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Obstacles towards self-acceptance

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Silveroot, Mar 13, 2018.

  1. Silveroot

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    Hi all.

    So on to the confusing part. I had very strong feelings for a man I met online. We've been talking about years and he knows me very well. Somewhere along the way there was flirting going on and even some highly charged conversation, aka sexting. But then it stopped, because he didn't want us to be in a long distance relationship and he didn't feel it was right. He proposed we should be friends and I reluctantly agreed. In the course of time, I convinced myself we were just friends because he got in a serious relationship and I wanted him to be happy. But deep inside I wasn't happy, I wanted to be with him, I believed he was perfect. I dreamed of kissing him and having a family together. He broke up, so I grasped the chance and told him about my feelings. I decided to end this madness by asking him to reject me. He did and I'm glad, because the expectations are gone.

    We still talk by the way. I sometimes wonder if all my romantic fantasies about him are gone or if they were even real in the first place.

    So the question here is, how do I know these feelings -which were deep no doubt- were truly because of my orientation or a product of heterosexual norms that made it seem we'd be perfect together some day in the distant future? And if they were real and are now not there, what Am I to do with that knowledge?

    Welcome to my head-space. If you can figure your way around, could you please help me? I am sort of lost and amused at the same time.
     
  2. dudette

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    This happened to me, actually similar story. I believe that these fantasies were real; however, emotionally healthy people tend to move on (it hurts in the short-run, but in long-run we accept it, and move on). Also the problem which I have noticed is that this happens to alot of people (a lot of them would say that these feeling were real, and some of them manage to meet in real life and make the fantasies into reality) because online there is a higher possibility to meet someone who has similar hobbies/view of life/etc.
     
    #2 dudette, Mar 13, 2018
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  3. Silveroot

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    I'd like to add that when I met him I was going through a very difficult phase in my life. Relatives died, my father got dangerously ill and later on my parents divorced. He was with me throughout ALL of that. When I say he was with me I mean he was supportive and a good listener and offered solid advice. I did the same for him since he opened up too. And this friendship got close to ending many times but somehow it endured. It's worth noting that when we met I was 19 and nowhere near considering I was anything else but straight.

    I know now I'm definitely not straight, I'm at least bisexual. The other good thing is once I figure out whether I fell truly in love with a man or fell in love with a heterosexual imaginary dream life, I'll know where I stand. If I didn't really fall in love with him, then I'm a lesbian because if that didn't make me fall for a man then nothing can lol

    It's possible my feelings were genuine and not out of a desire to cling, although I recognize the two are not mutually exclusive either.

    Sorry for my ramblings.

    Yes that hope that maybe one day we'd be happy forever was what kept my feelings alive, whatever those were.

    I hope you feel better now. Knowing people online is easier, but having a good match in real life cannot be substituted by any long-distance relationship in my opinion.
     
  4. dudette

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    The truth is that meeting someone when going through a very difficult phase in life really connects people romantically.
    Yes, you can make argument that reality =/= online because online we get to know the person thoughts and feelings, and not social behavior (like in some very rare cases taking number two on the street to be 100% left-wing eco animal-lover hippie, but it could be something different that makes "online -> reality dating" a bad experience for some people like manner of speech,etc.). However, my point is that in all the cases nobody questioned if these feelings were real. Of course, if you didn't know that this person was a guy, but a girl (like the person lied to you, and pretended to be a girl, but actually he is just a guy) then it would be a whole different story all together. But as you explained your mind did comprehend the idea of being with a guy (if in reality his social behavior was in your taste). At least in my case facial photos were shared, so it went from perfect idea of a person (visually) -> average idea of a person (visually), but the feeling did continue to be there even stronger because it was something like "I am not imagining things/I am not living unrealistic fantasies".

    Also there is this thing which its kinda difficult to understand nowadays (because of labels :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: in my opinion), but it was easily understood in the old times "there is no point of questioning your sexuality just go with the flow"
    I mean I read threads and talked to people about it, and I have found out this:
    -some straight people fall in love with same-sex (only this specific person, and never again this happens or very rarely)
    -some gay people fall in love with opposite-sex (only this specific person, and never again this happens or very rarely)
    In these cases people would just say that they are some kind of bisexual (homo-bi, hetero-bi, fluid-bi).

    Also you mentioned something like a product of heterosexual norms that made it seem we'd be perfect together some day in the distant future?
    It can always go the other way around a product of homosexual norms that made it seem I am 100% lesbian/gay
    I have to trash talk a little bit about LG of lgbt (also straight, but there are often trash talked here) :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:, but from my experience homosexuals and heterosexuals tend to say that bisexuality is not biologically possible which in my opinion makes homo-bi (you are in denial of being homo or it is just straight propaganda type of thing ) and hetero-bi (it is just a phase or it is just lgbt propaganda type of thing) closed in the closet. So instead of "going with the flow of the feelings" (yea you might be wrong for example these feelings really really did not translate into reality, but then who cares at the end, you live once), people just say "but I am gay or "but I am straight", and something what could have been very special (also for people who are hetero-bi) was taken away from them because of the "homo-norms" or "hetero-norms".

    But now, a comment outside of sexual orientation, I think it is good thing (in the long run) that you broke up because of the long-distance which would not work out by my understanding (both of you realized that the long-distance could not have become short-distance), since (it is not about sexual orientation or whether about if these feeling were real, but it happens to everyone sometimes straight meeting straight, gay meeting gay, bi meeting gay or straight, etc.) that "online -> reality dating" is a bad experience (because of social behavior which is not shown online), and wasting many years on this might have been very damaging in the long run.
     
