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not sure where to start ...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by krillanna, Sep 9, 2021.

  1. krillanna

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    i am sorry if this offends someone or breaks rules i just need help
    i was born male, i am male, i am straight <<i think i hate men sex with a female turns me off i find it gross i am a Christian and i know my thoughts go against everything i was taught and believe. I hate my self inn so many ways i hate having to be a man as society says a man is supposed to be i hate looking in a mirror i do not like what i see i rarely leave my house i find my self attracted to some men yet i have no trust in men i have 1 friend that is male and that took years for me to trust him (side note i was violently Raped by a man when i was 14 years old so this is why i say i hate men and do not trust them) and frankly i have little trust in the lgbtq community because of this as well

    yet with all this said from a young age i liked to dress in female clothing and baiting suits i have always been closer to females than males i fit in more with typical female rolls i have always roll played in my head of being a girl i just do not know what or who i am i am so confused and frustrated i do not know if i am this way because of the rape at such a young age or if i have just always been this way or if that even matters

    i am scared even messaging on here because where i live it would go over horrible if anyone saw or knew any of this. i am a single father of a little girl whom i adore but i know my family would try to take her from me if they ever saw this and i do not think a single friend would accept any of this and God know my church would disown me and in a community under 4k people i would have to move and how would my 11 year old take this not sure what to even think of myself i hope this makes since

    as i sit hear typing this i have a family member aka my mother visiting and she is watching youtube wanting to discuss things about trans people and its not hatefull but its not supportive if that makes since she has accepted my cousin who came out as gay but i do not think she would accept me with who i think i may actually be

    that being said i do not know how to figure out if i am indeed i don't know the proper way to say this trapped in a different body or just lost

    and again sorry if i am posting in wrong place or brought up things not allowed or that are taboo or offended anyone i am just tired of being so torn and confused and ultimately tired of wanting to crawl out of my own skin
     
  2. tidalpool127

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    Hello. I am mid-30s and I identify as a gay male. I don't live in a rural community but I do live in the Bible Belt in the Southeastern US. I also cross-dress. I have desires to wear lingerie and female swimwear. I too was sexually assaulted, a bit older than you at 19. However, mine was a hookup gone wrong so I was actively looking for gay sex, my attacker knew I was not out at the time so I would not say anything.

    I don't know anything for sure, I'm not a mental health specialist. All I know is I've been cross-dressing since I was 10 and nobody touched me before then. Even after I was assaulted, I still have to desire to cross-dress even though I was cross-dressed when I was assaulted so I don't believe that was the cause, at least for me.

    I struggle with my desire to express my femininity and cross-dress. I don't think it means I am a woman for certain, at least for me. If you wish to be seen as female by the world, that is perfectly fine and normal. I would also say that just because a man is not stereotypically masculine does not mean he is not a man, if he identifies as male that is all that matters no matter what society says.
     
  3. krillanna

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    thank you for the reply i do not know what i identify as but i am trying to figure this out just not sure where or how to figure it out if that makes since i know everyone sees me as a man but that is because i have made it a point to make sure i express my self as such
     
  4. tidalpool127

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    Unfortunately, I do not have the answers you seek. I am somewhat confused myself about my own desires surrounding women's clothing. It is more beyond wanting to express myself like say a drag queen. None of the drag queens I know talk about incessant thoughts about dressing. I do know a couple drag queens(though not well enough to talk about things like this) that preferred to present as their female personas mainly and they did eventually figure out the were trans women. I think only you can know if you are male or female. I think it goes beyond not wanting to or not being able to live up to masculine stereotypes though. Do you hate being seen as a man? Does your body cause you discomfort? I think that may be a good place to start, though I am no expert.
     
  5. tidalpool127

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    Hey there. I forgot to say earlier, I'm not even really sure if I'm questioning my gender identity for real or if my early childhood just taught me to be ashamed of showing femininity. So maybe I'm not the best resource for your questions. But I did want you to know one thing. You did not deserve what that man did to you. I know after my rape I blamed myself for a long time, especially given what I was wearing. But this wasn't your fault. You are not a bad person because of it and you deserve to be happy and loved.
     
  6. QuietPeace

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    Welcome to EC. I am so sorry for all that has happened to you and that you do not have any support IRL.

    Rape and most especially violent rape is about control and not at all about attraction. Statistically it is nearly certain that the man who raped you was straight so projecting your anger against LGBT+ people is misplaced. You should definitely get into therapy over this. Even if you have to go to a city far away in order to work on it you should, you might be able to do it long distance over computer or something like that.

    Cross dressing and role play as female does not necessarily indicate that you need to transition, your gender identity is something that you should work on after you work on the trauma. Who we are is who we are. Being raped is traumatizing but will not change our orientation or gender identity. It might mess with how we relate to people and how we develop relationships so again I do recommend therapy.

    Make sure that you have a secure password on your account. Never leave your account logged in. Delete your browser history after every time you view the forum.

    Then they are not friends, find some real friends (I have had to travel over an hour to a different city in order to find LGBT+ groups)

    I came out and transitioned for the final time while living in a city with 110 people. I understand the issues.

    Myself, I walked away from religion. If you want to keep believing there are people here who can discuss that with you.

    It really depends on how she was raised and who she is around. Children can be very resilient and accepting when raised properly. Having a child does not mean that you have to live in the closet, though it might take time and work.

    Being gay and being someone who transitions are two different things. Some people can accept any LGBT+ identity while others are selective about what they accept. I have known gay men and lesbians who were particularly hateful towards people who transition. The only way to be sure about how your mother would react to you is to actually come out to her. Given the risks I would recommend holding off right now until you work things out yourself.

    You have started by joining here. Now you need to explore both your orientation and gender identity. It usually becomes easier to figure out once we start really exploring. One way of testing your gender identity is to try out new names and pronouns in the thread here for that purpose.