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OCD, want to be lesbian (or at least hope I really am)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Sunshine3000, Oct 23, 2014.

  1. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    This is my first post on this lovely site... so here it goes. (I'm sorry it's long, thanks for anyone who reads through it and helps out, it means so much!)

    This has been going on for a while, about a year. I'm about 18 years old right now and I'm a female. Just as some background information, I'd like to say I've never really 'dated.' I've never had sex either. I had a 'boyfriend' for a week (lol) in middle school and went on one unofficial date in high school with a guy. I've only ever kissed people I didn't know and or was drunk, which has both been guys and girls, but mostly guys. *Note: I also have OCD which comes in the form of intrusive thought 'spikes' and 'perfection.' For example, last year I had an intrusive thought that everybody around me was a robot and it was in my head for a couple months before it went away.

    So, for the past year I've been obsession over my sexual orientation and trying to figure out what I am. It's gotten out of control is and is causing me not to sleep, and has really put a damper on my mood.

    I thought since I've never played a major interest in dating, something was wrong with me (I know there's not now.) So, about a year ago I went on forums and figured out what asexuality is. I started freaking out, thinking I was asexual because I had never really been overly sexually attracted to someone. I'm quite the philosophical person and will spend hours in my head mapping out the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire and what I am really feeling... just to try to prove to myself that I'm not asexual. Similar to what I mentioned above with the 'robots,' I would spend hours in my head trying to prove to myself that the world around me was not robots, making maps, charts, and lists in my head. So, when I prove to myself somehow that I'm not asexual I feel a brick being torn off my shoulder, then the intrusive thoughts come back. To be honest, this is the longest intrusive thought spike I've ever had in my life... about 1 year and it's driving me nuts.

    Then, it gets worse, I found the term aromantic (where you don't feel romantic attraction) and have had to convince myself that I'm not aromantic. And everything I get the subtle feeling I am indeed aromantic and or asexual I feel so sad and cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with being aromantic/asexual at all, I just want to experience romantic/sexual attraction... and I think I do... but those darn voices in my head always have to show me reasons why I don't feel romantic and or sexual attraction. Needless to say, every time I come across a new term I always question if I am that term... and if I don't want to be that term I go back in forth in my head convincing myself I'm not.

    I've thought I was every sexual orientation in the book and still haven't figured it out. Pansexual, bisexual, aromantic, asexual, lesbian, straight, homoflexible, hypersexual... the list goes on and on...

    So to clear things up (I'm sorry my words are all jumbled, I just have a lot to get off my chest,) I don't know if I've experienced sexual and or romantic attraction because I've just confused myself with these philosophical thinking patterns of... "what's the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, how do I know for sure?"

    As I said, I've been on one date with a guy in highschool and it went fine. I enjoyed it actually. I really liked this guy. But was I feeling romantic attraction towards him? I seriously don't know. I, of course wanted to be his friend, otherwise I wouldn't have gone on a date with him lol.

    Another part of me strongly thinks I'm a lesbian right now. I think I fell in love with a girl (who was my best friend) but once again I just can't stop questioning, "how do I know if it was "friendship love" or "romantic love." I want it to be romantic love.

    I know this sounds weird, and I know sexual orientation isn't a choice, but I want to be a lesbian. And whenever I convince myself that I am truly a lesbian for a few seconds a brick gets lifted off my shoulders and I feel so free... but then I start questioning myself again. It's like this cycle that goes on and on of over thinking... over analyzing.

    I'm talking to this guy right now that I think I like... but the thought of marrying a girl or being in some sort of relationship with her has always felt so free to me. I rarely like guys. This is the second guy I have ever 'liked' per say, and he's amazing... we are only friends right now but I'm starting to feel bad for leading him on I guess in a flirtatious way because recently I noticed he is amazing but there is something about that female energy that makes me feel whole... like I don't know how to explain it. But you know how lesbians say they knew they were lesbian because when they dated guys they felt like something was missing... I kind of feel that way. I don't know what that something is but it's something... I think this guy has given me butterflies, and he's definitely on my mind a lot like people describe a 'crush.' But, there's just something about even thinking about females... it's a complete feeling. So confusing.

    I've never dated a girl. I've kissed a girl for maybe 5 seconds and it was bad and I was drunk. When I've kissed guys I just wanted it to end, but I didn't know these guys at all. It was random, at concerts and what not. I just did it to please the guy, not me.

    A couple days ago, a girl was taking a picture of me (and I know this is weird) but she was much older then me and married, but she was tilting my head and looking into my eyes to position me for the picture... and I don't know if this is me being a repressed lesbian or something because I would NOT date a women 15 years older then me, but I felt this electricity... as if this was a female my age about to kiss me.

    So, thank you for sitting through my thoughts I needed to get typed out. My main question to myself now is, am I a repressed lesbian, or just an aromantic/asexual? Am I a bisexual who prefers women?
    Because, once again, the guy I'm talking to I like a lot and I wish I could give him what he may want, I've even contemplated a relationship both romantic and sexual... but whenever I fantasize about marrying a female I just feel like that tiny puzzle piece has been put back into place. I've always connected with women emotionally more than men in general. My most vivid dreams have been me actually going down on women.

    My mom has been asking me if I'm lesbian too lately. Maybe I am a repressed lesbian because coming out is scary as s***, and everyone I know thinks I'm straight. I don't know if I should just tell her I am and just go from there, but my fear is I will turn out to be aromantic/asexual. Dang, I wish I never found those terms in the first place so I didn't have to question myself.

