just don't want her to be disappointed.
     
  6. ScentedRegrets

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    So what do I do??? Can we take a tally? Can we list the pros and cons? I need to try to sleep on it. I am going to check this tomorrow before I leave for upstate (4pm or so). Then I won't have internet access, as I will be up in the boondocks. I will post Saturday night and tell you how it went. Ahhhhh I want to pull my hair out!
     
  7. Hydrogen

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    That does sound like a perfect opportunity to let the cat out of the bag (or so to speak).

    No matter when you do it, until you actually say the words "Mom, I'm gay" it will feel next to impossible. I can't tell you how many times I chickened out. However, now I have an even stronger relationship with my mother then I could have possibly imagined.
    It is nice to be able to feel free, and be able to discuss things that really matter with family.

    So good luck, and if you need to write it down as a note and hand it to her to make it easier, do it. Once you are over that hurdle, everything will be easier.
     
  8. Leigh

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    sounds like you dont need that much advice - you know what you want to do and youve got a chance to do it...

    so for the support!! dont worry about it! of course its a huge thing in your life, but take lots of deep breaths and think about the light at the end of the tunnel..
    if you tell her then thats great, but if you dont tell her then thats ok too!!!
    i really hope it works ok for you, il be thinking about you on saturday!!! good luck!!
     
  9. Chris

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    I think you should do something like a note! Good Luck!
     
  10. interstella

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    When I came out to my mum, she didn't treat me differently, except for the fact that she no longer talked about girlfriends, she used the word "partner". But that's it.

    Go for it!
     
  11. Asher4heart

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    well here is my 2 cents. I told my mom because i needed to get it off my chest. I didn't want to have to hide it from her. It shocked her a little bit. But she was ok with it. To this day I can still be open with her and talk about it. She also jokes around with me about different things. It'll be better in the end if she knows. It'll be easier on both of you. If you can't say it try writing it down in a note. If you want to do it saturday then have the note ready and just hand it to her. Make it short and sweet. She is your mom she will love you forever. its unconditional love. And i don't think our parents get as dissapointed as you think. They get dissapointed when you don't chase your dreams and when you are not true to yourself. By not telling her you aren't being true to yourself. I think she would be happier knowing. but thats just me. best of luck.
     
  12. ScentedRegrets

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    Thanks everyone for your responses. Everyone has been really good to me here this past month, and I really appreciate it. I wanted to give you an update, and I promise I will try to keep this short.

    I chickened out on the ride back home with my mother. I was trying so hard to drop subtle hints... "are James' (he's a good friend of my mothers, 62 years old, single no kids all his life) parents disappointed in him that he never had kids?" But I could not muster up the courage to tell her, and I am extremely disappointed in myself. Today it is just her and I at home all day, though I am having my two best friends over this evening to watch a movie. Thing is, their mother is very friendly with my mother, and they get together a few times for lunch each week. Maybe I could see if their mother wants to come over tonight, too. Then, about an hour before they're ready to show up, I could tell her. It could really diffuse the situation well. What do you think?

    I just don't know how to do this, and I don't know the right situation to do this in. I need to do this very soon - I definitely feel ready to do this, I just need to get the courage to do it.
     
  13. Sam

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    Coming out to a parent is hard. I worried about rejection and if she would treat me differently. I took the easy way out and wrote a letter because I couldn't face her and actually speak the words.

    I don't think my mom has treated me any differently in fact I think my coming out strengthened our relationship.

    I don't know if it would be a good idea or not to tell your mom an hour before they show up. She might want time to think and not want visitors.

    I say go for it but maybe test her first, say mom I need to tell you something that is really important but should we wait until after they leave? and if she says no then just go for it (YOU CAN DO IT!) if she thinks it's something she doesn't want to hear before visitors then she'll say that she would rather wait (then after they leave, tell her).

    Either way if you are ready to tell her then you will do it.

    Good luck.

    Sam
     
  14. Nicvcer

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    Turn off the radio, that'll give you an opening
     
  15. biisme

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    I'm sorry that you couldn't manage to do it. It is a very difficult thing to do.

    First off, did your new plan for tonight work out?
     
  16. ScentedRegrets

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    No. I failed again. I am going to be 24 in two months, and I cannot even gather the courage to say one friggin sentence to my own mother. And now I don't know when I will get the next chance to tell her in the absence of my father. I am just very disappointed in myself. I believe that the time will come very soon... but I really spoiled a great opportuniy here.
     
  17. beckyg

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    Coming out is very hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll do it eventually.
     
  18. Mirko

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    Hi there! I'm sorry that you couldn't come out. But don't worry about it. You know, it really doesn't matter how old you are when you come out. If it is any help, look at me, I'm 31 and I haven't been able to tell my parents yet. You are already way ahead of me!! :slight_smile:

    As others have mentioned, don't be too hard on yourself. Coming out to parents is hard. There is no reason to be disappointed in yourself. You have tried and that is what counts. In someways even just thinking about it and trying will help you to get ready to come out to your mom and dad. Other opportunities will come along. No worries.

    Not being able to tell, might be an indication that there is a part of you that might not be ready yet but (and as you have indicated) you are almost there. Don't worry too much about it. Take your time. The next opportunity will arise.

    Hope this helps!
     
  19. ScentedRegrets

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    Thanks again, all. My parents are actually going to be going away just the two of them this coming weekend. I think I am going to use a little alone time to think it all through and make coming out to them by the end of the summer my goal. You all have given me the courage to really put the pedal to the metal so far... I will definitely keep you all updated.

    On a side note, I am going to try to spend more time each day interacting with you all - everyone here just seems so great. Really a great bunch of folks here, and I just wanted to say that that is awesome... and thanks again.