    #4 dudette, Mar 14, 2018
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  5. Silveroot

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    @mpw94 I think I should mention that we never had anything 'official'. Yes there was tension, flirting and sexting involved at some point, but nothing suggesting we were more than friends afterwards. It was all in my head all along. That's why I'm second-guessing what it was about.

    Oh there was no mischief going on. We've been exchanging random pics through the years and I know this is for a fact a guy, we've talked on web camera, so there's no doubt about who I was talking to. The weird thing is that when I saw him on camera I felt no attraction but sometimes when I see some photos I think he's good-looking. Which is weird and doesn't help much since these feelings clash and make no sense.

    After I told him of my thoughts of us being together one day, we decided not to talk for a while. I needed that space. Then later on I felt like my illusions were gone and my feelings weren't the same but I questioned my sexuality. I still talk to him and he sounded pretty certain I was gay. I don't know if he felt I was truly gay or preferred to think I was never in love with him lol Whatever, this is my issue. And if I manage to see what was it that I felt I might get a clue to what my orientation is. If I am bisexual, things are tough because many lesbians are biphobic and most men are not my type but one or two might be. Then if I identify as lesbian a man might come to my life and sweep me of my feet and then what? But I know I'd like to date a woman.

    My head is a jungle, but I also have fun with it. It's messy and complex but entertaining with all its joys and worries.

    What was your experience like?
     
  6. dudette

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    Well for me, I had two times this experience with a girl and a boy.
    And for both of them, I had this feeling "I want to get married with that person", and I would fantasize about it, first crash-like fantasies then purely romantically and later romantically and sexually like in normal relationship (with the girl, it just went to romantic because I am not able to have sexual fantasies when I don't know if that person feels the same way, but it it just very personal thing how we start and develop our attraction to a person). But each time when I would look at their photos, I would just see "they look attractive for a guy/girl" (I would not lust over their photos or anything). However, I was able to meet with the girl, and the feelings did transfer, and when I was close to her then I felt the attraction, but the situation got complicated because she just wanted to be "fuck-buddies" and nothing more, so I just wept for a week and moved on. And with the guy, I was not able to meet because at first he said that he feels the same way, and we should meet-up, and see if it is going to work out, but later he told me "I love you, but I don't wanna be gay because I don't know how to explain that to my parents", so I wept for a month and moved on (sometimes I still weep because for me it was tragic :frowning2:, but time heals the wounds :slight_smile: ).

    Actually, this thread reminded me of something funny that I have just realized from my life experience. Some guys will make your heart skip a beat for them, some girls will make your heart skip a beat for them, some guys will make your heart skip a beat for girls and some girls will make your heart skip a beat for guys.

    My point is that we cannot control the attraction and love (if we could then life would be way too easy), we can only observe it and choose to go with it or walk away from it.
    Additionally, there is not so much to worry about since LGBT is well known, so sexual and romantic experimenting is normal nowadays like in the ancient Greece/Rome, I see it even within heterosexual community! (at least in Europe), and hetero-bi/homo-bi can be themselves even if this attraction lasts only for a moment or just to one person. I mean it is better to think you are hetero-bi/homo-bi since very rarely you have attraction to same/opposite sex, and go with the flow than to think you are hetero/homo and question what it could have been. (this also goes for straight and gay people who had a crash (opposite-sex of course for straight and same-sex for gays, like normal life situation), but were too scared to date that person, and now they can just question "what it could have been if I wasn't too scared to ask the person out, at least I would know (yes or no)".
     
    #6 dudette, Mar 14, 2018
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  7. dudette

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    Also ironically I advice you not to question your sexuality too much because it leads nowhere from my experience, and some bis would say the same. the primary tip of every bi "do not question the ratio of guys/girls because it leads to confusion and its tiresome" :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    But treat it more like, I had crash (or something more, I am not sure how much you felt in love with that person) on this person, I wonder if it would work out in real life. (like hetero say when having crash on a opposite-sex, but unable to date her/him because of long-distance or too scared, and like homo say when having crash on a same-sex, but unable to date her/him because of long-distance or too scared).
     
    #7 dudette, Mar 14, 2018
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  8. Silveroot

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    @mpw94 It's funny you say this, because I actually do live in Greece. And it's nothing like ancient Greece on gay acceptance, it's actually quite homophobic. Gay men have it easier, in the sense they're more visible and widely accepted. Lesbians on the other hand seem to not exist. Perhaps it's because I haven't hang around lgbt spaces but literally in everyday life lesbians are invisible. I'm not sure why.

    Your situation is more complex in a sense because you met your crushes. All my serious crushes never developed to anything more beyond my fantasy. I suppose it was difficult for you to accept it didn't work, but in my case I never saw it fail either which is why it is hard to see the truth.
    In the case I mentioned above the main obstacle was that he simply didn't see a future for us. It was a fantasy of a young woman looking for a happy ever after.

    It is worth noting that real life crushes on men always made me push away once sex was initiated.

    Many gays have mentioned the desire to have children and that the script for them pointed towards a hetero marriage only to see it failing at some point.

    Thank you for your advice. I'm trying not to drive myself crazy with questioning, and somehow I feel the answer is literally in front of me but I don't see it! How amusingly frustrating!

    There's also a retarded part of me that wants to bring this up to my friend for further advice but this might make him feel weird.
     
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  9. dudette

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    @Silveroot Sorry, unfortunately I was looking through the bi-eyes on this situation, and things like Many gays have mentioned the desire to have children and that the script for them pointed towards a hetero marriage only to see it failing at some point. I just don't know :frowning2:
     
  10. dudette

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    #10 dudette, Mar 14, 2018
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  11. Silveroot

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    Sure, go ahead!