    Does anybody else think this is OCD? What's your advice? What would you do if you were me relating to the guy I've been talking to and or anything else I've mentioned? I know I'm the only one who can know my sexual orientation, but you've literally just read my thought, what would you think I am as a guess? I'm open to anything anyone has to say, so be honest. :grin: Thanks!!!! <3
     
  2. Rosalynn

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    And thus, you wrote down my life.
     
  3. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    I'm sorry you're going through the same thing!! Hopefully we'll both figure this out. :icon_bigg
     
  4. I can kind of relate to your situation. It's been over a year and I'm still not completely sure of my sexual orientation, but I'm pretty sure I'm pan-romantic. However, like you, I have been constantly requestioning my sexuality over and over and over just because I want to be one thing (either straight or at least being a monosexual, like not bi or ban, just either straight or gay) because of my parents thoughts about homosexuality and pansexuality because of religion (which they think it's wrong). Also, sometimes, because I do want to date girls for sure, I feel like none will ever date me, especially lesbians, because I identify as pan - So, and I never admitted this, but I also have been repressing my attractions towards men. Basically, I have a problem with both my same sex attractions AND opposite sex attractions. I have been trying to suppress them both. I really don't like being attracted to anyone if I have a connection with them. I just want to be either ALL THE WAY STRAIGHT or ALL THE WAY gay - It's been killing me so much that I really wish I was aromantic, that I never do feel romantic attraction to a person. However, today, I've decided that I do owe it to myself to be happy and regardless of what I've been going through for the past year, I need to not think about orientation anymore, I need to not care if anyone, whether straight OR LGBTQ, think I'm using the right label or not, that I'm just going to stick with identifying as pan, or better yet, even being label free - And I'm not going to think about what parents or religion thinks about my same sex attractions and I'm not going to think about what others think my opposite sex attractions make me. I'm going to be me and not care what anyone else thinks because they don't know all the anxiety this all has been causing me and I deserve to be able to let this all go and live my life. I suggest that you do the same. I know it's hard, but trust me, when you get tired enough... I say let it go and let yourself live. The only person your sexual orientation should matter to is you. And when you find yourself having attractions, don't think about what gender the person is - Just live in the moment and let yourself be attracted to them. Don't try to force attractions nor suppress them. Even if the attraction is outside of what you thought you were normally attracted to, just let it be. As for wanting to be a lesbian, I think that isn't healthy either. Because I have been wanting to be straight or gay and it just is too much for me to bare. I can't think of myself as gay or straight anymore because that's not who I am. I just have to be who I am. Also, from now on, don't rush your labeling. Because you can't just say "Oh, well this attraction to these particular guys make me straight" or "this attraction to these particular girls makes me gay or bi" - That just makes it worse because once you think you are something, if it turns out that your attractions don't line up with you thought you were, you try to suppress those attractions that you don't want but trust me, that isn't going to make you feel better. It just turns my attractions into anxiety. Sure, you can still be open minded towards girls and watch lesbians shows or read lesbian novels and experiment and what not - That's perfectly fine. However, don't force yourself to be anything. Just let yourself live and be who you are. It'll take a while to get used to just being who you are, but it'll be worth it. Because life is short and I really don't have the time to keep wasting days of my life on something as simple and even unimportant as a label. Be who you are and whether that makes you lesbian, straight, bi, pan - I'll be proud that you started being and accepting yourself either way. Good luck and let me know if you need more help! :slight_smile:
     
  5. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    Bisexualkpopfan: Thank you for the sweet reply! I really appreciate the time you took out to write everything!! Overall, I'm having a really hard time defining romantic attraction from platonic/friendly attraction. Such as what defines going out with a friend for dinner vs. going out on a date... and so on. Any opinions?
     
  6. ChromeNerd

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    I've had the same exact obsessions as you. I want to be gay, but I obsess about being bi or asexual. When I obsess about being asexual I think to myself,"Who cares if you're feeling sexual, aesthetic, romantic or platonic attraction? You can date and have sex as much as you want to."
     
  7. Sunshine3000

    Sunshine3000 Guest

    I'm sorry you've felt the same way, but it also helps to know I'm not alone or crazy. Did you ever figure it out? As in your orientation/the obsessive thinking... Do you think the asexual community has done more harm than good for me because their definitions get so complex (at least for me.) That may not be the same for everyone else.
     
  8. It's no problem! And well, I think you can tell by if your heart races/getting butterflies in your stomach, which is more of a sign of romantic attraction, whereas enjoying her company, not getting any super "feels" from it, then it's probably more platonic. I wish I had a better example, but just try to see what makes you the happiest and what gives you the chemical rush inside and stuff like that. Let me know if you need more help!
     
  9. Life of Cliches

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    I've felt similarly plenty of times whether I'm gay, straight or bi. I still haven't figured it out… but the one thing that people keep telling me is that I need to experience different people- and by no means do they suggest going out and having sex with random people, but they mean even if I have doubts or cannot tell if I'm attracted to them at first… just give time to it and let a relationship build. take the time to see if or when you have sex with him it feels right. and if it doesn't, try someone else. but i think you may just need some experiences to figure it out!
     
  10. Life of Cliches

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    I've felt similarly plenty of times whether I'm gay, straight or bi. I still haven't figured it out… but the one thing that people keep telling me is that I need to experience different people- and by no means do they suggest going out and having sex with random people, but they mean even if I have doubts or cannot tell if I'm attracted to them at first… just give time to it and let a relationship build. take the time to see if or when you have sex with him it feels right. and if it doesn't, try someone else. but i think you may just need some experiences to figure it out!