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Not sure what to do next

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by zumbaqueen, Jul 27, 2017.

  1. zumbaqueen

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    I'm so messed up right now I'm hoping just by getting a few things out I'll be able to sleep. My anxiety is really high today and I've been doing so well lately when it comes back it's like a slap in the face. I know I have attachment issues. I don't get close to women because when I do I fall hard for them. So as I've been dating this woman I know I'm falling into that same cycle again. I do like her, she's fun to be around but I'm getting that all consuming feeling that happens to me. I fear rejection big time, and I know that about me. We really are in the early stages of dating. But I can't get her out of my mind. If she knew how much I thought about her she'd probably run thinking I was some sort of nut case. I have a problem with compulsive thinking and I am in therapy. It's not just with relationships it crosses over into other aspects of my life. And I can't just leave something be. I have very black and white thinking. For whatever reason this thing with her just is driving me nuts, it's like nothing else exists or matters in my life. I live for the next text message, phone call or date. I can't even really discribe it. It's just like I'll be devistated if I don't hear from her and I'm living one moment to the next waiting for that contact. Sometimes I think I should just tell her I can't do this right now, but the thought of not seeing her again sends me back to that dark place in my mind I've fought so hard to overcome. I've got a job and a child and I'm still navigating a separation from my husband -I can't take much more.
     
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  2. Really

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    Aw zumbaqueen. Has she done or said anything to suggest she's not also having a good time? I think we all have a tendency to invent things in our head in the absence of actual information. And having anxiety can only make this worse, I'm guessing. Have you spoken to her about your anxiety? What about her texting style? Has it changed recently? Some people aren't glued to their devices. If her texting frequency is more or less the same as before, try not to let her apparent silence worry you so much. Find something to occupy yourself. Put your phone down and only let yourself check it once before bed and then not again until after breakfast. She's not ignoring you and whatever happens in your relationship will not happen any sooner by all this worrying on your part.
     
  3. zumbaqueen

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    When I read your response it does help. Nothing has changed. In fact, some days the messages are more frequent and personal than before. My mind does have a tendency to invent things when there is silence, and most times I find out later it wasn't at all what I thought.
     
  4. RJay

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    @zumbaqueen , are you sure we aren't the same person? Omg, everything you describe is exactly the same for me. It's like I'm supposed to be processing my divorce, being a good mother, prioritizing my career, but all I can manage to do is sit around obsessing about V. And the text messages!!!! It's like a form of mental OCD. I wish I could help you not to do this, but I'm in the same boat. Maybe just knowing you aren't the only one helps?
     
    #4 RJay, Jul 28, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2017
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  5. zumbaqueen

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    When I read your posts I think the same thing. We are definitely cut from the same cloth. Let's take comfort in knowing we're both experiencing the same thing.
     
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  6. silverhalo

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    I think it's one of those things that actually happens to many many more people than you think, it's just not something we always talk to each other so you don't necessarily know it's happening. I'm not saying everyone is like this but just that you are by no means alone.
     
  7. Rana

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    Hi zumbaqueen,

    I can tell you I feel just like you. I feel like I either don't feel anything or when I do feel something for someone, I fall hard. Is it being a hopeless romantic? Attachment issues? Who knows. All I know is that this kind of "pain" is shared by many. So much great art has been made and inspired by people feeling just what we do. It's hard to deal with, I know. I've even posted about having "anxiety off the charts" from time to time. One thing that helps me sometimes is trying to puff up my own self esteem by reminding myself of all the positive aspects I have. I know it's easier said than done but if you can focus on what a wonderful catch you are, and that anyone would be lucky to have you, this can shift the focus away from obsessing about the other person and towards living your best life (which also has the benefit of making you act in a way that lets others see what a catch you are). At the end of the day, we're all human and we go through these ups and downs just as you do. You're certainly not alone. ❤️
     
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  8. Lucky in Life

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    Hi zumbaqueen - As I mentioned in Rjay's thread a couple of days ago, a friend of mine once told me - about work, but I've done it with relationships as well - that I shouldn't "awfulise" things- that is, imagine the worst possible scenario for a given situation. For one thing, it really does set us up for failure if we're always expecting things to collapse. For another, when we awfulise" we're really beating up on ourselves all the time, often losing sleep while we torment ourselves. It just isn't worth it, though I know it's tough for worriers not to do! Sometimes I write things out and that takes some of the power out of the worrying. You have much to offer the world and, as Rana said, in your pain you're certainly not alone. All the best!
     
    #8 Lucky in Life, Jul 29, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2017
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  9. zumbaqueen

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    I am doing much better. As the conversations continue I'm trying to just take things one day at a time. When I am met with that challenge when there is silence I'm reminding myself that she has given me no reason to think things aren't going well, each time when I do hear from her again it's always positive.
     
  10. RJay

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    We are going to get through this, @zumbaqueen !
     
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